Questioning Children About Their Behavior

Intro  ::   Review

I am forever amazed at how much family discord and hostile parent-child interactions are caused by the improper use of questioning. When one carefully analyzes how questioning is used, it's no wonder problems arise. Consider this example:

Mary comes home from school an hour and a half late.

Now, let's analyze this encounter. First of all, the parent answered his/her own question. This was immediately followed by another question which was not a question at all in the sense that an answer was expected. It was, rather, an assault on Mary's choice of friends. Mary's response, not an answer, as you would expect, wasn't even remotely related to either question. She had friends to protect, and that was certainly a lot more important than providing a hostile, accusing parent with information. It was down hill from there! But let's suppose Mary did answer the question:

Let's analyze this encounter. The girl answered the question and it got her into more trouble than in the first instance because now she's a liar as well!

I could go on with any number of examples to make the point-which is, unless you really need information for problem solving (as I'll explain in a bit), don't question children about their behavior. There are two main reasons for this. First, you don't want an answer-and even if you get one, it doesn't improve things; behavior doesn't get any better. Here's an example. One child hits another child:

Mary comes home from school an hour and a half late.

Though this example uses an absurd response from the child, and a subsequently absurd response from the parent ("I just wanted to know"), these are no more absurd than the questions being asked. In the first place, the questions were not asked to get information from the child. They were simply words the parent used to blow off steam, a desperate attempt to get the child to "shape up"! Nothing the child would have said would have been acceptable. For example:

This is a more likely answer. Not absurd at all. But does it set the stage for problem solving? No. What typically happens is that the discussion-by now an argument-is off on a tangent and things will only get worse:

I hope by now you can see what's happening. It's a lose-lose situation no matter how you cut it. If the child answers the question, absurdly or otherwise, he's in trouble because the parent was never looking for an answer in the first place. That's the first reason you never ask a child to explain his inappropriate behavior.

The second reason is that by asking questions about the behavior, the child is getting lots and lots of attention for that behavior and the probability is very high that the attention will strengthen the very behavior being questioned; hence, the probability increases that it will reoccur. The principle to be kept in mind is this: behavior is strengthened by attention, and behavior that is strengthened is behavior that will more probably reoccur. In the examples I've used, the parents have strengthened the very behaviors they want to get rid of.

Never question children about their behavior unless (a) you are seriously in need of information, and (b) that information will help in problem solving. Always remember these! When our three oldest children were very young, our oldest son, standing tip-toe on a stool and using a long stick, managed to open a medicine cabinet where he and his younger sister found a bottle of baby aspirin. Thinking it was candy, they ate heartily, the youngest sister eating the most. The questions we asked the kids were intended to get information to help us solve a problem: "How full was the bottle when you started eating the aspirin? How much did each of you eat? When did you start eating it?" The answers convinced us that the children should be taken to the hospital emergency room and have their stomachs pumped. Which we did. No scolding, berating, or angry outbursts. And by the way, the natural consequences of their behavior-that is, having their stomachs pumped-did the talking for us relative to the dangers of eating aspirin, or feeding out of the medicine cabinet. (Have you ever had your stomach pumped? UGH!)

Rather than asking children to explain their inappropriate behavior, be directive, calm, and simply state your expectations. Following are some examples of questions you should avoid, accompanied by a better, proactive, verbal response to behavior.

Avoid asking questions if you expect the answer to:

1. Be one you don't want to hear:
   "Are you going to school today?"
   Rather, assume that he/she is going to school and be directive: "It's time to get ready for school."
2.  Alienate you from others: "Why don't you get your hair cut?"
   Rather, use contingencies to do your nagging:
   "You bet you can use the car Saturday, Son. Just as soon as you get your hair cut."
3. Provide no answer: "How many times have I told you to hang up your clothes?"
   Rather, either ignore it, and wait until it's done, then acknowledge it, or let contingencies do your nagging: "Your allowance is ready once your clothes are hung up/room cleaned."
4. Prompt the child to lie: "Did you steal that money from my dresser?"
   Rather, say nothing until you have proof, then administer the pre-understood consequences. In the meantime, keep your money as secure as possible.
5. Be obvious: "Have you been smoking again?" Rather, give empathy:
   "I'm really sorry you have chosen to smoke. When you decide to quit, I'll be happy to help in any way I can." In the meantime, the natural and logical consequences of smoking must/will be felt.
   Natural consequences: Coughing, bad smell, damage to the body. Social consequences: No car privileges, allowance, etc.
6. Arouse personal animosities: "Why do you associate with such crummy people?"
   Rather, keep your mouth shut unless and until you can say something good.
7. Lead to further conflict: "Aren't you just about the biggest mess imaginable?"

Rather, wait for a positive characteristic to surface, then "pay that off." A final note about questioning. Do not ask a child a question if you already know the answer: Alice has failed to get her homework done because she dawdled her time away watching TV.

In light of what you've read, why is this useless and how can it even make a bad situation worse? Here's a better way:

If you wonder how to get a child to respond appropriately to your directions, read Chapter 5, "A Word About Consequences."

Intro  ::   Review

NOW TO REVIEW

Never question children about their inappropriate behaviors unless you need information to aid in problem solving. When, out of anger and frustration, parents question their children, several negative results commonly occur, including:

1. The asking of more useless questions. Since, at times like these, parents really don't expect an answer, if an answer is given it is rejected, only to be followed by another dumb question. Eventually emotions get out of control and things get progressively worse.
2. The strengthening of inappropriate behavior. Since questioning children about their behavior is a form of parental attention, that attention tends to strengthen the very behavior that is a problem; hence, that behavior is more likely to reoccur.
3. The encouragement to lie. It is not at all unusual for children (or adults) to lie when questioned about things that could reflect badly on them.