Proactive Responding to Reactive Adolescent Behavior

"Trying to convince a teenager that what she/he did is wrong is like giving a fish a bath. "
Anonymous

In an effort to wrest control from their parents, adolescents frequently resort to reactive behaviors which can leave parents in a quandary as to how to respond. Reactive behaviors are defined here as selfish, argumentative, out-of-sorts things kids do to get their way. Typically, in such situations, the parents become as reactive as the children, and before long the situation degenerates into a shouting match and the drawing of battle lines, with any hope for reasonable problem solving being dashed completely.

In this chapter, I have recreated four typical reaction-prone situations, and have suggested ways of responding which are proactive; that is, the parents are in complete control of their own emotions, empathetic, understanding, are directing behavior towards the solution of the problem, and the reasonable consequences for behavior are appropriately articulated and applied.

Each of these examples follows a common format in which:

1. the challenging, reactive behavior of the adolescent is stated,
2. a proactive response of the parent is given, and
3. possible outcomes and follow-up actions are proposed.

Situation 1:

A 15 year old refuses to comply with a parent's directions, and is going to "do it" anyway.

1. The Challenge
   "I'm going to do it and you can't stop me!"
2. Proactive Response
   

   "You are right. I can't stop you. But before you do it, you might want to count the cost. What do you stand to lose or gain?" (Discuss here what the person has to gain or lose as a result of "doing it." You might even write them down in "pro" and "con" columns on a large piece of paper.)

   "Now, go to your room and think it over. Come back in half an hour and let's talk about it." (In situations like this, it's important to use time to your advantage. Time allows emotions to calm down and reason to influence decision making. It gives the individual time to think over the consequences in a more in-control setting.)

3. Possible Results and Follow-Up Action
   

   (1) He/she decides against "it," and drops the idea. You say, "Thanks, that's super. I'm proud of you."

   (2) He/she decides to work for a compromise. Work it out, remembering to respect parental expectations that give direction to the behavior in the home.

   (3) He/she decides to go with the original course of action to "do it." In such a situation, let the consequences fall where they may. Here again, it is important that the consequences, both positive and negative, be spelled out well in advance so the individual knows exactly what he/she is getting into. Before laying out the consequences, be sure to have thought them through carefully. Do not impose consequences that will not/can not be enforced. Be reasonable and rational! For example, to tell a child that he/she "will never be allowed home again as long as I live!" makes no sense at all. Avoid this kind of extremism. (Read Chapter 5, "A Word about Consequences.")

Situation 2:

A 16-year-old decides to leave home.

1. The Challenge
   "I'm out of here" or "I'm going to get a place of my own. I can't stand living here in this rotten hole any longer!"
2. Proactive Response
   "I'm sorry that living here causes you to be so upset." "But before you do that, let's talk over some of the details. If you're going to leave home and go on your own, there are some things you need to know to survive in the real world, and I don't want you to get hurt." (Spell them out: economics, logistics, etc. Write them down on a chalkboard or large piece of paper as is illustrated in point 3, below.)
3. Possible Results and Follow-up Action
   (1) Decides not to leave. You say, "I'm glad you decided to stay. I like having you at home (which might not be entirely true!). Let's sit down together and work things out so that living at home is more enjoyable."

   (2) He/she decides to think things over and not make any rash decisions. This will likely have a moderating effect on behavior. Be sure you take every opportunity to acknowledge behaviors that are appropriate, and to have many, many positive and mature interactions. There will be times when you will be disappointed, want to scream, tear your hair, and even kick the kid out. Don't! Be proactive. Avoid traps like lecturing, moralizing, preaching, pleading, arguing, reasoning, or threatening. Endure and bond. In the long run, this will produce the better results.

   The "long run" might be a few years. That's okay. A few years of discomfort followed by a lifetime of success, happiness, and togetherness for all is many times better than rash and seemingly expedient reactions that find the child out of the home unable to deal successfully with the complexities of adulthood; a circumstance that results in long-term miseries and expenses for parents and children brought on by unemployment, problems with the law, poor health, unaffordable dependents, and the list goes on.

   Remember this: The longer you keep an adolescent home (assuming you are maintaining a proactive, instructive, positive environment) the better able the child will be to succeed as an adult, and the more independence you'll ultimately enjoy!

   (3) Decides to leave. Say, "I wish you well. Please keep in touch. We are concerned about how you are doing." Remind him/her that leaving is done at one's own expense. The natural consequences of behavior must not be mitigated by misplaced parental empathy or mercy. In this regard, it would be appropriate to visit with the child about the economic consequences of living on one's own, away from home. When doing this, use a large sheet of paper or chalk board on which to itemize those costs:

   • Rent
   • Food
   • Car Payment
   • Car Maintenance
   • Gasoline
   • Clothing
   • Utilities
   • etc.

   When doing this, don't do it in a "See-what-you're-getting-into-kid" tone. Let it be a learning opportunity. Let it be a chance for you to help the child move successfully into adulthood.

Situation 3:

A teenager is out of control.

1. The Challenge
   The child launches into a terrible tirade: screams, hollers, is abusive, starts throwing things, hitting, and so on.
2. Proactive Response
   "In a voice that is calm but firm, and loud enough to be heard, raise your hand in a non threatening STOP position, look the child squarely in the eye, and say, "Stop that now! Look at me. Thank you for looking at me. Put your hands to your sides. Thank you for putting your hands down to your sides." When control has been achieved, move directly into a teaching interaction procedure as found in Chapter 3, pages 67-68, as follows:
   1. "Son, I'm sorry you're upset.
   2. You said some profane and abusive things to your sister.
   3. Though you are angry, you must never say things like that. Rather, when you are angry and feel like saying such things, go to your room, cool down, and when you feel better, come see me.
   4. When you control yourself and behave that way, you gain maturity and we are all a lot happier.
   5. Now, what do I expect you to do when you are inclined to get angry? Show me what you are going to do instead of being abusive.
   6. Right. Good job. You're going to go cool down first, then come to see me."
   7. If you think the behavior will likely reoccur anyway, I would continue with a statement of consequences:

   8. "Son, when you control yourself as you have just demonstrated, you'll continue to enjoy the many privileges you have around here. What are some of those?" (Let the boy enumerate them, and write them down on a piece of paper.)

      "Super. Those are really neat things to be able to do. If you should lose control of your behavior and say things you shouldn't say, what privileges will you deny yourself? Correct, you'll deny yourself these things written here."

   Privileges are not given or taken, they are earned or not earned.

   Of course, you must prepare in advance for such a moment as this by having the consequences of behavior clearly articulated. Make certain that all of the consequences of such behavior are clearly understood in advance, by everyone. For example, when you make such a declarative statement as the one suggested above, and the word "consequences" is used, the child knows exactly what you have in mind. Thoughts of the loss of such valuable privileges as use of the car, use of the telephone, access to one's room and wardrobe, and so on will come to the child's mind. Hopefully, there will have been previous experiences which will have already taught the child that, indeed, behavior does carry with it some heavy consequences. If these conditions exist, then it will be the thought of the loss of these many desirable privileges which will have the greatest impact on the child's behavior.

3. Possible Results and Follow-Up Actions

   (1) He/she stops. You say, "Let's talk it over. I can see you are terribly upset. Go to your room (or some quiet, solitary place) and think this matter over. Let's get back together in half an hour or so and talk about it when we are both more calm and rational."

   (2) He/she continues to scream and holler though not engaged in any destructive behavior. Simply walk away. Before doing so, say in a firm voice, "I refuse to be in your company when you behave this way. I'm leaving now. When you are calm and rational we can discuss this matter together. In the meantime, you have denied yourself many privileges." Do not allow yourself to vent your frustration on the child by going overboard and "throwing the book" at him, i.e., embellishing the consequences, or making up new ones even you can't follow-up on. For example, "You're grounded for a whole month!"

   (3) He/she continues to rant and rave, but is also destructive. Use physical constraint only if in doing so you are not in danger, or if you need to protect yourself. If there is any chance the child can get the better of you, and perhaps injure you and/or damage property, do not use physical restraint. Rather, call someone to give you help-a family member, a neighbor/friend, the police. If you are in physical danger, leave the premises and go to a safe place to make your call.

   If such a distasteful episode should occur, you must maintain your composure, but have the consequences of such behavior well in mind then allow those consequences to come into play to an extent consistent with the offense.

   No system or set of responses will work if the scenario has not been well thought out and a proactive response anticipated well in advance. For this reason, I urge parents to put down in writing a description of the behaviors they anticipate will happen, script a proactive response, then practice that response with a spouse, another family member, or a trusted friend. Table 7.1 is an illustration of how this can be done. I emphasize practicing proactive responding. Without practice, there is little to no chance that one will be able to respond appropriately at a moment of crisis. Correct, proactive responding must be practiced well in advance of the onset of the anticipated problem behavior.

   Table 7.1 - Anticipating Behaviors and Responding Proactively

   ANTICIPATED PROBLEM BEHAVIORS	MY PROACTIVE RESPONSE
   "Mom, I hate you! You're the worst mother in the world!"	"I'm sorry you feel that way, dear."
   "No one likes me. I don't have any friends."	"Golly, that's no fun. Would you like to talk about it?"
   "Dad, how come I can't have nice things like the other kids at school?"	"It is easy to feel deprived, Honey. Do you have any suggestions about how to improve things?"
   "Yeah! Just buy me more clothes!"	"That would be nice."
   "Well! You asked for my suggestions! Is that all I get?	"Since I can't just buy you all the clothes you want, think of some things you can do, as well, to help improve things.
   You can too buy me more clothes. "You just won't do it because you don't care how I look!"	"Can you think of some things you can do to help improve things?"
   "Dad! I don't have any money. You know that!"	"Give this matter some thought, Honey, and I will too. Let's share our ideas tomorrow."
   And so on...

Situation 4:

A near-adult exerts his/her "maturity."

1. The Challenge

   Your son/daughter says, "Next year I'll turn 18 and then you can't tell me what to do anymore. I'll do just as I please because I'll be an adult."

2. Proactive Response

   Note: This response, though very direct, must be said in a calm voice without any hint that you are glad to see the day he/she leaves. Speak as one mature adult to another, with empathy and concern for his/her welfare. Practice before you say it!

   "That is true, you will be 18 and you will be considered an adult under the law; however, as long as you eat at my table and sleep in the bed that I freely provide, and use the facilities of this house, your agency is somewhat limited. All of the privileges I have mentioned, and many others, are yours so long as your behavior at home is consistent with our expectations. If you do not care to behave accordingly, then, since you are an adult under the law, you are free to leave and behave as you wish in whatever environment you care to create.

   "Remember, one's agency is not only a gift, it is a great responsibility. When the day comes that you are able to fully exercise that responsibility in your own home and at your own expense, then your agency is all yours. You'll then have the demands of society to answer to. In the meantime, we expect you to live in accordance with the values of the home which include being pleasant to live with and being a contributing member of the family. I'll be happy to visit with you about this if you have any questions. Think it over for awhile then let's get back together."

3. Possible Results and Follow-up Actions.
   

   (1) He/she thinks it over and decides to talk to you about it. During this visit, make certain the child knows he/she is of worth to you, and you want home to be a happy place for everyone. Discuss your expectations. Where appropriate, negotiate without forfeiting control of the home environment. Since this situation addresses what might happen in the distant future, you have time to bond to the child by frequently and selectively reinforcing those behaviors that are appropriate and that you appreciate, by ignoring those behaviors that are inappropriate but inconsequential, by teaching appropriate behavior, and by allowing natural or social consequences to do the talking for you in those instances where anything you might say would simply be rejected or be counter-productive.

   (2) The child continues to be unpleasant and disagreeable. Typically, this kind of behavior is best left alone just ignore it. Later when the child is pleasant and agreeable, be sure to acknowledge that, as noted earlier. If the behavior becomes intolerable because of its effects on other children, then restate your expectations, outline the consequences, and let the consequences do the talking for you. Under these circumstances, the probability is remote that the behavior will persist for more than a day or two.

   (3) The child's behavior improves and he/she is pleasant to be with. Be sure to acknowledge this with frequent though very natural, positive reinforcement: a gentle word, a tender touch, a sincere hug, a genuine smile, a brief note. A few of these a day will do wonders.

The key to being successful in any of the above experiences and the situations they represent is that the behavioral guidelines of the home are well articulated, and the children know exactly what to expect in any given situation. They know exactly what to expect when they behave appropriately, and they know exactly what to expect when they behave inappropriately.

In the process of putting such a program in place, there will always be a need to "debug" the system. That is only natural. You will make mistakes along the way, but you will make fewer and fewer as time goes by and as you become more and more skillful.

Do not allow your children to intimidate you. Do not cave in to their anger and/or their wrath. Avoid ambivalence. That's like telling your kid, "No, you're not going to do that, and that's semi-final." Don't be like the dad who said to me, "But I was firm with him. For a minute there he really believed he wasn't going to get the car keys."

Now just a final word about procrastination behaviors. Children, and particularly adolescents, are masters at putting you off. They do this with verbal diversions which have a long history of knocking parents off balance. Here are a few of them, with some suggested responses:

1. "Don't worry about it, I can take care of myself. " Nearly every "trouble" my kids ever got into was preceded with something like this. Don't be too easily comforted by such statements of assurance. Rather, say something like, "I appreciate your effort to assure me that everything is fine. Still, I'm not comforted." Then discuss the matter in light of the consequences of behaving appropriately or inappropriately.
2. "Just Leave Me Alone!", or "Get off my case/get off my back!" "No, in this instance I will not leave you alone. I have an investment in this matter-a serious responsibility-and it is in my interest and yours that we get this matter resolved." Then proceed in an objective manner to discuss the problem and devise a solution.
3. "I'm sorry. " Don't let mercy rob justice. Express appreciation for the remorse, but press for what you can expect in the future, and apply the consequences to what the child has done. You can bet your life the kid is sorry only because he/she got caught, and the humility is more likely related to getting caught than to remorse for behaving badly. It is the behavior that is in question, not the level of humility or remorse.

Also avoid the overuse of such terms as "I'm doing this for your own good," or "I'm doing this because I love you." Rather, say, "Despite the fact that I love you very much, I'm doing this because it's my responsibility to do it. It brings me no great pleasure, but it must be done."

NOW TO REVIEW

1. Expect children to be reactive. They are not yet fully civilized nor adequately experienced.
2. Given your adulthood, years of experience, and the skills taught in this book, you should now be fully able to respond proactively to adolescent, childish reactive behavior. On the form below, fill in the "proactive" column for situations 3 and 4.