The Changing Family and How to Change for the Better

The human family will never be the same - and that's not all bad. Perhaps the best thing we have going for us today is that so much is known about how to raise a happy family.

Without doubt many of us grew up in families that reflected the best in Currier and Ives tradition. Over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we went, and when we got there we were joyfully greeted by loving, gray-haired saints, arms outstretched, warmly welcoming us home to the aroma of freshly baked bread and a jar of chocolate chip cookies.

Despite this pleasant stereotype, social research has taught us that the family woes of today were probably as prevalent in generations past. Had it not been for a demanding life of survival that kept their noses to the grindstone (and their hands in the milking shed), our parents and grandparents would have been every bit as beside themselves about the behavior of their children as parents are today.

Parents today tend to be too hard on themselves by buying into the myth of the ideal family. They make simple comparisons between themselves and their parents, between their families and families past, without considering changes in society and the effects of those changes on children's behavior. In earlier generations, circumstances in the environment helped parents manage most behavior. As a boy, I knew that if the wood boxes weren't full, Mom couldn't fix supper and there would be no heat to warm the house the next morning. I had chores that really meant something! I knew what my dad did for a living. I worked beside him from childhood through young adulthood. Furthermore, he was the boss, and like the other men who worked for him, I knew that and behaved accordingly. If I was going to be delinquent, I was going to have to do it on my own time!

My responsibilities, the clear-cut roles of my parents, and the need to perform to survive combined to make parenting relatively easy. Shortly before my 89-year-old mother died, I asked about her approach to parenting. She looked at me quizzically and said, "I never had an approach to parenting. I never thought about it. I had too much to do just to keep you kids clothed and fed."

For most families, those days are gone forever. I have six children, all well educated. Not one of them knows for sure what I do for a living. They grew up in comfort and security, and never had to turn a finger to help achieve that. One of their biggest problems was trying to figure out what to do with all the time they had on their hands. How many times I heard, "Dad, I'm bored! What can I do?" My wife and I learned early on that, unlike the past, it wasn't circumstances that were going to raise our children-it was us! In fact, a new set of circumstances in society had now become the problem. The environment was no longer on our side. Tragically, it was working against us. Dramatic evidence of this state of things was reported in 1988 by the Fullerton, California Police Department and the California Department of Education. This side-by-side comparison of problems facing our society today, compared with those of 50 years ago, is dramatic:

It is nearly impossible to escape the bombardment of social statistics that describe the human environment today, characterized by one author as "a catastrophe": e.g., marginally functional families, the insanity of child and spouse abuse, the ever-enlarging grip of poverty, a welfare system that has "contributed to the deteriorating state of the family," "throwaway" kids in the hundreds of thousands being fed upon by the lusts of the lowest of the low-life, and the list goes on and on and on. It has been estimated that 90% of the children of today are growing up "under vastly different circumstances than children did just one generation ago." A survey of elementary teachers conducted for the National PTA and the American Academy of Pediatrics identified psychological and emotional problems, unhealthy lifestyle of parents, and family violence and abuse as the three biggest health problems of children today. As one author noted, "We have to spend more time just doing battle with our own culture."

In large measure, that battle is being lost, not because parents don't love or care about their children, because the great majority certainly do care. A report issued in 1992 by the Center for the Study of Social Policy noted that "American parents care about their children. They spend most of their time at work or taking care of family matters. They want to give their children the right start in life and a better chance than they themselves had. But many families live in situations that make it difficult to reach these goals."

This book speaks to one of those situations, and though it's only one, it is perhaps the most important one: parenting skills. Yes, skills, as contrasted with intuition, common logic, and conventional wisdom, none of which forms a good basis for parenting. As we study stress and conflict in homes and families, it becomes immediately evident that these stresses and conflicts exist and persist because parents lack basic parenting skills; they haven't been taught a better way to deal with their own behaviors nor the behaviors of their children. They tend to raise their children as they were raised, and by and large that leaves a lot to be desired! When people become parents, they bring to that new role in life models and experiences about parenting, but rarely skills. Recently I was in the home of a young couple-struggling college students, the parents of a 2-year-old boy and a baby girl-who said, "We want to raise our children differently than we were raised. We swore we would never shout at or hit our children as our parents did with us. But we find ourselves doing those very things! We find ourselves hitting and spanking and screaming at our children, and doing all of that negative stuff. We don't want that. We just don't want that in our home!"

There is so much "negative stuff' going on in families, and it exists because parents don't know a better way. They have no skills! I'm reminded of the father who called the police into his home to arrest his 6-year-old son for refusing to obey him. I remember reading of the grandmother who locked a 3-year-old child in a 5-foot-by-5-foot wooden cage because "she was an active 3-year-old and her family couldn't handle her." Of the parents who chained up their 15-year-old daughter to keep her away from drugs because they were "desperate." Of the father who shook his 3-month old son to death because "...he got frustrated when the baby wouldn't quit crying." And of the parents who put their 4-year-old daughter in scalding water as punishment for soiling her pants. Of course, that is not punishment, it is brutality. Mindless, out-of-control brutality! Parents with no skills.

"Desperate" and "out of control" are terms I hear continually from parents. Not knowing a better way of parenting, they turn almost immediately to coercive methods to control behavior. They try to control by hitting, spanking, screaming, threatening, hurting (Oh, I could tell you some terrible stories in this regard!), and abandoning. Louis Sullivan, President Bush's Health and Human Services Secretary, said, "We are raising a generation of young males who measure their manhood by the caliber of their gun and by the number of children they have fathered-a generation for whom the camaraderie of a gang has replaced the love of a family." Dr. Sullivan is sadly correct, but it can also be said in truth and in fact that we are raising a generation for whom the camaraderie of a gang has replaced the coercion of a family; where children seek the acceptance of the gang as an escape from the coercion of the home. Well, there is a better way, to which this book is dedicated.

Happily, research in human behavior has given us a lot of help. In this book, that help centers around three dominant themes: parent-child interactions, ignoring inconsequential behavior, and parents' responsibility to teach their children how to behave appropriately.

First, parents must go out of their way to have positive, pleasant experiences and interactions with their children. As we study parent-child interactions in the home, we are alarmed to find that these interactions are far more likely to be negative than positive. In fact, parents are typically five to six times more likely to have negative interactions with their children than they are to have positive interactions with them. A study conducted in 1984 revealed that whereas in 1930, contact between parents and their children averaged 3 to 4 hours per day, by 1984 the amount of contact was 14 1/2 minutes per day, of which slightly more than 12 1/2 of those minutes were spent in one-way (parent to child) negative communication! Nowadays it seems that parents are so anxious to set their children straight (perhaps out of fear of what might happen if they don't!) that they feel compelled to "nip trouble in the bud" by getting after their kids every time they do something wrong. Unfortunately, this ultimately produces just the opposite of what is desired. Since behavior is typically strengthened by parental attention (positive or negative), by attending to inappropriate behavior we are far more likely to increase its frequency and intensity than we are to "nip it in the bud." In other words, we make matters worse. We strengthen the very behaviors we want to eliminate! We create a coercive environment from which children want to escape, or in which they try time and again to get even.

The far better way is to give positive attention to the things our children do appropriately. By attending to the good and desirable things our children do, we dramatically increase the likelihood that those good and desirable things will increase. My friend and colleague, Dr. Joseph Cautela, advocates a high "general level of positive reinforcement" as the best way to establish a healthy home environment. (How this is done is addressed repeatedly throughout the book.)

There is an old adage in our society that admonishes us to "leave well enough alone." That is good advice where things like live ammunition, angry rattle snakes, and scabs on sores are concerned. But it is terrible advice where human behavior is concerned. I advise parents to go out of their way to have dozens of positive interactions and no negative interactions every day with each of their children who are living at home. And it's easy to do. It takes some effort and practice, as is discussed at length later, to get into the habit, but it can be done And when it is done oh, how wonderful things become! Parents are always complaining to me that their kids never hear a thing they say. Well, just try praise. You'll be surprised how quickly children's hearing improves (and adults', too!)

Negativeness at home is killing the family! I recently gave a talk about parenting to a group of high school students and stressed the need for a positive environment in the home. During some role playing to demonstrate how to be positive during stressful situations, the girl I was role-playing with burst out laughing, and said, "If my father said those things to me I'd pass right out. I can't imagine him saying those things to me!" Later the teacher asked the students, "Let me see by a raise of hands how many of you are regularly and predictably criticized by your parents for the things you do wrong." Every hand went up. She then said, "Let me see the hands of those who are regularly and predictably praised or complimented by their parents for the good and appropriate things they do." You guessed it: not one hand went up! A few months ago my wife and I were judges at a county contest among teenage girls. While being interviewed, the contestants were asked, "What makes you really happy?" Twelve of the 15 girls answered, "When my parents compliment me." In this regard I was interested in a conclusion drawn by a family researcher (Dr. Brent Miller, Utah State University, College of Family Life) who wrote, "Female teenagers involved in sexual activity are more likely to have strained relations with their families in the form of less open communications with their parents, receiving less praise for their achievements, and viewing their parents' marriage as being less close and warm."

Secondly, and certainly related to the first, parents must learn to ignore most of the age-typical, "junk" behavior of their children. (When I use the term "behavior," I am referring to things people say and do-including what kids say and do, given that they are people!) Easily 95% of the things kids do that drive their parents crazy should not be given any attention at all. Just turn and walk away. Just ignore it. It is simply age-typical behavior; it goes with the territory. It is the "heat of the kitchen." Behavior that does not get attention soon weakens and dies. When kids argue and scrap with one another, just walk out of the room. Most of the time they are simply performing, and if an audience gathers, it just encourages (that is, reinforces) the performance.

I know, parents get frustrated and don't know what to do or say. Out of frustration they feel compelled to say and do something! My advice is this: Unless what you are about to say or do has a high probability of making things better (both for the moment and in the long run), don't say it and don't do it! For every ounce of frustration we get off our chests by screaming at and beating on our kids, we put a pound of trouble on their shoulders and ours!

By looking for opportunities to have happy, positive interactions with our children, and by just ignoring the "junk" behavior, it is possible to transform an otherwise unhappy home into a pleasant, more stable environment. Try it. You have nothing to lose but a lot of unhappiness and a lot of unpleasant behavior.

Third, parents have the ultimate responsibility to teach children how to behave appropriately. Yes, teach. How often parents say to me, "My child won't behave," "My child can't stay out of trouble," or "My child will not mind." Statements like these describe what the child can't or won't do in terms that suggest the child is to blame: it's the child's fault! If parents better understood their role as teachers, they would say, "I haven't taught my child to behave well," "I haven't taught my child to stay out of trouble," or "I haven't taught my child to mind." When a child fails to behave properly, that is evidence the child has either not been taught to behave appropriately, or the child is more often reinforced for behaving inappropriately than for behaving appropriately. Therefore, inappropriate, improper behavior must be recognized as a reason and an opportunity to teach, not as an excuse to punish. When children behave badly, rather than say, "That child needs to be punished for behaving that way," say, "I need to teach the child how to behave appropriately," or, "I need to be more responsive to appropriate behavior." If you will look at behavior this way, you are well on the way to successful parenting. In this book, you learn how to do that.

Much is said and many examples are given about how to be positive and how to respond to behavior, both appropriate and inappropriate, in an instructive way rather than in a punitive, coercive way. It is quite possible you might have a child with a behavior problem that is so serious that it will need individual and specialized treatment.

Even slight modifications in parent-child relations can produce remarkable changes in the home.

I understand all too well how serious some behaviors can be. My wife and I have raised six children! Serious problems often need specialized attention. What I suggest in this book are proven, sound ways of preventing problems in the first place, or of keeping problems from becoming serious, and of making the home a more pleasant, facilitating environment in which to raise children. No matter how serious a behavior problem is, to one extent or another, the information contained in this book, appropriately applied, will make things better.

When I advise parents on the use of the methods described in this book, they often have difficulty relating to what I tell them. Some can't even imagine their children behaving in any way other than has been the case in the past. It is hard for them to realize that by slightly altering events and circumstances in the environment, remarkable changes in behavior can and do occur. Children fight less, are more apt to do as told, feel better about themselves, and are generally happier and more enjoyable to be with. Parents often say to me, "Dr. Latham, that might work for some kids, but you don't know my kid!" In saying that, they assume that despite environmental changes, the behavior of their children will continue on totally unaffected. Please don't read this book in that frame of mind. As I illustrate time and again, with even slight modifications in the home, typically as they affect adult-child interactions, remarkable changes can and do happen.

I'm reminded of an experience I had a few years ago working with the dormitory parents of a Bureau of Indian Affairs off-reservation boarding school. A 17-year-old boy in one of the dorms was particularly troublesome. He was moody, sometimes violent, and "always" obnoxious and non-compliant. Referring to methods discussed in this book, I made a few simple and very basic suggestions. The dorm attendant actually laughed out loud at what I had proposed. He said, "Man, if I did that, he'd kill me. He doesn't understand anything but brute force. The only way you control that kid is with this!" as he displayed a clenched fist and a bulging muscular arm. I said, "Has that improved his behavior? Is he a nicer boy, a happier boy?" The dorm attendant, supported by responses from the other 64 people in the group, assured me that things weren't any better, "But at least it keeps him in line." I appealed to him: "Look," I said, "If what you've been doing hasn't worked or hasn't made things any better, do me a favor and just try what I've suggested. You have nothing to lose. Humor me. Okay?" He agreed.

The next morning as the group was convening, the dorm attendant was uncharacteristically early. He made a beeline for me and said, "Let's get started right away. I have something to tell these people." I had hardly gotten the group to order when, without invitation, the fellow jumped to his feet and said, "Hey, you guys. Be quiet. I have something to tell you. I did what Dr. Latham told me to do. What I really wanted to do was kill the kid, but I didn't. He waited around for me to get mad, or something. But I didn't. I just waited for an opportunity to be nice to him when he did something good. When I did, he looked at me kind of funny and just stood there-looking at me. I didn't know what else to do, so I just stood there looking back, then I put my arm around his shoulders and gave him a hug. I told him there were some things about him I really liked. Tears came into his eyes, and there was no expression at all on his face. Then he said, 'Do you mean there is some hope for me after all?' and he put his arms around me and we just stood there holding each other. Man, it was like a miracle. I couldn't believe what was happening." No miracles, just good "parenting."

Parents often ask me, "What characteristics are common to strong families? What should we do to increase our chances of raising happy, productive children?" These are questions of immense importance that I have tried to address in this book. To organize your thinking for what follows, as it relates to these important questions, carefully read and ponder what is included on the remaining pages of this chapter. Also, I recommend that you read an excellent article written by Dr. Robert Epstein, "Getting Your Child to Say Yes," published in the January, 1992 issue of Reader's Digest, pages 151-154. Now, on to the development of important parenting skills!

Research has shown that the most effective way to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken undesirable behavior using aversive or negative processes.
- S.W. Bijou The International Encyclopedia of Education, 1988

Characteristics of Low and High Risk Families: A Summary of Research

From behavioral research, we have learned that adults who, as children, were conscientious, and learned discipline and self-control, are happier, are more creative, productive, and expressive; are more able to work well with others; are more socially acceptable; live longer; and are the most secure and adventurous. It's a whole lot easier to build the child than to repair the adult.

Following are characteristics we as parents should possess to eliminate stress, build physical and emotional endurance, and promote personal happiness:

1. Conventional in life style - Individuals who surround themselves with controversy and who strive for unconventional life styles tend to experience less satisfying lives, characterized by unhappiness.
2. Less introspective - Happy adults tend not to be quite as likely to spend large quantities of their time focused upon themselves, how they feel, what they are thinking. etc.
3. Physically active - Exercise is a miracle worker that cures all kinds of ills - including stress.
4. Ability to share burdens - There is a real value in selectively sharing the problems we face with people who are truly trustworthy and caring. Emmy Warner, in her study "Children of the Garden Island," used the term "kith and kin" to describe such people. Just telling someone that you are uptight can often act as a release. Don't become a crybaby, however.
5. Knowledge of one's limits - If a problem is beyond your limits, admit it and accept that there is only so much that you can do. This often frees you to find solutions which would otherwise be hidden.
6. Self-respect - You are special. Treat yourself that way. Eat properly (fewer potato chips and more carrots), set yourself a regular routine for sleep, dress upbeat, groom well, etc. It does wonders.
7. Relaxation - People under stress tend to avoid relaxing. Take time to play, alone and with others. You need to let your hair down from time to time, but without losing your respectability. This is not an invitation to be a fool.
8. Involvement - One way to deal with stress is to focus your attention on other people. Get involved in the lives of others. Help your neighbor in some way. Join a service club. Volunteer to be a fund raiser. Do it! Serve others.
9. Organization - Make lists of what you need to do, and then check them off one by one. Lists give order and make complex tasks appear possible. Lists give hope and reduce tension. It's also very reinforcing to put a check beside an item on the list that has been accomplished.
10. Ability to be wrong - Being right all the time is an impossibility. Learn to do your best and accept that you will fall flat on your face from time to time. Just get up, smile, laugh at yourself, and move on.
11. Sense of humor - Read the funny papers, the jokes in magazines, etc. Interact with joyful people and learn to laugh with them. Laughter is wonderful medicine, as documented by Norman Cousins in his work, "Anatomy of an Illness."
12. Ability to express emotion - If you are sad, shed a few tears. Don't feel as if you need to keep a stiff upper lip all the time. Cry and then get back to the business of living. Laugh a lot, particularly at yourself. Don't take yourself too seriously. It's okay to feel afraid, to be angry (in a non-hurtful way).
13. Getting away - It is always well to take time-outs. Find a peaceful place and go there for nothing else but to get away and forget the troubles of the day. Go fishing, shopping; just get away by yourself doing something you want to do.
14. Avoiding self-medication - The last thing in the world you should do is attempt to escape stress by "popping" pills. That is dumb and seldom helps. The suggestions given above are all far better than pills.