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"We encourage ... people to view every habit and custom with an eye to possible improvement. Solutions to problems of every sort follow almost miraculously."
B. F. Skinner

Raising children-particularly teenagers-is not always easy. We tend to overreact. We tend to do for our children what they can and need to do for themselves. We tend to stand between them and the instructive consequences of their own behaviors. Sometimes we forget that our children are children in the process of growing. As children grow, communication tends to break down, rules are not carefully and consistently enforced, and we wonder if and how we're going to make it as a family.

It's been reported that over three-fourths of all American high school students have contemplated suicide as a reasonable solution to solving their problems. A third of these have actually tried taking their own lives. The majority of those said they couldn't get along with parents and suicide seemed like the best way out. It is terribly unfortunate that suicide would be considered a reasonable alternative to any of life's problems. It is doubly unfortunate that, at a time when we know so much about how to improve the relationship between parents and children, so many problems continue to exist. Research in human behavior has taught us wonderfully helpful things. In this chapter, I review many of those things as they relate to important parenting skills. Particularly I focus on nine skills, drawn from the preceding pages of this book, parents should have that we know, when-applied correctly, will improve parent-child relationships. These skills will help parents and children get along better by creating a happier environment at home, or wherever parents and children are together; and should difficulties arise (as they always will!), the chances are great that problems will be handled in a positive, appropriate way.

Regarding "chance," remember human behavior can only be predicted in terms of probabilities, not certainties. Although we might want total rapport or a 100% perfect relationship with our children, the best we can hope for will always be something less than perfect. In nature some laws produce the exact same results every time, such as the law of gravity. Behavior seldom if ever works that way, but by using well-applied skills, we can greatly increase the probability that behavior will proceed in a desirable direction.

We must also accept the fact that risks are involved in raising children, and these risks increase with age. When working with infants and children, the risks tend to be low while the probabilities for success are high. As age increases so do the risks, and the probabilities for success decrease, as illustrated by Figure 6.2. Rather than be discouraged by this, we must be ready for it and be prepared to adapt our parenting behaviors accordingly.

Age isn't the only variable that affects risk. Emotional stability, life experiences, parent's experiences as children, and the quality of their own childhood environment all influence the level of risk. Nevertheless, despite these variables, it is possible to learn and to use a better way to understand and interact with children. When that is done, parents and their children do get along much better.

By appropriately and consistently using the nine skills discussed here, we as parents can create a "proactive" environment in the home. A proactive environment is a positive, supportive, reinforcing environment that is under parental control. This is in contrast to a "reactive" environment in which the mood of the home is vulnerable to every mood brought into it by whomever may enter. (See Chapter 4, On Being In Control, Figure 4.1.)

Think about your own home and ask yourself the question, "What sets the mood of this home?" I have asked this question of parents all across the United States. Usually, they describe their home environment as one which reflects the moods brought into it by members of the family. A child has had a bad day at school and comes home grumpy and upset. Other family members react to this in kind. The mood of the home is immediately negative; reactive. This isn't unusual. When children are upset and cranky, parents tend to react in an upset and cranky way. Data suggest that parents are 6 to 10 times as inclined to be negatively reactive than they are to be positive and proactive in responding to the behavior of others in the family.

It doesn't have to be that way. Reactive responding is a learned behavior, but parents can learn a better way. We can't expect our home to be pleasant if we are unpleasant, out of control, and reactive. We must also get one thing clear immediately: if we are going to wait for our children to somehow naturally "shape-up" in order for things to get better, we will be waiting for ever! Giving children the responsibility to frame a happy, positive environment in the home is like putting the fox to guard the hen house. Creating a happy mood in the home is our responsibility as parents. By first controlling our own behaviors, then by effectively applying selected skills, we can have a remarkable effect on improving the quality of life at home.

Here is an example of what I mean. Several years ago, our 17-year-old daughter came home from school in what appeared to be a very good mood. Once inside the house, though, she slammed the door so hard it shook the whole front end of the house, she threw her books on the floor, and let out a scream of frustration and anger. I was in the family room and my first reactive inclination was to march right out there and tell that kid she wasn't going to get away with that junk in this house! As I moved stridently towards the hall, I reminded myself that I was reacting, that I was allowing an adolescent child to set the mood of the home and to dictate my behavior. I stopped, took a few deep breaths, regained my composure, and walked into the hall in complete control of my emotions. My daughter was standing there breathing heavily and obviously very upset. Ignoring the books and papers strewn all over the floor, I gently took her hand and in quiet, compassionate tones said, "You have had a bad day. I'm sorry." Still breathing heavily, and obviously out of control of her emotions, she responded, "Yeah. I had a rotten day!" I said, "Let's sit down on the couch in the living room." Sitting together, I put my arm around her and she began to relax immediately. Her head fell on my chest, and she began to sob. Tears cascaded down her face and onto my shirt. Her body quivered with emotion. After what seemed like a very long time, she caught her breath, her quivering and sobbing stopped, and she just lay there against me like a limp rag. I asked, "Would you like to talk about it?" "No," she replied, "I just needed someone to understand." She gave me a big hug and a kiss, told me she loved me, picked up her papers and books, and went downstairs to her bedroom. The rest of the day proceeded happily. A "reactive" response to that behavior would have destroyed the quality of the environment in the home for the remainder of the evening. A "reactive" response would have accomplished nothing except to damage the relationship between a daughter and her dad. It would have robbed me of a great opportunity to show compassion and concern to a lovely girl who was momentarily upset, and to strengthen the bonds between us.

Parents can learn a better way, as illustrated by this next situation (told to me by a father). The daughter, while in high school, had taken up with a group of kids whose life style was almost 100% opposed to the value system of the home. The parents behaved badly; that is, reactively. They scolded her for taking up with such an element of people. They moralized, preached, warned, chastised, threatened. It didn't do anything but make matters worse.

Before long, the daughter was coming home smelling of alcohol and tobacco. To her father that was the last straw. He had grown up in a home where alcohol had been abused, and where alcohol and tobacco had worked a severe economic and emotional hardship on the family. As a child, he had come to hate alcohol and tobacco with a boundless passion. Those feelings had lain dormant in him for many, many years. He never had any reason to be very annoyed about people using alcohol or tobacco because he could just leave situations where they were being consumed. He had protected himself. But now, this horrible influence, and memories of the past, were assaulting him again right in his own home! By one of his own children! He couldn't just leave! It all seemed so cruel and unfair to him. He began avoiding his daughter. He absolutely couldn't stand to be in her presence. He couldn't stand to touch her and hug her as he had done every day of her life. He didn't want to talk with her or to be with her or to have anything to do with her! It was terrible! Without a doubt, he was behaving worse than she was.

His wife hadn't grown up under these same conditions. Though distasteful, they didn't affect her the same way they did the father. Consequently, she was not as distracted from the needs of their daughter as he had been. She reminded her husband-sometimes gently, but not always!-of his responsibility to behave "proactively"; to use those skills the family was in such need of during such critical times. Although the mother had her bad moments too (they suffered together), the father finally learned a better way of responding to his daughter. He put together a plan. He anticipated those situations to which he would otherwise "react," then wrote out how he should behave (see Figure 7.1). He role played; he acted out this better response. He practiced what he would do in distasteful situations. He learned to replace his old, bad, reactive responses with new, good, proactive ones. IT WORKED!

Despite the appearance and smell of his daughter, despite her behaviors, and despite his own adverse feelings he began to be stable. He began greeting her warmly and affectionately when she came home, like he used to. Every day, he told her he loved her and let her know how valuable she was to him. When her less-than-desirable friends came to the house, he greeted them with the same enthusiasm he greeted his other children's friends. He and his daughter talked about all the crazy and inconsequential things that kids like to talk about. This opened the way to talk about important things and to communicate feelings and concerns in a way that was acceptable.

The change was dramatic. In some areas it was immediate. Every time she entered the house, she went directly to her dad for a hug and a kiss and to tell him she loved him. She followed this same routine when leaving the house.

The quality of her life didn't change entirely to what her parents would have it be, but the quality of "their" life together couldn't have been better. Her problems remained her problems. Her dad felt bad for her because of them, but there was no longer a wedge between them.

Following a car accident, a policeman took her home crying and upset. Fumbling around for her cigarettes, she became distracted and ran into the back of another car, sustaining damage to both the other car and her car. She was so distraught. You can't imagine what a temptation it was to her dad to say, "I told you so." Billions of brain cells screamed out at him, "This is your chance to get even! This is your chance to tell her what's what!" And frankly, he wanted to! Fortunately, he had learned his proactive skills well. Instead of giving way to the idiot temptation that was flooding over him to be reactive, he gently and compassionately took his trembling, cigarette-smelling daughter into his arms, held her close, told her how sorry he was, and did everything he could to help relieve her suffering. Suddenly, he realized "he" was not suffering! She clung to him tightly with her arms fully extended around him. And cried. She then kissed him, told him she loved him, and said, "Thanks Dad. You helped me a lot and I appreciate it." The mood he wanted in the home prevailed: calm, understanding, loving, and compassionate.

The skills discussed in this chapter are all intended to help parents create that kind of proactive environment in the home, and to learn how to interact effectively with their children. If they are used consistently and effectively, that is exactly what will happen. Your children might not behave in every respect and in every situation exactly as you want them to (as was undoubtedly the case with you and your parents when you were a kid!), but at least the environment in your home will be under your "proactive control", and you will have learned a better way, a wonderful way, to raise children. You will have acquired valuable parenting skills. Parent burnout occurs when parents struggle unsuccessfully-skill-less-with day-to-day problems. With skills, you will still get tired (parenting can be exhausting), but you won't burn out. "Burnout" refers to mental exhaustion, and mental exhaustion is largely a product of not knowing what to do. With skills, you know what to do.

Now let's discuss these nine skills. You've heard these before but read them carefully again for emphasis.

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Skill #1:
The Ability to Seize Opportunities to Have Frequent Positive Interactions with Your Children

There is absolutely no substitute for positive and pleasant interactions between parents and their children! When children are in a good mood, playing nicely together, pleasant to be around, doing their chores as instructed, getting their homework completed, and generally behaving appropriately, these behaviors should be acknowledged. Acknowledge them in very natural ways, but don't feel you have to acknowledge every single appropriate behavior. Just make certain that your praise and acknowledgments are distributed evenly and sincerely among the children, and see that they are given without fanfare, done simply in just a few seconds, and with few words. Smiles, a pat on the back, and sincere verbal acknowledgment are all things you can do to positively acknowledge appropriate behaviors. Do this several times an hour when in the company of your children. If each interaction takes only 3 to 4 seconds, you could have 15 to 20 per hour and it would only take about a minute of your time. That certainly isn't too much to ask.

Positive acknowledgment of appropriate behavior is a skill all parents need to learn. Studies of parent/child interactions clearly show that parents are much more likely to pay attention to inappropriate behavior than they are to attend to appropriate behavior. We also know that many parents give little thought to the quality of their interactions with their children. To become more aware of how you interact with your children, I suggest that you take a few days and record the quality of your own interactions with your children. Make a note every time you have a positive interaction, and every time you have a negative one. You may even want to describe the interactions. Figure 27.1 gives you an idea about how to do this. For starters, I recommend there never be more than one negative interaction for every eight to ten positive interactions. When keeping such a record, it generally isn't necessary to keep it for more than a few days-a week at most. Usually, within a few days, behaviors reappear and parents soon come to realize how things really are. By doing this, they have also prepared the groundwork to make things better.

Even at best, family life has its ups and downs. After a while, if you notice the atmosphere in the home becoming tense and strained again, just keep a record for a few days and you will almost surely find out why. When my children were young, there were times when sibling rivalry would get so bad the entire mood in the home was negative. Those were the times I'd keep a record of my wife's and my interactions with our children. Invariably, after a day or two we were able to determine what the problem was and set things in order. It was almost always a case of our giving attention to inappropriate behavior rather than appropriate behavior.

Sometimes, we forget to praise good behaviors. A simple way to remember to praise is to tape reminder notes where you are sure to see them. A taped reminder on the bathroom mirror will prompt you to tell Billy how nice his room looked after he cleaned it up. A note taped to the kitchen cupboard will easily remind you to tell Mary how much you appreciated her getting her homework done. Other reminders could be a picture tilted off level, a nickel in your shoe, or a knickknack intentionally located out of place.

Since behavior is the product of its immediate environment, it is important that a measure be taken of the quality of the environment. One way of doing this is to keep track of the quality of the interactions between parents and their children, as illustrated in Figure 27.1. First, describe the interaction, and then indicate whether it is a positive or negative interaction. Keep the record for at least a few days, usually no more than a week, but don't let the children know what you are doing.

The things we do and say, and even the way we feel, are usually prompted by something that happens around us. Typically, we are more sensitive to negative behaviors: a child who acts out, children who fight, or a son/daughter who comes home too late. These are often dramatic and hard-to-ignore behaviors. They have a strong influence over our own behavior and prompt us to pay attention to them. This being the case, we need a counter-force, something to prompt us to pay attention to the great mass of appropriate behaviors generally left unnoticed.

I realize that with some children, particularly those in their mid-teenage years, it might be very difficult to behave in a positive way to some of their weird and obnoxious behaviors. We sometimes get the feeling that they never behave appropriately, when in fact there are usually only a few undesirable behaviors that regularly reoccur, and loom so large we can't see around them. But there are typically many more good behaviors and, if we look hard enough, we can find them.

While in her midteens, our youngest daughter wrote me the following note. It taught one of the greatest lessons of my life.

Dear Dad:
Yesterday I had all the dishes washed, dried, and put away. You didn't even notice. I wish you would pay more attention to the things we do correctly than the things we do wrong. You will see that the correct outnumber the incorrect. I love you, but I am not perfect. I need more compliments.

Out of the mouths of babes!

I recall an account of an interview with a major league baseball player who was asked to explain his remarkable recovery from a terrible slump of the year before. He credited his success to his new coach: "He got more out of me than anyone ever has. He is the greatest motivator I ever knew. He never says anything negative about you. He's completely positive."

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Skill #2:
The Ability to Clearly Establish and Communicate Your Expectations

Make certain your children understand perfectly what you expect of them, how you expect them to behave. This can be taught most effectively through role playing where children repeat back to you your expectations until you are satisfied they know and understand perfectly what you expect. Here are a couple of examples, beginning with young children.

The setting is a parent and her child, Billy. The expected behavior is to have Billy hang up his coat.

After saying this, go to the closet, take out a coat, put it on the child, take it off, put it on the hanger, and hang it up. Then say, "Now, you do that, Billy."
If the child performs correctly, acknowledge that by saying, "Good. That is exactly correct. You hung your coat up exactly as you are expected to do. Now, put it on again, go outside, come right back in, and show me what you are supposed to do with you coat."
As the child performs correctly, acknowledge that: "Very good. You hung up your coat exactly as you are expected to do. That's super."
Give the child the opportunity to practice the behavior that is being taught. With each successful practice, acknowledge that success both verbally and physically. A sincere hug is great.

This same approach can be used to teach children to come to dinner when called, do what they are told to do, clean up their toys, or whatever.

The key is that they actually show you by what they do that they understand your expectations. Too often, parents tell their children to do something and then ask, "Now, do you understand what I'm telling you!?" Anxious to get their parents off their backs, children will say "yes" to anything. This is not acceptable. It leaves the door open to too much interpretation and forgetting. You must first tell them, then demonstrate it, and then have them do it-repeatedly, until you are absolutely sure you know they know it, and are able to do it. By then, they also know that you know they can do it.

Now let's look at an older child.

The setting is a mother with her 16-year-old daughter who has recently gotten her driver's license and wants to use the car. The mother is instructing the girl about being responsible when using the car.

This procedure should be used in exploring all of the ramifications of using the car:

When and how often the car can be used, who pays for the gas and upkeep, how late at night can the car be used, and so on.

The beginning of a child's driving career is the time to thoroughly cover these expectations. The child will gladly put up with this type of discussion given the desirable privilege at hand.

Let's suppose the daughter takes issue with the discussion or feels like she is being treated like a child. Parents needn't feel defeated, frustrated, or intimidated by such resistance. In fact, such resistance is to be expected! It is age-typical behavior. You'd handle that resistance this way:

The mother didn't argue, become upset, preach, moralize, resort to logic or reason, none of this junk. She directly, with compassion and understanding ("I can appreciate that you might find this a little annoying. I'm sorry it upsets you..."), pressed her need for the required information ("...but this is super important to me."). Though the girl resisted and balked twice, she finally came forth with an acceptable response. This is quite typical.

If parents remain proactive and on course, the chances are overwhelmingly positive that the children will come forth with an acceptable response. In coming forth with that response, the kid might be sullen, angry, disgusted, or caught up in any one of a dozen dumb-dumb demeanors. Just space it off. Respond as a highly civilized adult no matter how uncivilized the kid behaves. Why should you get upset? After all, it's your car. You can use it whenever you want!

Suppose the child gets so upset she simply won't cooperate. Just say:

Setting: The girl returns and, though outwardly calm, is still obviously angry and seething inside. Mother has a faint, though obviously secure, smile on her face. She is in complete control. The daughter is likely a bit confused by this. Only a short time earlier she had pulled out all the stops in an effort to blow her mother away, but mother is still there, well anchored in complete control, unmoved, unruffled. By now the daughter must certainly be thinking, "What a brick!", as thoughts of the story of the "Three Little Pigs" cross her mind. She composes herself, she postures herself to be equal to the task:

It is important to keep in mind that what people do, that is, how they behave, is put into action by some kind of prompt or cue. Parents' expectations and directives are types of prompts. If children have a clear, working understanding of their parents' expectations, and understand the consequences of meeting or not meeting them, they are more inclined to behave appropriately. Which brings us to the next important skill.

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Skill #3:
The Ability to Clearly Establish and Dispense the Consequences for Compliance and Noncompliance

Children and parents alike all behave and perform better when they know exactly what the consequences of their behavior are. When we as parents have those consequences clearly understood, we are in a much better position to be in control of our own emotions and behavior while dealing with the out-of-control behavior of our children.

A common problem-perhaps the most common problem-we as parents get ourselves into is when in the heat of emotion, frustration, and anger we impose a consequence that we have neither the intention nor the ability to carry out. It is not unusual at all, in a moment of anger and frustration, for a parent to yell, "You're never going to use that car again as long as you live, so help me!!!!" Then the next day the kid is merrily driving off in the car and the parent is feeling more helpless than ever.

What has the child learned? "Let the old man spout off, lay low for a day or two, mind your manners, and everything will be okay." There is a better way. To illustrate that better way, we will build on the examples from Skill #2: Clearly establishing expectations.

In the first example, the child was being taught what was expected of him relative to hanging up his coat. The child had demonstrated to the parent's satisfaction that he knew what was expected of him when he took his coat off. The parent is now discussing consequences.

Sometimes management systems become so complex and so miserable to manage they become more intolerable than the behavior being managed. When using this strategy, keep any reinforcement system as simple as possible. For example, in most instances simply giving the child a hug or a kiss and a verbal acknowledgment of good behavior is all that is needed. To a large extent, what is appropriate is a matter of judgment on the part of the parent, and depends on what the parent knows about the child. If a parent knows the child will need a heavy reinforcement for compliance, then a more elaborate reward system like the one described above might be appropriate. It is a judgment call on the part of the parent, based in large measure on the effect the system is having on the behavior.

Just as a child is reinforced for doing what is asked of him, he must also know the consequences of not doing what he's told. For example:

When employing such a strategy, stick to your plan. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by arguments, reason, or the emotions of the child. Show empathy and understanding but stay the course. If a child misbehaves and loses the privilege of riding his bike, and he is very upset, remain calm and say: "I'm sorry you lost the privilege of riding your bike. Hopefully, you'll have earned that privilege by tomorrow." Then leave it at that.

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Skill #4:
The Ability to Ignore Behaviors Which Do Not Threaten the Basic Quality of Life, Limb, and Property (which include most age-typical behaviors)

As we study behavior in the home between siblings and parents, it is interesting to observe that the vast, vast majority of all inappropriate behaviors are benign. That is, they are really of no consequence in terms of being a threat to anyone or anything. They are garden variety, age-typical, weed behaviors. If left alone, they'll eventually "dry up" (as my dad would say) and go away. Unfortunately, as parents, we tend to irritate these behaviors by picking away at them. We become taken by the notion that we aren't fulfilling our responsibilities as parents unless we "nip these problems in the bud."

Unfortunately, in our efforts to nip these behaviors in the bud, we can actually make them worse. An important principle of behavior has taught us that behavior can be powerfully reinforced by parental attention; consequently, if we pay attention to inappropriate behaviors, those behaviors will continue. But remember, the same is true for appropriate behavior! Most misbehaviors children display in the home are basically inconsequential in terms of normal growth and development. As parents, we have to be very careful we don't get uptight about these behaviors. We have to remember that they are just normal growing-up behaviors. In fact, most of us can look back over our own childhood at home with our brothers and sisters and recall a lot of fights, arguments, and rivalry we were involved in. It is very unlikely that any of it effected our healthy growth and development, or our long-term relationships with our brothers and sisters.

When we give such behaviors attention, children will misbehave just to get that attention. A major solution to this is to simply ignore such behavior. When I say ignore such behavior, I mean that literally in every sense of the word. We are well advised in such instances not to even look at the children with a scowl or a smile on our face. We shouldn't say a single word in response to such behaviors. We shouldn't make any gestures which would indicate we are paying any attention to it whatsoever. In fact, a very effective strategy is to simply turn and walk away. Just get up and walk out of the room where the behavior is taking place. (But when leaving, don't roll your eyes to the ceiling!) This is one of the simplest yet most difficult things for parents to do, mainly because it runs so contrary to how we typically respond in such instances. When children misbehave, our very first inclination is to react immediately to put a stop to that nonsense right now! Once and for all! What actually happens is that we reward it; hence, we reinforce the very behavior we want to get rid of, the very behavior that annoys us the most.

Again, as difficult and unlikely as it may sound, it is nevertheless correct that the single best way of dealing with benign inappropriate behaviors, typically referred to as sibling rivalry and annoying behaviors such a tantruming, whining, pleading, crying, grouchiness, and so on, is to simply ignore it. This is called putting the behavior on extinction.

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Skill #5:
The Ability to Attend to an Inappropriate Behavior Unemotionally, Precisely, Directively, and Instructively

Some behavior is so serious as to be harmful to property, person, and normal growth and development. These behaviors include fighting where it is highly likely that a child will be harmed, breaking and destroying things, berating and putting a person down to the point that it affects one's image of self, demanding unearned privileges, and so on. When such behaviors occur, remain calm, and deal with them directly as illustrated by the following two examples.

In this first example, a child has become angry to the point of throwing things and hitting other children. Rather than angrily shouting at the child to "STOP THAT!" or hitting the child, calmly stand in front of him (one and a half to two feet away); put your hand softly on the child's shoulder (assuming that such a gesture will not invite physical retaliation); nonthreateningly raise your other hand, leaving the palm open with the fingers apart and slightly curled forward (this is a "soft" hand signal); look the child squarely in the eyes, and say, "That behavior must stop immediately. It is not allowed here." Rivet your gaze on the child's eyes for about 3 seconds (this invites emotions to cool down), then empathetically redirect the child's behavior:

The child may argue or resist by saying something like, "It's her fault! I hate her guts! You always blame me. She starts all the trouble and never gets blamed for it! It isn't fair!!" and on and on and on. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, answer or respond in any way to any of these charges, be they true or false or questionable. Rather, with empathy and understanding, say:

Gently put your hand on the child's back, midway between the shoulder blades and the small of the back, and begin walking together in the direction of the child's room (or the couch where he is to sit down, to a chair outside on the patio, or wherever he has been directed to go to calm down). After a few steps in that direction, pat the child on the back and with a very gentle forward nudge, prompt the child to proceed alone to his (as one parent put it) "think it over area."

When the child returns, say, "I'm glad you're feeling better. Would you like to talk about it?" If he does, proceed with empathy and understanding, but do not get sucked into a conversation about fault, fairness, or how terrible his sister is. Deal only with his feelings, not others' faults. And keep the visit short. As the child's behavior improves, reinforce that. This is called the stop, redirect, reinforce strategy. If necessary, go through the same procedure with the sister.

In this second example, let's suppose a child has behaved irresponsibly and has not gotten his assigned chore done. Let's further suppose that the child has been appropriately instructed about the chore: he knows exactly what is to be done, by when it is to be done, and how well it is to be done. The child also understands the consequences, both positive and negative, for getting the work done or not getting it done. Rather than "bug" the child repeatedly because he hasn't gotten the chore done, once the time for getting the chore done has past, be unemotional, precise, and direct in dealing with that failure to comply. Suppose the child knows he's allowed to go to the movie with his friends when his Saturday chore is done by 11:00 in the morning. He understands that. There is no doubt in his mind as to what is expected of him. One o'clock in the afternoon comes around, the chore hasn't been done and the child comes to you for permission to go to the movie with his friends. You don't berate the child and go into a long sermon in which you remind the child about his lack of compliance and how it disappoints you that he didn't do what he was told to do, and on and on and on. Rather, unemotionally, precisely, and directly say,

Of course, the child will react. He will desperately try to strike up an argument. He may question your love for him. He may give all kinds of convincing reasons why he didn't get his chore done. He will assure you that if he's able to go to the show, he will get his chore done as soon as he gets home. If he gets really angry, he will tell you what a stupid rule you've imposed upon his life, and so on. Listen to all of this calmly and empathetically, and respond by saying something like,

This will likely spark the child's anger and he will become even more intense in his criticism and denial. Again, listen to all of that junk with a lot of empathy and when the kid is done, you say,

Then look the child right in the eyes and calling him by name say,

If the child continues to behave badly and to carry on, you might have to remind him that other more serious consequences will result from his persisting with that behavior. If this reminder is given, then the related consequence must go into effect immediately! Otherwise, it is just an idle threat. If you don't want to deal with the matter any more at the moment, simply leave the room. Maybe you can go into your bedroom where you can lock the door. If he howls and carries on outside, just let him have at it. Typically it is short lived. The point is, you can have an immense effect on inappropriate behavior by simply dealing with it directly and unemotionally and precisely. Don't talk much. It's important to get your message across using only a few words, with as little time spent at it as possible.

In some instances, the child's behavior might, indeed, make you very upset. You might feel you can't proceed in an unemotional, precise, and direct manner. If that is the case, simply say to the child, "I need a moment to myself. We will discuss this matter later. I'll be back in fifteen minutes." Then just leave the room. In that fifteen minutes the child will have had a chance to cool down, and you will have had a chance to get your thoughts together and be prepared to deal with the matter as it should be.

To instruct or reinstruct a child about how to behave appropriately, use the teaching interaction strategy (also known as the Corrective Teaching Model) discussed at length in Chapter 3. It is such a wonderful way to teach children how to behave.

Parents and teachers repeatedly say to me, "This kid just cannot behave!;" "What's the matter with that kid?!;" "He just can't seem to learn;" and so on. There is a better, more positive, and mature way of assessing children's behavior, a way that focuses on learning, not on deficits. For example,

Note: If a child can learn to behave inappropriately, he can learn to behave appropriately.

In the first instance, the blame for the child's behavior is placed on the child. In the second instance, the responsibility for teaching the child is where it should be, on the parent or the teacher. Parents and teachers need to spend more time and effort concerned with teaching appropriate behaviors than with wringing their hands over, or punishing, inappropriate behavior.

The ability to remain calm in the company of a mouthy, outraged, bratty kid is not easy. It's much easier, in fact, to respond in-kind with mouthy, outraged, and other aversive behaviors. At the moment, being able to be calmly directive and instructive can be next to impossible. Still, you need not feel as though you are a prisoner of such a setting. You can always just walk away, buy some time, and return to the problem later when things have calmed down.

A single mother of a difficult 14-year-old boy was in my office recently and told me of a wonderful experience she had in this regard. She and her son were standing nose-to-nose as he spit out one ugly, vituperative expletive after another. Her mind was in a whirl; she felt completely disoriented as this uncivilized little creature unleashed his vile wrath all over her. She knew that to respond in-kind would only make matters worse, and to try reasoning with the boy would be just one notch above insanity. Then, on impulse, out of nowhere as the boy was carrying on, she leaned forward and gave him a great big kiss "right on the lips. I couldn't believe what I had done! He stopped immediately and we just stood there in dead silence looking at each other. I quietly told him I loved him. He just looked at me-kind of funny, kind of confused and he walked away and went into his bedroom. About half an hour later he came to me and said, `I love you, too, Mom. I'm sorry for what I said,"' and he hugged her. With this new healthy "setting condition" in place, they were able to work out their problems. She was then able to be instructive in a positive way.

Summary  ::   Skill 1  ::   Skill 2  ::   Skill 3  ::   Skill 4  ::   Skill 5  ::   Skill 6  ::   Skill 7  ::   Skill 8  ::   Skill 9  ::   Review

Skill #6:
The Ability to Not Question a Noncompliant Child About His Behavior

Asking a child to explain his inappropriate behavior is counterproductive. It simply calls attention to the very behavior you want to get rid of by inviting an extended verbal exchange about it. Also, when parents ask their noncompliant children to explain their behavior, the parents don't really want an answer, they want compliance, and an answer is no reasonable substitute for compliance. In fact, an answer might simply make things worse, especially if it's a smart-mouth answer that annoys the parent. For example, suppose the child has failed to get his homework done, and it is now time for him to leave for school. There is no time to do the homework. The parent asks the child,

The child has answered the question, but he is still not in compliance. In the meantime, he has gotten a ton of attention for noncompliance. What has been accomplished? Nothing constructive, for sure. The child is still noncompliant. He's been the object of a great deal of attention for being noncompliant, and he isn't terribly upset about being noncompliant. It's the parent who's having a fit!

Parents, put this note on the mirror in your bathroom as an important reminder: "If what you are about to say or do does not have a high probability of improving things, don't say it and don't do it."

Rather than carrying on with a bunch of questions that only make matters worse, state your expectations, clarify consequences, then let those consequences do the talking for you. Ask questions only if you need information for problem solving. Otherwise, you're just blowing off steam (evidence of being full of a lot of hot air!).

Summary  ::   Skill 1  ::   Skill 2  ::   Skill 3  ::   Skill 4  ::   Skill 5  ::   Skill 6  ::   Skill 7  ::   Skill 8  ::   Skill 9  ::   Review

Skill # 7:
The Ability to Use the Inappropriate Behavior of One Child as a Prompt to You to Attend to the Appropriate Behavior of Other Children

As I have noted repeatedly, parents are inclined to immediately attend to inappropriate behavior, the consequence being that inappropriate behavior is strengthened by the attention that is given to it. Unwittingly, parents reinforce the very behavior they want to get rid of. To help us not pay attention to inappropriate behavior, use the inappropriate behavior of one child as a prompt to turn your attention to children who are behaving appropriately. For example, suppose two children are arguing with one another while another child is behaving very well. Rather than saying a word to the kids who are arguing, without fanfare go to the one that is behaving appropriately and quietly say, "I'm really glad to see you enjoying yourself so much. That looks like a fun book you're reading. When you are done with it, I'd love to have you tell me about it," then walk on. I recently had an experience with a mother of four young children that beautifully illustrates this point. She was concerned because one of her older sons had terribly poor table manners. Every time the boy behaved badly at the dinner table the mother would pay attention to him and say all kinds of things which, of course, did nothing but worsen the situation. Her other three children, on the other hand, were quite well mannered at the table. For that, they received no attention whatsoever. I suggested to the mother that when her son put his elbows on the table (which really annoyed the mother), she turn her attention to the other children and say things like, "I really appreciate the way Mary is sitting so nicely at the dinner table. Thank you, Mary." The mother tried it and was amazed to observe the immediate results. She said, "My son's elbows went off the table so fast, his face fell right into his plate!" She used the strategy consistently, though intermittently, from then on and literally eliminated the problem that had been upsetting her for so long.

There is an old adage in our society that says, "Leave well enough alone." This is good advice in some settings, such as where dangerous animals and volatile explosives are concerned, but it is not appropriate when dealing with good behavior. We should attend to "well enough," and leave the other alone-whenever possible, which is certainly most of the time.

Summary  ::   Skill 1  ::   Skill 2  ::   Skill 3  ::   Skill 4  ::   Skill 5  ::   Skill 6  ::   Skill 7  ::   Skill 8  ::   Skill 9  ::   Review

Skill #8:
The Ability to Smile and Laugh, Touch and Talk - a Lot!

An entire book could be written on the teaching and therapeutic value of smiling, laughing, touching, and talking. When a child gets out of line at the grocery store, rather than jerk the kid back with a scowl and a "Get over here! Now do what I tell you!" gently take the child by the hand, smile, draw him close to you, give him a hug or a pat on the back and gently say, "Thank you for standing close to me. I like having you close to me." Rather than berating a teenager for staying out too late, say, "I'm so glad you're home safe and sound. I've worried about you," then follow this with a hug and kiss and a sincere "Sleep tight. I love you." Let consequences do any remaining talking for you.

I have repeatedly stressed the importance of appropriate touching. It is a wonderful way for parents to bond with their children. There are studies which show that Americans touch each other less than do people in nearly any other country. One study showed, by comparison, that whereas Italians touch each other an average of 120 times an hour, Americans average only 2.8 times an hour. For emphasis, I reiterate that touching should be appropriate, and in families the more the better-as appropriate!

Leave your children notes of affection and appreciation. One night I forgot to leave a note on the pillow of our third daughter and she wrote a note back, "I missed the good-night note last night." What wonderful bonds can be formed with even a dull pencil and a scrap of paper.

Summary  ::   Skill 1  ::   Skill 2  ::   Skill 3  ::   Skill 4  ::   Skill 5  ::   Skill 6  ::   Skill 7  ::   Skill 8  ::   Skill 9  ::   Review

Skill #9:
The Ability to Assess Behavior Analytically and to Treat It Clinically

In our efforts to raise our children well, we often become our own worst enemies by rushing into things, issuing ultimatums, and making decisions without being adequately prepared. Seldom do crises occur in homes that are of such a serious nature that they absolutely must be dealt with immediately, on the spot. We too often think that's what needs to be done; thus, we act hastily only to regret it. In the vast majority of instances when we must intervene, we are best advised to proceed cautiously, to be objective and calm, perhaps make a note of what is happening, then proceed carefully on the basis of the information we have gathered. We should ask ourselves, "What are the consequences that are shaping and maintaining that behavior?" and, "What must we do to arrange the environment so that the behaviors that are in the children's best interest are properly taught and reinforced?"

One of my colleagues shared with me a wonderful experience he had with one of his teenage boys who resisted getting his homework done and turned in on time. Rather than getting upset, fussing and fuming, and bugging the boy with all kinds of verbal junk, he paused, quietly observed his son's behavior around home for a few days, kept cool, maintained an up-beat relationship with his son, and waited for the environment to suggest an answer to the problem. "Remember, behavior is largely a product of its immediate environment." Sure enough, only a few days passed and the solutions became apparent. He hadn't realized before how much his son enjoyed the privacy of his bedroom. What a great, positive consequence for compliance: privacy! (It turned out to be more valuable than money.) Of course, the boy had to earn it. But how? You guessed it, by getting his homework done and in on time. His father took the boy's bedroom door off and said to him quietly and kindly, even benevolently, "Son when your homework is done and in on time, you can have your bedroom door back." (In the science of human behavior this is called a response cost.) The homework problem was solved in a very positive way; furthermore, as the timely completion of homework was paired with privacy and with Dad's verbal praise, the boy embraced learning as enjoyable and his outlook on school took on a whole new character. Pretty wonderful solution, wouldn't you say? (If you have had similar experiences with positive solutions to perplexing problems, please send them to me so I can share them with other parents. When you do so, please tell me something about your circumstances, e.g., whether you're a single parent, whether you live in a particularly difficult social setting, family size, and so on.)

For your interest and amusement, I have included at the end of this chapter a brief report a teacher submitted to me describing his experience with a behavior he was concerned about. It is a very nice illustration of a systematic and effective approach to problem solving that you would be well advised to use as the need exists. Figure 4.2, and an explanation of its use provide a valuable tool for systematically analyzing behavior.

When deciding on an intervention, we should always look for methods that are easy to apply and are solidly anchored in science. Avoid methods that are supported only by tradition, testimonial, conventional wisdom, logic, anecdotes, and past experiences. This kind of media-mentality and tabloid-reasoning will almost always result in disappointment, and even tragedy. Here are two examples of such mentality:

"I spank my kids because that's how my parents raised me. I got what I deserved and because of it, I turned out okay. If I'd have been molly-coddled and allowed to get away with things like kids do nowadays, I'd have been as bad as they are." And,
"Don't give me that patience-and-kindness-all-the-time stuff. The parents next door just drip of that kind of stuff and every one of their kids is a curse to society."

It is true, human behavior being what it is, some children raised in abusive homes will turn out great, while some children raised in wonderful homes will turn out terrible. But for the most part, these are exceptions to the rule. In the field of research, we look for what are called measures of central tendency; that is, evidence of conditions or circumstances that are most frequently characteristic of whatever it is we are studying. For example, let's say that for some odd reason, in a neighborhood of middle-income people, there lives a family that is worth a billion dollars. Tabloid reasoning would seize upon the billionaire as evidence of the wealth of the neighborhood. The scientist, looking for a measure of central tendency, would report that with one unexplained exception, the neighborhood is made up of middle income families. That would be the measure of central tendency, the best indicator of the economics of the neighborhood.

When looking for methods to raise our children, we should avoid unexplainable exceptions and look for methods that are characteristic of those approaches which have proved to have the highest probability of producing the results we want. If you were going to invest your money, you would avoid unexplainable exceptions and look, rather, for investments that are supported by measures of central tendency. Granted, an investment in an exception might pay off big. Lotteries, sweepstakes, and other far-out risks and chances have been known to heap wealth on individuals. But no one in his right mind would bet his life against those odds.

In this book, I've addressed only methods that are characteristic of measures of central tendency, methods that provide you with the best chances of winning-where the odds are overwhelmingly in your favor. I've done here precisely what you would expect your physician to do when treating your body, what you'd expect the pilot to do when flying the plane on which you were a passenger, what you'd expect a plumber to do when fixing a leaky faucet, and what I expect you to do when raising your children: assess things analytically and treat them clinically, with precision, care, and tons of love.

Be eager to put science to work in your high responsibility to appropriately shape your children's behavior. It's the surest way to go. As noted by B. F. Skinner, "...a scientific view of man offers exciting possibilities. We have not yet seen what man can make of man."

Summary  ::   Skill 1  ::   Skill 2  ::   Skill 3  ::   Skill 4  ::   Skill 5  ::   Skill 6  ::   Skill 7  ::   Skill 8  ::   Skill 9  ::   Review

NOW TO REVIEW

1. Seize opportunities to have frequent positive interactions with your children.
2. Clearly establish your expectations.
3. Clearly establish the consequences for compliance and noncompliance.
4. Ignore behaviors which do not threaten the basic quality of life, limb, and property (which include most unacceptable behaviors).
5. When it becomes necessary to attend to an inappropriate behavior, be unemotional, precise, and directive.
6. Do not question a noncompliant child about his behavior, or ask him to explain his inappropriate behavior.
7. Use the inappropriate behavior of one child as a cue to you to attend to the appropriate behavior of other children.
8. Smile and laugh, and touch and talk-a lot!
9. Assess behavior analytically and treat it clinically.

Using these skills effectively will have an immediate, remarkable, and long-term positive effect on the quality of the environment in your home and in your ability to establish and maintain a proactive environment. Remove the following page and display it in a prominent place as a prompt to you to behave well.

I end this book with a small but great bit of advice: Teach your children with love, never in anger; speak to your children with gentleness, never in anger; laugh and smile with your children, never at them; be a happy parent, be happy to be a parent, and that's what your children will learn!

IMPORTANT RULES OF PARENTING TO KEEP IN MIND

1. Seize opportunities to have frequent positive interactions with your children.
2. Clearly establish and communicate your expectations.
3. Clearly establish the consequences for compliance and noncompliance.
4. Ignore behaviors which do not threaten the basic quality of life, limb, and property (which include most unacceptable behaviors).
5. Attend to inappropriate behavior in an unemotional, precise, and directive way.
6. Do not question a noncompliant child about his behavior, or ask him to explain his inappropriate behavior.
7. Use the inappropriate behavior of one child as a cue to you to attend to the appropriate behavior of other children.
8. Smile and laugh, talk and touch-a lot.
9. Assess behavior analytically and treat it clinically.

Research has shown that the most effective way to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying weaken undesirable behavior using aversive or negative processes.
-S.W. Bijou
The International Encyclopedia of Education, 1988