Sibling Rivalry

Rivalry  ::   Rule 1  ::   Rule 2  ::   Rule 3  ::   Rule 4  ::   Rule 5  ::   Review

"As boys, my brother and I fought to the death. As adults, we would die for one another."
Glenn Latham

Sibling rivalry, though one of the classic age-typical behaviors of children, drives parents up the wall. Between the friction it causes and the upsetting effect it has on the family, it persists as a major concern of parents. When we study sibling rivalry we observe a couple of things that are important for parents to keep in mind. These help us put sibling rivalry into perspective.

First, it is characteristic of virtually all children. Pleasant, obedient kids fight with their brothers and sisters just as do unpleasant, disobedient kids. It's as much a part of growing up in a family setting as getting taller, having acne, and being worried about being accepted by the peer group. It is one way by which kids learn how to survive in society. It helps teach them what they can and cannot get away with. Remember, children are in the process of becoming civilized. As children, they are generally-yes, even basically-selfish. They tend to be insensitive to the feelings of others. Name calling, fighting, insulting gestures-you name it-are all part of the syndrome. But like tantruming, we parents tend to give these kinds of behaviors far, far too much attention.

Secondly, running through our minds while our children are fighting with one another are visions of kids who, as adults, will behave toward others in society as they behave toward their siblings. These visions of despair are for the most part unwarranted. As parents we look back on our own lives and recall rivalry between us and our brothers and sisters and laugh about it. It's part of the bonding process. It's one of those things we must learn to endure.

There are some things we as parents can do to keep sibling rivalry within a tolerable range. Notice, I said "within a tolerable range." You are not going to completely eliminate rivalry among siblings unless you completely eliminate the siblings. In this chapter I discuss five rules of parenting related to sibling rivalry (rules that apply to many other settings as well, as has been discussed repeatedly throughout this book). I urge you to learn these rules and to skillfully use them. If you do, you will have a powerful and positive effect on the quality of life in your home. Now the five rules:

Rivalry  ::   Rule 1  ::   Rule 2  ::   Rule 3  ::   Rule 4  ::   Rule 5  ::   Review

Rule 1: Ignore Inconsequential Behavior
(You've heard this before, right!)

The first and most effective skill for dealing with sibling rivalry is to simply ignore it. If kids are arguing and scrapping with one another, turn away from them and even leave the room. If other children, on the other hand, are behaving nicely, turn your attention to them and say something positive like, "It really pleases me to see you children enjoying yourselves so much." Then attend to that behavior a few seconds to further demonstrate your approval. Avoid with all your might the temptation to dash right in there, lower the boom, and put things in order, to "stop that nonsense!" This is ineffective, and in the long term even makes things worse. If it is simply common, garden variety, everyday bickering and arguing, just leave it alone. If there are others who are behaving well, direct your attention to them.

Upon advising a mother to just ignore her boys' fighting (which I learned was inconsequential), she replied, "If I just ignore my boys when they fight, someone will get killed." I asked, "Are you there to stop all their fights?" She responded, "Well, I don't suppose so." I then asked, "To date how many of your sons have been killed at the hands of each other?" She got the point. In fact, in studying her sons' fighting behavior, we found that the more she got involved in stopping them, the harder they fought, each one determined to get in the last lick. Unwittingly, she was either an audience, a participant, or both. When she got out of the way, things really calmed down. They become tolerable.

I understand perfectly, with society being in the mess it's in, that parents would feel anxious about the behavior of their children. The violence on television, on the streets, and in the schools is so overwhelming that it's no wonder parents want to eliminate anything in the home that even remotely resembles violence. But we must be careful to not overreact and feel compelled to turn our children into quiet, demure, compliant, obedient little robots. Imagine how weird it would be if, as your children returned home from school, they greeted one another with saccharin sweetness:

A 14-year-old to his 12-year-old sister:

Now, if your kids talked to one another like that, you would have reason to be concerned!

Sibling rivalry is not violence. It's jousting. It's a way kids find out about other human beings and what the limits of tolerance are. If, on the other hand, the rivalry becomes cruel and abusive, that is, when name calling becomes very personal, when children's characters are being maligned, and when the verbal attacks become vicious, they can no longer be ignored. For example, for a brother to call another brother a scumball is one thing, but for him to deride his brother for getting a failing grade in a class at school, and then in that context call him stupid, a "retard," or some other demeaning name is a sign that the conversation has degenerated to the point where it is no longer simple sibling rivalry, it has become an offense to one's character and image of self. At this point it has exceeded the limits of tolerance. Though one is well advised to just walk away from relatively inconsequential sibling rivalry, parents should not allow mean, vicious personal attacks to go unattended. When attending to this type of rivalry, this basic rule should apply. Here is where we introduce rule number two.

Rivalry  ::   Rule 1  ::   Rule 2  ::   Rule 3  ::   Rule 4  ::   Rule 5  ::   Review

Rule 2: Remain Calm and Composed But Direct When You Must Intervene

Parents should remain calm and fully composed. Voices should not be raised. It is at this point the parents should show complete self-control, and demonstrate proactively that they know exactly what to do, that they have the necessary skills to bring order into the home. When attending to rivalry, always remember to begin with what is easiest to do. For example, simply saying to the child, "No, you may not say those things to your brother!" might be sufficient. On the other hand, if the offense is serious enough, or is repeated, it might be necessary to also remind the child that because of such inappropriate behavior, he has denied himself desirable privileges. Consider this scenario:

A boy has leveled a personal and cutting remark at his sister. She is obviously hurt, has taken it seriously, and understandably so! The mother intervenes and in a stern though firm and controlled voice calls the boy by name while looking him in the eye and says, "George, no! You must never say those kinds of things to your sister or anyone. I will not remind you of that again. Should it happen again, there will be serious consequences. I do not care to discuss this matter further!"

The boy will very likely come back with something like, "Well, she started it!" Do not allow yourself to become a referee or judge of who is right or who is wrong or who is to blame. The point is that no matter who started it, and no matter who's fault it is, that kind of name calling is not allowed. Also, do not accept second-hand information as being true or false. Simply accept it as information. It may very well be true that the boy was provoked by his sister; however, no provocation justifies a cruel response. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into an argument or discussion over what is fair. In this instance, what's fair is beside the point. The point is, regardless of anything else, that language is not allowed in the home. Period!

Let's further suppose the mother observed the whole affair first hand, and sure enough, the daughter did do something inappropriate which provoked the attack by the boy. Should this be the case, the mother would say, calling the children by name, "George, Diane, stop right now. No more of that. I will not remind you again. If you persist, you will experience serious consequences." Do not use language such as, "Either you stop right now or you're in deep trouble!" The word "either" suggests you are giving them a choice. You are not giving them a choice. In these instances they have no choice. There are no alternatives to stopping. However, if they choose to ignore you and persist, then let the consequences fall. Therapeutically, these kinds of encounters are typically well taken care of using the intervention strategies detailed in Chapter 3, Applying Behavioral Principles in the Home and Family.

Rivalry  ::   Rule 1  ::   Rule 2  ::   Rule 3  ::   Rule 4  ::   Rule 5  ::   Review

Rule 3: Teach Appropriate Social Skills

Sibling rivalry is an uncivilized way of expressing one's self, uncivilized meaning uneducated, unrefined, and without proper social skills. When children are engaged in rivalry, it tells the parents, "This is the time to teach my children proper social skills." It isn't the time to wallow in despair and disgust, nor to retaliate with outlandish forms of punishment and discipline. That is reactive. Rather, it is a time to teach. So far as I know, there is no better approach to teaching children social skills than to use the University of Kansas Achievement Place model called the "Teaching Interaction Strategy," also known as the "Corrective Teaching Procedure," discussed in Chapter 3. The use of this strategy is also nicely illustrated and dramatized on videotapes produced by Boys Town.¹

Remember, stopping inappropriate behavior is not enough. If behavior is only stopped, it will surely reoccur again and again, usually getting worse along the way. Teaching appropriate behavior then reinforcing that appropriate behavior (as is discussed below in skill #5) is the only way of making sure that inappropriate behavior is gone forever. (Remember: stop, redirect, reinforce.)

Rivalry  ::   Rule 1  ::   Rule 2  ::   Rule 3  ::   Rule 4  ::   Rule 5  ::   Review

Rule 4: Apply Consequences

As I've emphasized before, consequences must be well understood in advance. There should be no question in the children's minds that you mean business, and that the consequences that fall are substantial and immediate.

Let's assume that one or both of the children persist in behaving badly. If the children are young and can be physically separated, do that, requiring that they go to their rooms or in some way be separated. While doing that, you must remember that there's a price one pays for persisting in intolerable sibling rivalry. That price would involve being denied something that is very important such as the privilege of riding the bicycle, going to a friend's house, watching television, going to a Saturday movie, using the car, or whatever.

If the children are older and can not be physically separated, remind them again, very directly, that persisting in the behavior carries with it serious consequences. For most children, this would be sufficient. You will be surprised at just how effective such consequences are when the children know in advance what they are, and when they are delivered appropriately. With older children, attempts to physically restrain them are typically counterproductive. If they won't respond to being told, nor to the loss of valuable and desirable privileges, trying to physically force your point could be disastrous. If this is the case, it is better to just leave the situation, to drop it. Advise others to do the same, then let the consequences fall as predetermined. If the two insist on staying there and fighting it out, let them fight it out, but not in your presence. If the one who is being abused is willing to put up with that abuse, that's his or her decision. The point is, they are not going to do it in your presence. It becomes their issue, not yours. Don't stay there and fight it out with them or be their audience. This simply makes things worse. Later, when the kids want valuable privileges, they are simply not available. For example, let's suppose that during the rivalry the son was advised that serious consequences would follow, including the loss of using the car. Later on, after the whole affair is over, when everyone is cooled down, the boy comes to you for the keys to the car, or permission to use the car. It's then that you say, "I'm sorry you chose to disobey me earlier. As we discussed then, when you behave that way, you deny yourself your driving privileges for 24 hours. Assuming that in the meantime you control your behavior, the car will be available to you in 24 hours," or words and conditions to that effect.

The point is, you are never going to be successful trying to resolve an issue where anger is out of control. You are best advised to just walk away and let the consequences do your talking. You will never shout your way to a solution in these situations. You will only make things worse. Remember, if what you are inclined to say or do is not likely to make things better, don't say it and don't do it!

Never remind the children they shouldn't "do that," nor ask them why they are doing it. Never say, "I have told you kids a hundred times that you're not supposed to argue and fight like that! You're driving me crazy! Now stop it, and stop it right now!" or "Why are you kids fighting again? How many times am I going to have to go over this with you?! Haven't I told you time and time again that you are not supposed to fight like that?! If you don't stop it right now I am going to ground you for life!" The problems associated with this approach are numerous. The children don't need to be reminded of your expectations, or what behavior is desired. They know that as well as you do. They know they are behaving badly. All of this verbal garbage does nothing but give attention to the very behavior you want to get rid of. It only makes matters worse. Just bite your lip, say not one word more than you have to say to put things in order, and let the consequences do your talking.

Rivalry  ::   Rule 1  ::   Rule 2  ::   Rule 3  ::   Rule 4  ::   Rule 5  ::   Review

Rule 5: Acknowledging Appropriate Behavior

While your children are behaving nicely toward one another, pay attention to them by saying things like, "It sure makes me happy to see you kids having so much fun together." Keep it short, keep it simple, and keep it coming. The pay-off is simply overwhelming. The single best way to bring sibling rivalry into tolerable limits is to pay attention to children when they are not engaged in sibling rivalry, when they are behaving appropriately towards one another. When they are not engaged in sibling rivalry, a mood is created in the home that should be there all the time, a mood that tells the children this is how we get our parent's attention. We know that most children value their parents' attention above almost anything else; therefore, maintain in the home a high general level of reinforcement.

In ending this chapter, I remind you again that sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up. How you as a parent deal with it is the real key to success and to family harmony. In that regard, and in addition to what I've already suggested to deal effectively with sibling rivalry, I pass on to you the advice of Dr. John Rosemond, a prominent family therapist. He and his wife instructed their children that they could argue and bicker but they had to follow three rules. These are really quite wonderful and I enthusiastically commend them to you:

1. There will be no hurting, meaning no hitting, punching, kicking, throwing things at each other, and so on.
2. Their conflicts must not disturb the parents. ("In other words, keep it down.")
3. No tattling is allowed. The parents did not want to hear their complaints about each other.

Rivalry  ::   Rule 1  ::   Rule 2  ::   Rule 3  ::   Rule 4  ::   Rule 5  ::   Review

Now To Review

The following five rules of parenting will serve parents well in dealing with sibling rivalry:

1. Ignore Inconsequential Behavior.
   Most sibling rivalry is age-typical behavior, most of which can and should be ignored. If left alone, it will likely just go away in time. It's something we all grew out of-or at least most of us!
2. Remain Calm and Composed but Direct When You Must Intervene.
   Sibling rivalry must be attended to only when it becomes cruel, abusive, and threatening to a child's normal, healthy development.
3. Teach Appropriate Social Skills.
   When attending to sibling rivalry, be certain that you maintain complete self-control, and that you use consequences that are important to the children to help bring behavior under control. It is up to you to manage those consequences and let them do the talking for you.
4. Apply Consequences.
   If what you are inclined to say and do is not likely to make things better, don't say it and don't do it. If you feel uncertain about what to do, if you feel unable to deal with the situation calmly and reasonably, if your ability to be in control is compromised, then just walk away. We know that when people are extremely angry, emotionally upset, drunk, stoned, or so on, it is very unlikely that a parent will be able to have a positive effect on things. It is better to wait for things to cool down and to let consequences do the talking.
5. Acknowledge Appropriate Behavior.
   Be constantly on the lookout for opportunities to have positive interactions with your children when they are behaving together nicely. If you have a tendency to allow these opportunities to get away from you, you might want to keep a record or put little prompts up around the house to remind you to say nice things to your children. These help us measure and pace our behavior. When our children were young and at home and we noticed an increase in sibling rivalry, I'd take data for a few days, sometimes up to a week, and keep track of how often it occurred, between whom, and under what conditions. Invariably, we would be able to see the relationships between the behavior and events in the environment that would explain what was going on. These data also gave us direction to what needed to be done to make things better. A copy of such a record is found as Table 20.1, below.

My wife and I discussed this record, and beginning the next day, we began making a conscious effort to praise the children when they were happy, playing nicely together, helping out around the house, and so on. We also consciously ignored inconsequential rivalries, and applied consequences as our spokesperson. Though I didn't keep a record of behavior for the following week, conditions in the home improved dramatically. In fact, as a result of this experience I devised a TV control program that had a marvelous effect on lowering the frequency of TV viewing and related sibling rivalry, and increasing the frequency of book reading. The program is described in Chapter 22, Managing TV Viewing.

¹These are reasonably priced and available by writing Boys Town, Public Service Division, Boys Town, NE 68010.