When All Else Fails

Intro  ::   Review

The great majority of parents work extremely hard raising their children to be happy, responsible, productive adults who are a complement to family and society. These parents certainly want the best for their children. Despite how hard we try and despite our good intentions, it is not unusual for a child to rebel against the family value system and behave in ways that bring considerable pain and heartache to parents. Parents of such children frequently ask me, "What did we do wrong?" or "What should we have done differently?" In trying to answer such questions, parents will grasp at almost anything. It's as though knowing what they did wrong will solve the mystery and bring some comfort. They assume, of course, that they did do something dreadfully wrong and are to blame.

It is true, as parents we all make mistakes. Sometimes pretty serious mistakes. But as I work with wayward sons and daughters, they tell me almost to a person that their decisions to behave badly (and virtually all of them acknowledge that they are behaving badly) were their own; their parents are not to blame. Wayward-ness is a category of behavior that is very, very complex, too complex to be addressed here.

Some behaviors will change only in the face of natural, traumatic consequences here. Though it is reasonable that parents would feel bad, and though they probably did make some mistakes, they must not assume that they are necessarily altogether to blame for their children's waywardness. Even if parents are in some degree "to blame," looking back to discover and assess blame is of no value unless something can be learned which parents can use to interact better with their wayward children in the future. In other words, don't look for answers to questions unless those answers will provide information that will facilitate problem solving.

In this chapter are five suggestions for working with a wayward child. It is doubtful that by even following all of these suggestions one can expect any rapid changes to take place in a wayward child's behavior. Only rarely, and in unusual circumstances, does behavior change dramatically and stay changed. Great trauma and unmistakable threats to life can, but don't always, produce dramatic and lasting changes in a person's behavior. Many years ago my Uncle Harley was dying of lung cancer in a Los Angeles hospital. His brother-in-law, Uncle Adolph, went to the hospital to visit him to see if he could bring comfort and solace at this tragic moment in Harley's life. As Uncle Adolph entered the hospital room he was jolted by the pungent odor of disease, then shocked at the sight of the emaciated body of a man who only a short time earlier had been robust and the picture of health. Standing at Harley's bedside, holding his fleshless hand, Adolf greeted him with forced good cheer. But there was no response. Too weak even to smile, the only show of emotion that signaled Harley's awareness of his visitor were tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. At that moment of undeniable truth, the doctor walked in and said, simply, "Lung cancer caused by smoking." Immediately, Adolf, a life-long smoker, took his smokes from his shirt pocket and threw them in a waste basket. To this day, over 30 years later, Adolf has not put into his mouth tobacco of any kind. A moment of trauma had a remarkable effect on reversing the course of a life-long behavior. As parents, of course, we can't, nor should we try, to create these traumatic experiences as a way of teaching life's lessons to wayward children. These kinds of experiences are the best teachers when they occur naturally and unexpectedly in the course of one's life. Alcoholics have told me that nothing a loved one or a family member could have said would have altered their drinking habits. Those who have succeeded in kicking the alcohol habit did it only after they came to the undeniable realization that if they didn't change their behavior they would die or suffer some personally anguishing fate. As one reformed alcoholic told me, "I had to hit bottom so hard and then bounce a couple of times before I realized I simply had to change." Consequences delivered the message so powerfully that it couldn't be ignored, and the course of his behavior changed. Unfortunately, as parents we are sometimes left with no alternative but to wait and hope that wayward children will learn from the consequences of their own behavior, and that they will survive to benefit from those consequences.

The following suggestions do not involve trauma, nor are they expected to produce remarkable changes in a hurry. Rather, they are ways of building a relationship which, over time, has a high probability for bringing a child back into the value system. On page 136, Figure 6.1 illustrates the point I want to make. During childhood it is relatively easy to keep a child within the value system. During the childhood years, up to about age 12 or 13, parents can generally exercise sufficient direct and consequential control over their children to keep them in the value system. During these early childhood years, children tend to mind their parents. It seems to them to be the thing to do. But as they enter adolescence and come under the reinforcement control of influences outside the home (usually the peer group) that are more powerful than direct parental control, the tendency for them to leave the value system increases. As discussed in Chapter 6, during these adolescent years (from about 12 through 19) some children will leave the value system entirely, preferring the reinforcers that are made available to them by their peer groups to the reinforcers available to them at home. How rapidly they come back to the family and back to the family value system is in large measure a function of the quality of their relationship with the family during the time they were "wayward." This is nicely borne out in Emmy Werner's fascinating study published in the April 1989 issue of Scientific American under the title "Children of the Garden Island." She reported:

Among the critical turning points in the lives of troubled youths were entry into military service, marriage, parenthood, and active participation in a church group. In adulthood, as in their youth, most of these individuals relied on informal rather than formal sources of support: kith and kin rather than mental-health professionals and social-service agencies.

Here are the suggestions I encourage you to seriously consider if you have a wayward child.

1. Accept the Child As Is and Go On with Life

First, accept the child and his/her waywardness as a matter of fact and prepare yourself to endure that reality. In fact, prepare yourself to endure it well. By that I mean that though the child is wayward and out of control, it doesn't mean you have to be wayward and out of control as well. Go on with your life, smile and laugh a lot, and take hope in the fact that in all probability, things will be better in a few years. I know, that isn't what parents want to hear. They want something that is going to fix this kid up by tomorrow evening at the latest. Well, it isn't going to happen, but this doesn't mean that things are hopeless or that all is lost forever. Just remember, most children who go off the deep end as adolescents eventually resurface as responsible adults. Once the reinforcers of adolescent waywardness have all been spent, reason and maturity begin to have a chance, the family value system begins to make sense, and a new adult emerges.

2. While Children Are Astray, Parents Must Double Their Efforts to Secure and Strengthen the Bonds of Love and Concern Between Them and Their Children

There is a saying that goes, "Kids who deserve love the least need it the most." I encourage parents to rise above their disappointments, to quit lecturing the better life to their children, to stop grieving, and to start giving. Hug them, hug them every day. Tell them you love them everyday. Smile at them and laugh with them even though you might be weeping or are furiously angry inside. As I noted earlier, if necessary, put on a bit of an act. It must be a sincere act, however. But the more you act the way you should, the more genuine that act becomes until it is no longer an act. Behave towards them as though you couldn't possibly love them more. You will feel better and they will get better. I have never met a kid who didn't want his parents' genuine love. He or she might disappoint you. After all, kids are kids. But don't you disappoint them. After all, you are the adult, the person you want your child to become, so set a good model. This is called unconditional love. You love them anyway.

3. Never Shield Children from the Responsibility and Consequences of Their Behavior

Consequences are the greatest teachers in our lives. If we protect our children against the consequences of their behavior we distort reality and interfere with healthy growth and development. When children do things that cause them problems, avoid saying things like, "Oh, it really isn't your fault," or "They shouldn't have made such a fuss over such a little thing," or "I know you didn't really mean to do it so everything is okay." I remember as a boy hurting myself doing something I was told never to do. When I went to my mother for comfort, she simply acknowledged that it must have been painful, and then said, "That's the kind of thing that happens when we aren't careful." She didn't scold me for being careless nor place the blame for my suffering on something else. It was one of the greatest lessons I ever learned in my life.

I've lost count of the number of parents I've worked with who insist on protecting their children from experiencing the consequences of their behavior. I recall one family whose son decided, prematurely, to strike out on his own. He had taken up some bad habits which were diametrically opposed to the family value system and this caused considerable friction between him and his parents, so he moved out. He took a job at a local supermarket as a checkstand grocery bagger. Every few days, his father would go shopping at that store, and he always checked out at the checkstand where his son was working. As he paid for his groceries, and still had his wallet in his hand, he would ask his son how he was doing. Invariably the boy would put on his saddest face and tell his father how hard it was to make ends meet on the meager wages of a checkstand bagger. Without fail his father (who was a wealthy business man) would hand the boy several dollars as a token of his concern and love for the boy. It was, without doubt, the absolutely worst thing the father could have done. The boy never did learn to deal with the consequences of his own behavior. To this day, as a man in his late 30s, he is still irresponsible and no closer to the family nor to the family value system than he was as a boy.

4. Support the Institutions of Society That Disperse Consequences

If a child gets a speeding ticket, don't blame the police. If a child gets caught shoplifting, don't blame company security. If a child is caught in possession of alcohol, tobacco, or drugs and is required to go to juvenile court, don't blame the juvenile justice system or the courts. It is true, from time to time the police are wrong, the company security forces are wrong and the juvenile justice system is wrong, but they are less likely to be wrong than is the child less likely to be guilty. I'm aware of one study that documented that for every offense for which children are brought to justice, they commit ten equally serious offenses for which they are never caught.

Getting caught is probably the best thing that can happen to children who are engaged in unlawful behavior. And when caught, parents should certainly support the institutions that are there to protect us all against the abuses of others even if those others are our own children. Although I am personally disturbed by much of the undue coerciveness of our justice system, I believe for the most part our police are conscientious, want to do what is best for the individual, are genuinely concerned about the welfare of individuals even when those individuals are behaving badly, and are doing the best they can under difficult circumstances. If they are right and the kid is wrong then the kid should understand that parental support is on the side of right and that being on the side of right is in the best interest of the child. One of our daughters was caught shoplifting at one of the local department stores and had to go to juvenile court. I can remember how personally painful it was watching her account for her misdeeds before that judge. We hated being in that courtroom. We didn't deserve to be there. We had done nothing wrong! But despite the discomfort and the unfairness of it all to us as parents, we couldn't allow our own discomfort to deprive our daughter of the lesson she had to learn as a consequence of her own behavior. Happily, the consequences were sufficiently devastating to her that she learned the lesson well and it put an end to that behavior. Several years later I was approached by a gentleman I didn't recognize. He introduced himself as the department store security officer who had apprehended our daughter. He asked how she was doing and expressed genuine concern for her well being. I told him that she was doing just great, that she had learned a great lesson, and as a family we appreciated what he had done in her behalf. Then he said something that I thought was quite remarkable: "If more parents would allow those opportunities to be learning experiences rather than an invitation to become defensive, more kids would turn out just great."

5. Use Empathy and Understanding

As wayward children experience the consequences of their own behavior, parents must not be hard, judgmental, or insensitive. Rather, we should be empathetic and understanding though unyielding in terms of justice. Indeed, mercy must not rob justice, but it is important to respond to the unpleasant consequences our wayward children experience as a result of their behavior by saying things like, "I'm sure you must be hurting. I am really sorry it has come to this. Despite all that is unfortunate about this, please rest assured that we love you. You are not abandoned." These are bond-building responses, and the stronger the bonds the more likely the child will return to the value system as an adult. Whatever you do don't say some stupid thing like, "Well, I tried to warn you. But no, you wouldn't listen! Now look at the mess you're in. To say nothing about what you've done to the whole family!"

I reiterate, today is not forever. Children who are wayward as youth are far more likely than not to grow up to be responsible, contributing, productive, happy adults who love their parents, love their siblings, and become loving parents. The probability of that happening increases dramatically when we as parents respond to that waywardness appropriately, when we respond in ways that strengthen the bonds between us and them. As I have repeatedly cautioned in this book, don't throw your wayward children away. Don't kick them out of the house. If at all possible, keep them home within the positive and reinforcing sphere of your influence. Though it might take a few years, even several years, for the child to get his act together, the wait is well worth it.

Intro  ::   Review

NOW TO REVIEW

1. Accept the child as is. Practice unconditional love.
2. While the child is astray, double your efforts to secure and strengthen the bonds of love and concern between you and the child.
3. Never shield a child from the responsibility and consequences of his/her behavior.
4. Support the institutions of society that dispense consequences.
5. Use empathy and understanding, but don't allow mercy to rob justice.