Refusing to Do As Told

Refusing  ::   Review

"If a child was meant to obey, then who invented the term 'in a minute I will'?"
- Art Reid

The refusal of children to do what they are told is another of the most common complaints I hear from parents. The complaint usually goes something like this: "This kid doesn't do a thing I say, and it's driving me crazy! I've tried everything, and nothing works." Though parents typically feel helpless to get their children to do as they are told, the problem is usually quite easy to solve when we keep two important points in mind.

First, we must remember that children don't see the world the same way we do as parents. The things that concern us are seldom of much concern to them. They don't see the urgency in things as we do. We must remember that all situations are not equally demanding. For example, in the morning when children are getting ready for school and the school bus is going to be there in a few minutes, there is little room for wasting time. On the other hand, if it's Saturday morning and a child is supposed to clean his bedroom, it may not make any difference whether the job is done by nine o'clock or ten o'clock or even by noon. One of the keys to getting children to do as they are told is to be sure they know exactly what is expected of them, including when the task is to be done and how well it is to be done. If a child is doing his homework, there may be no option to high quality performance; that is, the entire assignment has to be done, and its quality must be checked by the parents before the assignment is considered completed. On the other hand, cleaning one's bedroom might be acceptable if the bed is made, the clothes are hung up, and a general sense of order has been established. That sense of order, of course, would vary depending upon the judgment of the parents. Be careful to not impose strict, unrealistically adult standards on children's performance.

In any case, the time frame and standard of quality need to be reasonable with the needs and maturity of the child in mind. Here again, let's not impose unrealistic conditions on children for our own convenience. Our role as parents is to raise children so their general well being is of first importance, not ours as parents. When parents tell me their children are "Driving me crazy!" it is altogether likely that the parents' behavior is having the same effect on their kids. But it doesn't have to be one way or the other. Neither has to drive the other crazy. Parents and children can happily coexist.

Now let's look at how we can communicate our expectations to our children. We can never expect children to do as they are told unless they know exactly what is expected of them.

Children generally understand that compliance is necessary. It is a simple matter of fact that in life there are times when we have to do what we are told and that our performance must meet certain standards of quality. That applies to behavior at home as well as behavior in school and society, among friends, and so on. The second point is that the consequences for complying or not complying will be immediate. Administering these consequences, both positive and negative, must be given immediately, fairly, and in a manner that is consistent with the behavior.

Let's assume that a child has a chore that is to be done routinely each night after school. Typically, however, the child comes home and dawdles around doing nothing about the chores. Also, typically, the parent begins badgering the child to get the chore done:

"Mary, get with it! I've told you a dozen times to get that chore done. I don't know why we have to go through this every single day! Now, when are you going to get busy?!"

The child says something like,

"I'll get it done just as soon as this television show is over. I'll get it done! Don't worry about it!"

Of course, this is nothing but a delay tactic that is generally followed by the parent badgering the kid even more. Then if the child does eventually get the chore done, and it is done to the parent's standard, either nothing is said or the parent says something like,

"Well, it's about time you got it done. I hope we don't have to go through this again tomorrow!"

It's easy to understand what is happening and why the youngster isn't doing the chore: if she doesn't get it done, she gets an immense amount of attention; if she does get it done, she's ignored; or scolded for yet-to-be-committed offenses. In either event, doing what she is supposed to do isn't a very pleasant experience. And if a child does it, but not to standard, then the situation becomes even more negative with a parent saying something like:

"You call that done? I could have done better with my eyes closed! Now get back there and do it right! Right now!"

A better approach is to make certain the child knows exactly what is expected in terms of when it is to be done and how well it is to be done. The child also needs to understand the consequences that follow compliance or noncompliances. For example, consider this:

Then have the girl repeat back to you what you expect of her, clarifying any items that may not be clearly understood. Since behavior is set into motion by something (some kind of a cue or prompt), put the note and the plastic garbage bag where the girl is certain to see them when she gets home. With this you might attach a note that says something like,

"I'm glad you're home safe and sound and hope you had a good day in school. I appreciate your getting your chore and homework done as we discussed this morning."

If you are home, and see the girl performing appropriately, give her a pat or hug, and use words that express your appreciation and approval:

"You're a busy gal, Honey. I really appreciate your being such a help."

When she completes the tasks as expected and comes to you with the completed list, make certain to acknowledge her success in some reinforcing way. It may be just sitting down with the girl and talking about her day at school. At the very least, the child should be pleasantly and sincerely thanked.

If both parents work and are not home when the girl gets home or when she completes the task, make certain her work is acknowledged just as soon as you get home. If possible it would be great to have the girl call you at work and share her success.

Let's assume the parent is home when the child arrives but she does not get immediately to work, even though she knows exactly what is expected of her and has seen the note and the other cues that have been provided. Don't say word one to the child! Do not track her down and try to force her to get busy. Rather, just leave the tasks undone, and let the consequences do the talking for you. The world will not come to the end if in that particular instance the garbage doesn't get taken out or the homework doesn't get done. On the other hand, if the garbage is going to be picked up the next morning and it needs to be taken out that night, go ahead and do it yourself. Say nothing. But when the child wants to watch television, or do other highly desirable things, those privileges are not available; they have not been earned as a result of a failure to comply. Of course, these consequences have all been made known to the child well in advance. (See Chapter 5, A Word About Consequences.) For example, during the time the instructions were given that morning, the parent might say,

"And Mary, when your chores and homework are all done you may watch television. However, if they are not done, you will not have earned that privilege. What can you expect if you do or don't do your chore?"

If you are home and have observed that your expectations have not been met, but the child starts watching TV, you should simply and unemotionally turn off the TV and say something like this,

"Once you have completed your chores and your homework you may watch television. Until then, you may not because you have not earned that privilege."

It is altogether likely that the child will argue with you and try to take you off track. She will very likely call you "unreasonable," or use words like that. She might even attack the necessity of doing the chore or homework calling it a "stupid" thing that doesn't make any sense at all. She might even attack your judgment and perhaps even attack your attitude toward her by saying something like,

"You don't trust me. You don't ever believe that I'll get my work done. You just lead me around by the nose and don't give me any trust at all," and so on.

If this is the case, do not, and I repeat DO NOT, get drawn into that argument. Do not come to your defense with words like,

"Oh, Mary, I do too trust you. How can you say a thing like that? You know very well that we trust you!"

Also, avoid saying,

"It is not stupid. After all, I'm just doing it for your own good. What do you want to do? Do you want to grow up and be an irresponsible girl who hasn't learned to read or write or to make a contribution to her home. Everybody in this home has to assume some responsibility and since you live here you have to assume your share of that responsibility!"

This puts you squarely where the kid wants you, gives her a ton of attention for behaving inappropriately, and all the while nothing is getting done. So just avoid saying things like that. It is junk language. It gets you nowhere and it invariably makes things worse. Rather respond like this:

"I can tell you're upset Mary. I'm sorry you didn't get your work done as you were told. Hopefully, tomorrow you will get your chores/ homework done so you can enjoy these privileges."

Then leave it at that. If the child objects, remind her that you're not going to discuss the matter any further, then turn your attention to other things (ignore with a purpose, a plan).

Let's assume now that the child has yet to get her work done but still has an hour before time is up. It is altogether possible that sufficient time does remain for her to get her work done and to get it done in a quality way. If so, and she does get done, and to standard, give her your positive attention. However, if enough time doesn't remain to get the work done, and the child gets it only partially done, or done but not well enough, then all the consequences must apply. The child must learn that shoddy and half-finished work are not acceptable. It is possible after the child has made a last ditch attempt to get the job done but has failed and is denied the desired privileges, she will moan, groan, and cry about how unreasonable you are, how you don't love her, and what a rotten place home is. She might pull out all of the stops! Actually, that's a good sign! It tells you you really have a grip on those things that are important to her. If she doesn't complain, doesn't protest, doesn't get the work done, and doesn't seem to care about being denied television or whatever, it could very well be a message to you that you are not using the best consequences, that you might have to dig deeper in search of things that are highly valued by her that you manage and which in turn will manage her behavior. If the child does complain and protest, use the approach that was discussed earlier where you show a great deal of empathy and understanding, but you stand your ground. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Here's an experience I had recently with a mother of an 11-year-old boy. The complaint was that the boy would simply not do a single thing he was told to do. "It's driving me crazy," the mother told me. "I simply do not know what is going to become of this boy if he doesn't learn some responsibility. I've tried everything and nothing works!" As we discussed what "everything" was, it fell generally into the area of badgering, coercion, persuading, begging, reasoning, and all of the other ineffective things parents do to get their kids to do as told. I asked the mother to list things of value to the child that were under her control, things that the boy simply craved.

To begin with, she couldn't think of anything. Television was no big deal. Riding his bicycle was fun but he could do without that. Using the telephone was not important at all. She had taken away his radio, and that didn't seem to make any difference. And on and on. Finally, she remembered how the boy insisted that he have his Teddy Bear with him when he went to bed at night, and without it he didn't sleep well at all. Nights were miserable to him without his Teddy Bear. In the same breath, however, she reminded me that she just couldn't possibly keep that Teddy Bear from the boy. It was just too important to him! I agreed but reminded her that she wasn't going to keep the Teddy Bear from the boy; rather, he was going to keep the Teddy Bear from himself through failure to do as told. This new twist caught the mother's attention and we finally hit upon the following idea.

I had the mother prepare five strips of paper, each one containing her own signature. (This was to prevent counterfeiting.) The mother then explained to the boy that whenever he did what he was told to do he would get a slip of paper to put in a jar that was located on the kitchen counter. Once all five slips had been put into the jar, the boy would have earned the right to take his Teddy Bear to bed with him. To emphasize and clarify this, they role played the situation to show the child exactly how the system worked and what the positive and negative consequences were. Not only did this work, but when it came bed time, if the child didn't have five slips of paper in the jar because the parents hadn't assigned him enough things to do, he came to the mother begging for something to do. This one simple strategy was all that it took. The problem of noncompliance ended. After a few weeks, the use of the slips of paper in ajar was replaced by thanks and hugs. Doing as he was told became its own reinforcer.

Refusing  ::   Review

Now To Review

Typically, solutions to problems that appear to be insurmountable are simple, easy to administer, and extremely effective. The key is to make certain the child knows precisely what is expected, the time frame within which expectations are to be met, the level of quality, and the consequences for compliance and noncompliance. Remember, let the consequences do the talking for you.

1. Be absolutely precise in what is expected of the child, including the time by which the task is to be completed, and the quality at which it is to be done. Use cues as reminders of your expectations. Role play your expectations.
2. Be certain the consequences for obeying and not obeying are completely understood, then let those consequences do your talking. Role play the consequences.
3. Don't allow children to pull you into arguments over the logic or sense of what you expect them to do. Simply restate your expectations and leave it at that. With empathy and understanding, use the broken record strategy.
4. Remain calm and in complete control when children have not completed their tasks. Your mood will have an immense impact on the child's behavior. Your being calm will instill in the child a sense of security, a sense of strength, a sense of stability. You will soon become an object of the child's admiration. Kids love it when their parents are composed and in control.
   I remember a time when one of my daughters when asked by a boy, "Is your father big?" she answered, "Well, he doesn't look big, but he is." That's the kind of image children will have of their parents when the parents behave big, when their behavior is bigger than that of the children.
5. Always be on the lookout for opportunities to let your children know how much you appreciate what they do, and how able and valued they are!!!!!