Using Time to Your Advantage

Time heals all wounds.

When used effectively, time is a powerful tool in shaping behavior. In this chapter, we look at using time to cool off, time to think things over, time to heal emotional wounds, and time to build self-esteem. Also discussed is behavior over time, as a function of age.

Using Time to Cool Off

For as long as I can remember, the advice "count to ten" has been given as a way of putting distance between an impulse to do or say something stupid, and then doing or saying something stupid. And it's good advice. When dealing with feelings and behaviors, haste can make waste. When we are angry, frustrated, confused, at wits end, feeling hopeless and helpless, it is difficult to make good, sound, clear-headed decisions, a circumstance that applies not only to parents, but to children as well. Consequently, as parents we need to learn to use time to serve our needs, and we need to learn to use it to serve our children's needs as well. Consider the following example of a conflict that has arisen between a mother and her seventeen-year-old son over a privilege that he has not earned and is not getting. Even though the expectations and consequences were well understood beforehand by everyone, emotions soar:

Such a response helps to defuse an otherwise explosive situation, the family unit is still intact, and the burden of responsibility is placed squarely where it should be-on the shoulders of the child. This is an infinitely better approach than to respond in kind. For example:

Such a response fractures the family unit, and to mend it will require a lot of pain and a lot of healing. And even when it is healed, ugly scars can remain. By maintaining your composure and using time as a tool, you demonstrate to the child that you are in control, and that the home is a stable, predictable, sturdy environment. Kids love that feeling, even though they may not let on that they do.

In the example just given, the child was in a rage and unable to deal with things rationally; hence, the need for time to cool things down. In the following example, the shoe is on the other foot: the parent is the one who is upset. Here's the situation: Mary, a 16-year-old, didn't get in until 3:00 am. Mother is waiting up and is furious. Mary enters the house, and mother is standing there fuming:

In such a situation, the mother has modeled excellent self-control, the mother's love and concern for the girl have come through as being more important than the girl's behavior, and the stage has been set for a constructive, positive mother-daughter talk, that might very well go like this:

Avoid making decisions, issuing ultimatums, reprimanding, and laying down the law when you are angry. Use time to your advantage. We know that when time is used to separate anger from a response it can have a wonderful effect on the quality of that response. If a parent is angry, and reacts quickly when angry, that reaction is almost certain to be one the parent will regret, or will do more harm than good. But if time is allowed to pass, thus putting distance between the anger and the response, the anger will almost certainly give way to reason, and the chances for a constructive, positive relationship are much, much greater. In the situation that was just illustrated, the mother was wise to invite time to her rescue. It took the heat off, and allowed the mother to turn a situation that could have been destructive into one that was constructive. She also created a great teaching opportunity.

Using Time to Think Things Over

Occasionally our children will come to us for advice or to share with us something about which they want our approval. Since youth are generally inexperienced, naive about many of the realities of life, and a bit impetuous, they tend to resist our advice (even when they ask for it), and their decisions often reflect only the rosiest of perspectives. To help them put things into proper perspective, time can be used to good advantage. Consider this situation: Bill comes home very excited about a conversation he's just had with a salesman at a nearby used car lot where he has been introduced to the car of his dreams. Bill is seventeen years old, works as a bag boy at the local supermarket, and will be a junior in high school next year. The discussion goes something like this:

The time it takes to gather all of the necessary information-not to mention the things the boy will learn-will have a great effect on waking the boy up to reality.

If a parent tries to short circuit this process by putting the idea down on the spot, and questioning the boy's ability to afford the car before the facts are all known, it would likely make the boy more determined to buy the car, and to not seriously consider all of the realities. Statements like, "You're buying a $5,300 car! That's a joke, Bill! You're nothing but a bag boy at the grocery store. What makes you think you can afford a car? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. Ride your bike. You can afford to ride a bike!" drive kids away from their parents. These kinds of responses do nothing but make a child feel inadequate, and deprives him of a great opportunity to learn about life and to practice good decision making.

But even with a careful analysis of the economic commitment one makes when considering the purchase of a car, the boy might still decide to buy, and be hurt in the process. That's not all bad. Consequences are powerful teachers, the results of which can be good in the long run. A few years ago, my youngest daughter invited me to go car shopping with her. She was excited and filled with anticipation as we visited several dealers and she test drove quite a number of cars. Finally, she made her selection. It couldn't have been a worse choice! After calmly prompting her to carefully weigh all of the important considerations, it was clear that her mind was set, and not wanting to put a guilt trip on her, or to make her feel that she had displeased her father, I smiled, gulped, and congratulated her on her very first major purchase. I can still recall how happy she was as she drove that brand new car off the lot and headed home to Logan. Three and half years, and several thousands of dollars of depreciation later, my now married daughter came to me distraught and in tears!

To make a long story short, she kept the car, paying it off one painful payment at a time, and in the process learning a great lesson about credit buying that will serve her well for years to come. Natural consequences taught her more than all of my wisdom and wonderful, sage advice could ever have taught, and my precious daughter made a giant leap into adulthood. (It was probably well worth the price she paid, come to think of it.)

Using Time to Heal Emotional Wounds

Sometimes parents will say things to their children, and children will say things to their parents, they regret having said. Time can help heal the wounds inflicted by misused words. For example:

If Ted says something like, "That's okay, Mom. It's just one of those things." Respond appreciatively: "Thanks Ted. Things will be okay, I can assure you." Then let it go at that.

If, on the other hand, he responds in anger, don't depart from the spirit of what you said. Be compassionate and empathetic, but stay on course:

By remaining calm, on course, and using time to your advantage, you will eventually make your case and wounds will be healed. Kids are tremendously resilient. They can bounce back from some pretty terrible assaults by parents. It's never too late to start the healing process, and there is generally plenty of time for the healing to take place.

Using Time to Build Self-Esteem

Parents want their children to feel good about themselves; to see themselves as worthwhile and able. But self-esteem isn't built in a day. It takes time, time mixed with the right choice of words.

Children who have a low self-esteem not only feel worthless, they have difficulty accepting statements of support and confidence from others. Consider this situation:

Parents often respond abruptly and defensively like this. They are so anxious to get the message across to their kids quickly, in hopes their kids' self-esteem will get better quickly. It's kind of a panic response intended to save a kid's life. It's a very natural way of responding. After all, if the child is in danger, one is inclined to act quickly. A better way is to use time to your advantage. A damaged self-esteem isn't deadly. In time it can heal. But it takes time. Time is important for at least two reasons. First, there needs to be enough time to repeatedly get the message across to the child that he does have worth. Secondly, the child needs time to learn to accept the fact that he has worth. Self-esteem, or the lack of it, is a learned behavior. No one is born with it or without it, and learning a behavior takes time.

Let's revisit the situation with David and illustrate a better way. We'll start from the beginning:

Now what can David say? With this response, David's ability to write is no longer a topic. The issues on the table now are the parent's genuineness and David's choice to believe the parent or not. Let's consider what David might say, and how the parent would respond so the channels of communication are kept open and, over time, the parents can continue to get this important message across.

I've used the example of ping-pong. It could be checkers or chess, Trivial Pursuit, marbles, or any number of things. It makes no difference so long as the experience is a positive one, and the door is left open for a continuation of positive experiences. But be sure to pick activities in which the child is able to compete and even win. Don't invite the child to an activity that invites more failure into his life!

Let's suppose, however, that David's response is hostile, and argumentative.

Either way, the parent did not allow the conversation to degenerate into an argument over the parent's motives, or into a fruitless attempt to convince the child he is able and does have worth. And best of all, the door to the future was left open, a future in which other opportunities could be created to build the boy's self-esteem.

Time is a powerful tool that parents can use to influence the way their children think, feel, and act. Learn to use that tool well, then use it to your and your children's advantage.

Behavior Over Time As A Function of Age

Change can be a slow process, particularly where human behavior is concerned. And it gets slower the older the individual gets. With young children dramatic changes can be effected quite rapidly. The tantrums of a 2-year-old can be "fixed" in only a few days. Recently I worked with a young couple whose 3-year-old wouldn't stay in his crib at night. In 20 minutes we had that problem solved. A few weeks after our visit, I asked the mother how things were going. She said, "Oh, it's wonderful. Now when it's bedtime he comes to me and says `It's time for me to go to bed, Mommy."'

For older children, particularly adolescents who are under the reinforcement control of peer groups and other powerful influences outside the home, change for the better can come pretty slowly. Figure 6.1 illustrates this important reality. During childhood, it's fairly easy to keep children within the family value system. They are small enough that parents can pick them up and take them or put them where they are supposed to be. Parents are able to get their way by asserting themselves as adults. However, as children enter adolescence, all of that begins to change as they become more and more vulnerable to out-of-home spheres of influence. Children can, and do, tell their parents to "bug off," and remind them that they (the children) can do what they want to do, "and you can't stop me!" And they are correct, we can't.

All children "play with fire" during adolescence. Even the best kids sneak outside the value system from time to time to taste forbidden fruits. One study by the juvenile justice system revealed that for every dalliance at which a kid is caught, at least 10 equally serious offenses have gone undetected. For the most part, children identify more with life in the value system than out of it; that is, they find it to be more reinforcing to be "in" instead of "out," so "in" is where they generally are. Some, however, given the reinforcer's outside the value system, reject parental guidance and leadership; exploit the resources of home and family and make little to no contribution to either; groom, dress, and behave in a manner that brings embarrassment and shame to the family; avoid contact or association with family members except in pursuit of selfish interests (getting money, food, lodging, clothing, transportation, etc.); are generally unpleasant to be with, are sullen and surly and look and smell bad; and make light of things that are held dear within the value system such as religious teachings and family traditions.

When children have gotten to this degree of dissidence with the family value system, the probability of getting them back into the value system during adolescence approximates the probable survival rate of an ice cube in hell. So what do parents do? Since I've repeatedly extended the caution to parents to not throw their kids away, what are they to do under such desperate conditions as these?!? There is an answer, and it has two dimensions: bonding and consequences.

First, bonding. Though the kid might be out of control, that doesn't mean the parent(s) must be out of control. Though parents will likely be heartsick, they needn't react in kind. (See Figure 4.1) Rather, they should go on with life, rise above the immaturity of the child's behavior, display strength and character, have the best relationship possible with one another and the other members of the family, and let the out-of-control child know that though he/she is out of control, the parents aren't. When the child comes home, greet him and interact with him on a mature, adult basis, without being victimized! An encounter might go like this:

Scenario #2: The boy argues.

Before moving to Scenario #3, I need to remind you about the risks parents must take in the rearing of children. Parenting is a risk-laden activity, and those risks increase with age. To complicate matters, the probabilities for successful treatment decrease with age as risk goes up, as illustrated in Figure 6.2. Happily, that all tends to reverse itself as children move into adulthood. In these Scenarios, I've tried to capture the essence of what I've experienced over the years both as a parent and in my work with families. In all instances, I have always taken what I felt was the course of least risk, but realizing all the while, that risks were there. Virtually without exception, proceeding as I am illustrating here carries with it the least risk.

No procedure or therapy is entirely risk-free. The medical treatment model gives us a good basis for comparison. Not long ago I had an appendicitis attack. For a nearly 61-year-old man, that was unusual and a bit more complicated. Before operating on me, the surgeon sat down on the side of my hospital bed and enumerated the risks of such a procedure for a man my age. He concluded by saying, "But, of course, the risk of doing nothing is the riskiest option of all." And so it is with behavior. In instances of behavioral problems, the risk of doing nothing at all can be the riskiest option of all. When the surgeon talked to me about the risk of treatment he and I both understood that commonly accepted surgical procedures would be applied. We weren't talking about witch doctoring! And so it is with behavioral treatment. Commonly accepted behavioral treatment procedures, based on science, are what is being applied here. These are not snake oil remedies. But even under the best conditions, whether it's a medical/surgical procedure or a behavioral one, we are not entirely free of risk.

Scenario #3: The boy complies and agrees to work.

When the boy approaches his father to get paid, the father must inspect the work. This isn't just for purposes of accountability. It also provides the father an opportunity to acknowledge good performance, administer correctives should the job not be quite up to standard, and communicate to the boy the value of a job well done. After all, the boy is getting paid by the hour so more work means more money. (Of course, care must be taken to assure that the boy is not taking more time than is necessary just to increase the amount of pay. It is always important to estimate in advance how much time would be needed to get the job done correctly, and what would be a fair price to pay for the work.)

Little-by-little, over time, these kinds of relationships will build and bond, then, looking again at Figure 6.1, when the boy is leaving adolescence and about to enter adulthood, some interesting things happen, all of which work in the boy's and the family's interests, if bonding has taken place during the previous difficult years. For starters, the peer group begins to disintegrate. Its members marry, go away to school or work, join the military, and so on. Also, the reality of impending adulthood comes crashing down on the kid. Additional responsibilities mount. The need to be self-supporting has reared its sobering head. Combined, these introduce a measure of trauma into the now young man's life, and trauma always drives a person to seek relief. But where does one look for relief in an uncertain world? You guessed it, the predictable structure and security of a stable home and family. And if the child's home and family have been secure and stable while he has been away to the hinterlands of foolishness, home and family is where he will return, but now in an altogether different frame of mind. (Remember the Prodigal Son Syndrome? It is centuries old.) As noted by Laurens van der Post and Jane Taylor, in their book Testament To The Bushmen:

Now another word about consequences. As you can imagine, among my favorite Bible stories is the story of the Prodigal Son, who when he "came to himself" said, "I will go to my father." And that tends to be the way it goes; not always, but usually. My experience over the years indicates at least 85% of those who leave the value system during adolescence return to the value system as adults. The probabilities of that happening even increase when the bonds between the family and the child are strong, when parents have been in control of their lives, even when the kids have been out of control of theirs.

Getting back to the parable of the Prodigal Son, there are two other notable lessons to be learned. The first lesson is that when the boy came home "the father fell on his neck and kissed him." The father made a loving, warm, embracing, physical contact with the boy and welcomed him home with rejoicing. He didn't say, "You dumb cluck! Look at you. What a mess. Dirty, broke, stinking (remember, he had been working and living with pigs!). I can't believe it! You make me sick. No skills, no nothing. How in the world can you expect to make a living? And look at the shame you've brought to the family! How am I to explain all that? Do you have any idea what a fix you've put me in!? I've told the neighbors and family you've been off on business. How am I going to explain this! Brother!"

No, he didn't do this kind of stupid thing. Behaving like that is little to no better than the way the boy behaved when he was living outside the value system. Rather, the father was positive and proactive. He didn't say a word about misbehavior but instead began immediately to build the boy up. That's the first lesson.

The second lesson to be learned from this parable is about consequences. When the brother who stayed home and tended to the family business began to complain about all the fuss being made over his prodigal brother, the father said, "All that I have is thine." Do you see the lesson in this? Though the father rejoiced at the return of the boy who was lost, he allowed the consequences of the boy's decision (that is, to take his portion of the inheritance and squander it) to remain with the boy. The father didn't go to his wiser son and say, "Let's rethink your brother's position with the company. Surely there's enough here for all of us to live comfortably. What do you say we carve out a portion for him." No, he let the consequences rest in place. No free lunch. No non contingent reinforcer's. No mercy being allowed to rob justice. What a powerful lesson in parenting!

When children leave the value system, they enter areas of high risk, and seldom return without having experienced some degree of loss. For some, this might be so severe that they suffer from it for the rest of their lives. Drug and alcohol abuse, disease, poverty are all losses from which it is difficult to recover. But those are the natural consequences of poor decisions and though we should love our children anyway-unconditionally-we must not deny them the lessons to be learned from the consequences of their own behaviors. Our support should always be there, but it should be there contingently.

Often, when I talk to parents of wayward children about being patient while at the same time being positive and proactive, they express a sense of despair. They don't want to wait that long. They want changes now! Well, it just doesn't happen that way. And besides, gradual change for the better is generally more lasting than is dramatic change, and much easier to maintain. Figure 6.3 illustrates this point. With dramatic change, the behavior tends to move rapidly away from the reinforcer's that have maintained it. This puts a lot of stress on the system, as when one stretches an elastic band. The further it is stretched, the greater the resistance and the more powerful the force to get back to equilibrium. And so it is with human behavior, particularly the behavior of older children and adults. A too-rapid departure from baseline simply increases the forces of regression to baseline, forces that draw the behavior back to its reinforcer's so fast, in fact, that conditions might ultimately be worse as a result of such a radical approach to treatment. Crash dieting is a perfect example. The great majority of people who go on crash diets not only gain back all they lost, but typically more. One study found that in a period of time roughly equal to twice as long as it took to lose the weight, the people gained back 105% of what was lost. For example, if a person lost 20 pounds in a month, within about two months, that person would have gained back 21 pounds.

Gradual improvement in one's behavior is far more lasting than is immediate, dramatic change for the better. Think in terms of little-by-little.

Gradual change, on the other hand, where reinforcer's are kept close to the behavior, thus creating a new baseline of behavior (as illustrated in Figure 6.3), is much more likely to be lasting change.

In some instances, however, it has been found that dramatic change treatments, e.g. going "cold turkey," are the best, in the long run. Drug, alcohol, and tobacco addiction are examples of behaviors that are best treated through abstinence. And, of course, some socially deviant behaviors must also be treated with abrupt, dramatic-change methods. Child and spouse abuse, kleptomania, pyromania, homicide, and so on are not behaviors that can be allowed to decrease gradually. These are behaviors that almost always need professional help, and where precise and direct support systems are put in place to prevent regression to baseline.

Figure 6.3 - Dramatic vs. Gradual Change

NOW TO REVIEW

Use time to your advantage to:

1. cool off,
2. think things over,
3. heal emotional wounds, and
4. build self-esteem.

By using time wisely, even though our children might be engaging in terrible behaviors outside the value system, we can still bond with them. Bonding time, plus the lessons children learn from the natural consequences of their risk-laden behaviors, will combine to bring errant children back to the family, back to the value system. But this all takes time. Gradual change is typically better and more long-lasting than dramatic, metamorphic-like change.