On Being in Control

Intro ::  Prevention  ::   Endurance  ::   Treatment  ::   Diagnosis/Analysis  ::   Reinforcers  ::   Control  ::   Review

"Triumph over nature and over oneself yes. But over others, never."
- B. F. Skinner

As children grow older, and as the number of children in a family increases, parents tend to feel a gradual, incessant loss of control. Scarcely a week goes by but what a parent doesn't tell me in emotional, agonizing, desperate tones, "My kids are out of control. I'm helpless. I don't know what to do!" I consider this to be one of the major problems in families today: the feeling among parents that they are standing on the sidelines, helpless, as their kids romp helter-skelter over them.

Although a certain amount of disorder and lack of control is to be expected-after all, kids shouldn't be puppets on a string, and there is something to be learned from making poor decisions-parents do have a great responsibility to exercise reasonable control in the home. Without a reasonable level of control, kids are left to the mercy of the worst that society has to offer. It's no wonder parents feel desperate when they say to me, "My kids are out of control. I'm helpless. I don't know what to do!"

The bright side to this otherwise gloomy scene is that parents can be in control. They aren't necessarily the hapless victims of a naturally hopeless situation. It's always thrilling to me to see the change in parents when they learn the skills that put them in control in their homes. I recall the parents of a family of four children who described to me one desperate situation after another. The mother was crying, and the father's brow was wrinkled in agony. After about 45 minutes, the parents had pretty much covered everything. As they finished, they seemed to be surprised-at least curious-that I wasn't caught up in the same grip of hopelessness. What I heard was anything but a hopeless situation. Easily 90% of what was described to me was garden-variety, growing-up weed behavior that should have simply been ignored. The remaining 10% was easily manageable. By the time the visit ended, the parents were happy, hopeful, and after a few days of working with their children-using a better way-the parents were well on their way to having an environment in the home that was under their control. Not only are the parents happier, the kids are happier, too. Whereas before the parents were desperate and without skills, in the end they had skills and were in control.

In this chapter, I describe very specific things parents can do to create a home environment that is under their control-not under the control of children. I call it proactive management. Notice, again the emphasis is on parental management of the environment, not simply the control of kids. When parents learn to proactively manage the environment of their homes-which is really all they can be expected to manage-behavior of the children will respond accordingly. That's not to say that influences outside of the home will not affect the behavior of children. They will! But managing those out-of-home influences can be next to impossible. You have your hands full managing the environment inside your homes. But when you accomplish that, when you manage the home environment with reasonable means, you have created a proactive environment. My wife, Louise, said it all recently when she observed, "First, we must control our own behavior. Next, we must control the environment in our home. After we've done this, the children control themselves."

A proactive environment is a positive, supportive, reinforcing environment that is under parental control. Most home environments, as illustrated by Figure 4.1, are reactive. That is, members of the family react in kind to one another's behavior, the result being that the moods that are brought into the home by members of the family, moods that are driven by outside influences, tend to be the moods that control the environment because they are what family members attend to. For example, a member of the family comes home and is upset. Being out of sorts, that family member does and says things that annoy others. Rather than simply ignoring that inappropriate behavior, family members react to it in kind. They say things that are negative, condemning, judgmental, sarcastic, and so on, things that are on the same low level of civility as what set them off.

Figure 4.1 - Parent's Reactive vs. Proactive Responding

These negative reactions get attention and the cycle continues until before long there is a terrible explosion of behavior in the home and people are screaming, hollering, crying, and stomping around and the whole environment has been destroyed. It doesn't need to be that way! By creating a proactive environment, the negative and out-of-sorts moods that members of the family bring into the home soon yield to the positive, stable mood that is established by the parents. Since behavior typically follows that which pays attention to it, the inappropriate, undesirable behaviors are left unattended and soon die away. On the other hand, since a proactive environment is a positive and supportive one, appropriate behaviors are the ones that get attention and are the ones that grow, thrive, and increase.

Homes tend to be reactive because parents don't really know a better way of establishing and maintaining a positive, supportive, constructive home environment. Most people have been raised in homes that were reactive and that's the model they follow in their own homes. In this chapter I describe four things parents can do to maintain a proactive environment in the home, and how to protect the home from the negative behaviors that are so threatening to the harmony parents want there. A beautiful example of being proactive is described in "The Pause That Refreshes:"

I am the father of a large family. I go home tired from the routine of busy days. Before I cross the threshold I pause. I reflect for just a moment to remember what may be inside. Someone probably broke a dish. The carpet sweeper may be out of order. There may be a broken arm. The neighbor may be phoning us about a paper our boy did not deliver. There may be children to jump on me for attention and love (maybe with jam on their hands) to tell me the important happenings of the day.
So I pause and repeat a prayer something like this: "Oh, Lord, may my presence in this home bring faith and a cheerful good evening to those I love. May my homecoming strengthen this home and bring us together, not tear us apart. Keep my voice even, that I may build confidence and respect in me as their father and their friend."
This is the "pause that refreshes." I walk in prepared to act, happily and positively-not to react in an unbalanced way. It is amazing what it will do for me. We can try this not only in the home but also in a meeting that promises to be tense in which human relations are bristling.
The "pause that refreshes" is the priceless moment when we root the center of emotional gravity within us where it belongs, rather than in the social climate into which we are going.
Let us try the "pause that refreshes" plan. It will give us power and influence as fathers, mothers, and leaders.
Author Unknown

That's so great!
So often-too often!-as I observe parents interacting with their children, I see them reacting in ways that are totally out of balance with the behavior that is being reacted to. I see little, essentially inconsequential behaviors being reacted to with a degree of intensity that is completely out of proportion to the behavior. A child will do the slightest little thing and the parent jumps all over the child screaming, hollering, and carrying on in a way that is far worse than anything the child did. A child at the grocery store steps the slightest bit out of line and the parent grabs him by the arm and harshly jerks him back, while at the same time giving him an undeserved tongue lashing. It's like using cannons to kill gnats. It's this unevenness and lack of balance that has to be eliminated. Think of it in terms of treating a physical wound. If a child scratches his knee, you don't put a cast on it. You put a little medicine and a bandage on it. The medicine and the bandage are equal to the size of the sore. A small scratch will require only a small amount of medicine and a small band aid. The use of a cast is reserved for a more serious injury. There must be balance in the treatment.

To control and be in control we must carefully think in terms of prevention, endurance, and treatment.
Table 4.1 summarizes what follows.

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Prevention

Physical ills and misfortunes can be largely prevented by eating well, keeping out of our body those things which would harm it, getting plenty of rest and proper exercise, following the basic rules of safety, watching for important danger signs, thinking well of ourselves, and so on. These are all very positive proactive things, and when we practice them, we heighten the probability that we will be in good physical health.

By the same token, there are preventative things we can do which remarkably heighten the probability that we will have a healthy home and pleasant, even delightful, relationships with our children. We do this, as I have noted earlier, by going out of our way to be positive in our interactions with our children, by acknowledging their good behavior, and by clearly communicating to our children what it is we expect of them; then, when they meet those expectations, we pay attention to that behavior. There is no better way to establish a positive, supportive, constructive environment in the home than by being positive, supportive, and constructive in our interactions with one another in the family. There Is No Better Way! You will never beat goodness and good sense into your kids. You will never be successful at shouting and screaming happiness and compliance into their lives.

These are all counterproductive, coercive, reactive, destructive behaviors that will, in time, breed sick countercoercive behaviors in the lives of family members, behaviors which will one day require intensive and costly treatment. Here are what I call my four "Rules of the Day." I have found them to be effective ways to be in positive control of the home environment. I call them "Rules of the Day" because each one of them should be practiced every day.

1. Catch every member of your family doing something right, appropriate, or pleasant. Keep a keen eye out for opportunities to acknowledge good behavior. Never let a day go by without saying something pleasant, complimentary, positive to every member of your family (adults as well as children).
2. Each day have an appropriate, positive physical interaction with your children and spouse. Hugging is a wonderful way of communicating love and tenderness to members of your family. There is research which indicates that hugging actually changes body metabolism for the better, and improves the functioning of the immune system. As I said earlier, the skin is the largest organ of the body with more nerve endings than all other organs of the body combined. Hugging it, stroking it, and caressing it appropriately is a marvelous way of establishing a positive relationship with our family members. In recalling my daughter who kept a sign on the wall in her room which read "four hugs per day for survival, eight hugs for maintenance, and twelve hugs for growth," if she didn't get them, she would come to me and say, "Daddy, I need my hugs."
   
   Every physical interaction doesn't have to be a hug or a kiss. It can be a pat on the back, rubbing one's back, wrestling and scuffling around. Even a playful poke in the ribs or tap on the shoulder can be useful and effective in communicating love and affection. Fathers, don't be afraid to hug your boys. It is not a sign of weakness. An appropriate touch can communicate much more love and warmth than you could ever communicate with words.
3. Never say degrading or demeaning things to your children or spouse. When inclined to do so, leave the room and put time between your anger and a badly chosen word that you would later regret. Bite your tongue, keep your mouth shut, and turn your thoughts to other things until the drive to be verbally negative weakens and you are in control of it rather than it being in control of you. There isn't a shred of evidence in behavioral research which speaks to the value of using negative, degrading, demeaning language. To behave this way is a serious sign of weakness, and weak behavior is out-of-control behavior. Just don't say it! Keep your mouth shut! Cool off! Bring your emotions under control, then wait for an opportunity to say something nice, something that will build a person up rather than tear a person down. Again, remember to follow this admonition:
   Unless what you are about to say or do has a high probability for making things better, don't say it, and don't do it.
4. Where both the husband and wife are in the home, openly show affection to and for one another. A great American religious leader observed that the greatest gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother. What wonderful advice! Parents, don't be hesitant or embarrassed to express your affection toward one another in the company of your children. Husbands, tell your wife you love her, and let the children hear it. Wives, you do the same to your husband. Appropriately show physical affection to one another in the company of your children: a kiss, a hug, holding hands, and so on. I can remember vividly the mock expressions of embarrassment of my children as I would hug, kiss, and say loving things to their mother in their company: "Aw, Dad, you're crazy." Well, they were right. I am crazy-about my wife!

If these kinds of interactions are not a part of your home life, begin to make them a part of it, daily! You might have to ease into them. You might even have to practice them. A short time ago I was working with a mother of a 16-year-old daughter. The mother had completely lost the ability to say nice things to her daughter. She had said uncomplimentary and negative things to her for so long and so often, it became the dominant behavior. The mother had become trapped by her own reactive behavior! As we talked about the need for her to say positive things to her daughter, the mother told me she couldn't think of a single thing about her daughter that was worth saying something nice about. Of course, it wasn't true that the daughter was totally devoid of things to say something nice about, but that's all the mother could see because that's all the mother had responded to. Before the mother was able to say nice things to her daughter, she had to learn how to do it. Through role playing and practice, she finally reacquired the ability to say nice things to her daughter. I was pleased recently when I saw them together downtown engaged in happy, pleasant, animated conversation.

While working with a group of parents of adolescents, a mother-as with the mother I just described-assured me in no uncertain terms, and with colorfully descriptive language, that there was, indeed, nothing about her son that was in the least complimenttary. She asked, challengingly, "What am I supposed to say to a kid like that?" I answered, "When you see your son, say `Good breathing, Son.'" Though she was quite amused at this, she did it, and a few days later told me what happened. The boy came home looking, behaving, smelling as bad as ever. The mother (after practicing before a mirror on which her son's picture had been taped) said, "Hello, glad you're home safe and sound. Good breathing." He looked at her quizzically and said, "What!?" The mother replied, "I said, `Good breathing, Son.'" The boy began to laugh and she began to laugh. They hugged. They talked about inconsequential things. A new world of healthy mother-son relationships opened up, and the mother was simply delighted. One must not assume from this that the boy immediately became a Jack Armstrong all-American boy type. That's fantasy. But it ripped away every gate that had kept them off the road to compatibility. Things began getting better and have been steadily improving.

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Endurance

Aches and pains are a part of life. We don't rush off to the doctor or to the hospital seeking treatment for every ache and pain and discomfort. These are just natural parts of life. We ignore them and go on about our daily business. When left alone, most aches and pains (over 90% according to one report I read!) will likely go away and life will go on none the worse, and often better, because they were simply left alone.

Such is the case with many, even most, of the discomforting and painful behaviors of our children. Rather than chasing after every annoying, inappropriate, common, growing-up, garden-variety weed behavior of our children, we are better advised to ignore them and go on with our lives. A kid comes in the house and is grumpy, out of sorts, and says something rude or inappropriate, ignore it! Walk away from it. If one child is behaving appropriately, while another (or other children) is behaving inappropriately, just ignore the inappropriate behavior and turn your attention to the child who is behaving appropriately. Remember, behavior follows that which pays attention to it. If we ignore a behavior, whether it is appropriate or inappropriate, it will likely cease. If we pay attention to a behavior, whether it is appropriate or inappropriate, it will likely continue and even increase in frequency.

Before you think about paying attention to inappropriate behavior, carefully consider the seriousness of the behavior. We know that most inappropriate behaviors of children (like most of our aches and pains) are simply not serious enough to treat. They are not serious enough to pay attention to. They don't deserve our attention. Just endure, which is defined by Webster as "remaining firm under suffering or misfortune without yielding; to undergo hardship without giving in" (emphasis added).

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Treatment

If aches and pains persist, physical or behavioral, and the danger signs of serious problems continue, then it is time for treatment. But this attention to distress, disease, or injury is done reasonably, carefully, and systematically. It might even require restricting some of life's activities. For example, with a physical problem a person might have to use crutches or be in a wheelchair or even confined to bed. A careful analysis or diagnosis of the problem is made to be sure the treatment fits the illness. If taking four pills a day does the job, the doctor isn't going to prescribe 12 pills a day on the false assumption that more will hurry the healing process along. The doctor knows that even with the best of treatment, the body will heal only so fast, so treatment is carefully measured to be consistent with the seriousness of the illness and the body's ability to recover. It is not unusual for the first prescribed treatment to not work. The best and the most effective treatment might not be immediately evident to the doctor, so a chance is taken and an estimate is made at what will hopefully be the best treatment. But it might not work, so after a reexamination involving another measurement of the body's vital signs and so on, another attempt is made at prescribing a treatment that is equal to the illness. And so it is with behavioral ill health.

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Diagnosis/Analysis

Treatment generally involves the doctor sitting down with the patient and explaining what the matter is, why the treatment is necessary, and what the patient can expect as a result of treatment. In this explanation, the doctor might even go so far as to tell the patient that some of his or her activities will need to be more carefully controlled. The patient might have to go to bed for rest and recovery. Changes in diet might have to be made. Privileges that might otherwise be enjoyed might have to be curtailed or even eliminated for awhile. The doctor explains all of this to the patient so that he or she knows exactly what to expect. The doctor might also explain to the patient what might happen by ignoring the prescription. The patient might complain and say that he can't stay in bed to recuperate or that he doesn't like to take pills or he doesn't want to alter his diet. The doctor isn't going to scream and holler at him and argue with him over these points. The doctor will simply reiterate the diagnosis and treatment, then leave it up to the patient to make his own decision and to experience the natural consequences of those decisions.

When the patient comes to the doctor for treatment, the doctor doesn't scream and holler at him and give him the dickens because he is in ill health, even if he did something stupid that caused him to be in ill health. Let's say the patient broke his leg riding a motorcycle. The doctor doesn't launch into a long tirade about the foolishness of riding a motorcycle, or get into a long exposition about the fact that motorcycles are the most dangerous vehicles in the world to ride. He/she doesn't question the patient's wisdom and intelligence, or berate him for doing something that was so risky. By the same token, if the patient refuses to carefully follow the prescription and ignores the treatment, upon returning to the doctor, the doctor wouldn't rant and rave about this noncompliance and remind the patient of his stupidity and ignorance and so on. The doctor would allow the consequences to speak for themselves, while reminding the patient of the potential danger to one's health should treatment be ignored.

As with the body, there are times when behavior needs treatment; for example, when behavioral aches and pains persist and danger signs continue that suggest that the individual's normal growth and development are being threatened. When the behavior becomes more than annoying, it is necessary to treat the behavior, but this treatment must be prescriptive and carefully applied so that it is equal to the behavior that is being treated.

Before treatment begins, as is done by a medical doctor, it is necessary that the parent measure the vital signs of that behavior. The parent should take some time to observe the behavior to see how often it occurs, how long it persists, or the conditions under which it occurs. It is not unusual at all for parents to use sweeping statements to describe their children's behavior: "My kids always fight," "My son is always picking on his sister," "The kids never pick up after themselves," "My daughter is never home before one o'clock in the morning." However, when I have parents go back home and spend a week making notes that describe the behaviors that are troubling them, they invariably return with a totally different perception of the behavior. In some instances, in fact not infrequently, parents will tell me they don't need any more help, that having looked at the behaviors carefully, they realize what the problem is and are perfectly able to handle the situation themselves by simply practicing being positive with the children and ignoring inconsequential behavior. Just as you would have no respect for a doctor who started filling your body with pills or putting serious limitations on your life without first examining you and measuring vital body functions, you should not begin to treat the behavior of your children, or let anybody else treat the behavior of your children, until the behavior has been carefully diagnosed and measured.

To help parents systematically analyze their and their children's behavior, I suggest the use of the form found in Figure 4.2. Before describing how to use the form, I want you to know that I understand very well how unpleasant it can be to take data on our own, and our children's, behavior.

Still, as the need arises, I strongly encourage you to do it. It's a pain at the time, but in the long run it relieves more pain than it causes because it gives you the information you need to treat the problems that beset you.

Behavior, like so many other things we deal with daily in life, is very complex and we must respect that. If your car is not functioning properly and you are explaining the problem in non-technical terms, it's all right to use terms like doodad, thingamabob, whatchamacallit, and "it's on the fritz." But when it comes time to actually fix the car, technical terms will have to be used to precisely describe problems, identify replacement parts, and prescribe repair procedures.

And so it is with human behavior. Terms like frustration, anger, hyperactive, depression, hate, obsessive-compulsive are okay as gross indicators that something is the matter, but without a clear diagnosis of cause and effect relationships, such terms have no treatment value whatsoever.

By using the form in Figure 4.2 you can discover cause and effect relationships that would otherwise escape you completely. I've used it with thousands of parents and invariably, in wide-eyed amazement, they came to realize what is causing problem behaviors to arise in the first place, and what is keeping them going. In the study of behavior, this is called a "three-term contingency," and is used regularly as a tool for analyzing behavior problems. When using this tool, begin with a precise description of the problem behavior. For example, "Billy hit Susan hard on her back with his fist." Avoid description like, "Billy was mean to Susan," since "mean" can be interpreted in so many ways. Describe the behavior so clearly that anyone reading it would know exactly what happened. Next, if possible, identify what prompted Billy to hit Susan. For example, "Susan called Billy a scumball," or "Susan grabbed a book away from Billy," or "Susan just walked in the room and was minding her own business." Don't be too concerned if you can't identify the prompts. Sometimes they aren't obvious at all. But if you can, do so since it is information that can assist problem solving. Last describe what immediately follows the behavior. This is the consequence, and since behavior is shaped by consequences, it is very, very important that these be clearly identified. For example, "Susan went crying to Mother," or "Susan hit Billy back," or "Mother/Father scolded Billy and gave Susan a lot of attention in the form of hugs, kisses, and verbal comfort."

To illustrate how this information can be used for analyzing a behavior problem, consider the following three examples:

Example 1:

Analysis:

It is altogether possible that Susan prompted Billy on purpose just to get him into trouble and to get a lot of parental attention.

Treatment:

Either ignore both Susan and Billy completely, or use the Stop, Redirect, Reinforce strategy.

Example 2:

Analysis:

It is not clear why Billy hit Susan, only that he did and such behavior is intolerable. There appear to be no ulterior motives on Susan's part. She was simply an innocent victim of her brother's angry outburst.

Treatment:

1. Briefly comfort Susan: "I'm sorry Billy hit you. I'm sure it must have hurt. You'll feel fine in a minute." Note: Don't carry on longer than is necessary to show your genuine concern, otherwise it could condition Susan to invite hitting so she can get a disproportionate amount of parental attention.
2. Take Billy aside and use the Teaching Interaction Strategy. Also, discuss the positive consequences of Billy controlling his behavior and the negative consequences if he chooses to hit Susan again. (For a detailed discussion of how to use consequences, see chapter 5, A Word About Consequences. Additional examples are provided on the following pages of this section.)

Example 3:

Analysis:

I would classify this as inconsequential, garden variety weed behavior, a classic example of no-account sibling rivalry.

Treatment:

Put the entire thing on extinction. If Susan comes crying in pain in search of comfort, the parent should say simply, "I'm sorry you chose to make Billy angry at you and got hurt. You'll feel better soon." The parent should then leave it at that. If she continues to seek attention, the parent should just ignore it and if possible get out of Susan's company entirely: leave the room, go into the bathroom and lock the door, or whatever. Without the parent present, the crying and carrying on will not last long, typically less than 2 minutes.

If Billy seeks redress, "Susan always calls me bad names and I hate her! How come you don't make her stop that!?", the parent(s) should briefly restate their expectations, comfort the boy and leave it at that: "Billy, in this house, we don't hit each other. I'm sorry she upset you. Still, no hitting."

I realize that these are examples of fairly simple behaviors. Still, overtime, parents can become proficient in recording, analyzing, and treating very complex behaviors if they will just take the time and put forth the effort to do so. I know a lot of parents who, if they spent as much time, concern, effort, and money analyzing and working on their children's behavior as they spend analyzing and working on their golf game, bowling skills, bridge playing, and TV game show quizzes, would soon become behavior analysts and therapists of the first order, to say nothing about how much more skillful they would become as parents, and how much happier, healthier, and more productive their children would be. As with achieving proficiency in any skills, parenting skills are typically achieved with some effort, but it is surely worth whatever effort it takes!

After the behavior has been carefully diagnosed, measurements have been taken of it, and it has been carefully described in terms of how it relates to its environment, treatment can begin. As with the doctor, that treatment might begin by visiting with the child and explaining your concern as parents. Assuming that the child is old enough to understand what you are saying (usually four or five years of age and older), you would begin by telling the child that you are concerned about the behavior and that something needs to be done about it. Again, if the child is old enough to understand, you would be very specific by referring to the information that you have collected. For example, it might go something like this: "Mary, we have noticed during this past week, that you have hit your little sister 12 times, and this has hurt her. We could tell by the way she cried that she was really hurt. Now you must never do that again. Hitting people and hurting them is not allowed in this home." When saying this, you are calm, kind, and in complete control. Like the doctor, you aren't going to rant, rave, and carry on at this inexcusable, horrible behavior!

Let's suppose, however, that Mary argues and says something like, "I did not hit that little brat 12 times this last week, and if I did she deserved it!" The parent should not react to that in kind. The parent shouldn't argue: "Oh yes you did, young lady! And we have the data right here to prove it!" And so on. This accomplishes nothing of value. Instead, you respond calmly, unemotionally, and in complete control: "We can understand you might be upset; nevertheless, you must not hit your sister any more." And at this point, you lay out in clear, careful, and understandable terms the prescription: "Mary, so long as you control yourself and are kind to your sister, you will continue to enjoy the privileges that are really important to you." This, as we have discussed earlier, will evolve into a discussion of earnable privileges: access to the bicycle/car, talking to friends on the telephone, watching TV, having a radio/stereo in the bedroom, and so on. "Now, Mary, tell us what we expect of you and what the consequences are if you meet or fail to meet our expectations."

It is important that you as parents know that the child is absolutely certain of your expectations and the consequences of meeting or failing to meet those expectations. Require the child to repeat those back to you and to continue to repeat them back to you until you are completely satisfied the child knows exactly what you expect and what the consequences are if those expectations are or are not met. Don't simply ask the child if she understands what you are talking about. It is very likely the child will protest and even cast aspersions on what is happening: "This is the dumbest thing I ever heard of. This is so stupid. You are treating me like a baby. I can't stand it." And so on. This is very typical, and it is important that you do not respond in kind. Rather, you respond proactively and stay on course: "Mary, let me repeat what we expect of you and what you can expect of us if you improve your behavior. First, you must never hit your sister again no matter how mad you are or how much you believe your sister deserves to be hit. You must never hit your sister again. If you control yourself and do not hit your sister you will continue to enjoy privileges you really like, including the use of your bicycle/the car, talking to your friends on the telephone, watching television, having your radio/stereo in your room, and so on. Now, Mary, repeat our expectations back to us. Tell us what we expect of you and what privileges you can continue to enjoy if you meet our expectations." Once the child realizes that you are not going to be drawn off course by her getting you into her argument, and once she realizes that you are adamant and are going to stay the course, she, though grudgingly, will repeat back to you what you need to hear. Don't be upset if she is surly and out of sorts. How she feels about it at the moment is really inconsequential. The point is, you must make absolutely certain the child understands what your expectations are and what the consequences are of meeting or not meeting those expectations. The best way of doing that is to have the child repeat those expectations back to you.

Once you are satisfied the child understands precisely what your expectations are and what the consequences for compliance are, then address the other side of the coin: "Thank you, Mary, for that response. You are exactly correct. We are really happy to know that you understand so clearly and so well what we expect of you, and what you can expect of us if you control your behavior. However, if you should lose control of your behavior and decide to hit your sister, you will deny yourself these privileges. For example, if you hit your sister once, you will have denied yourself the privilege of using the telephone for 24 hours. If you hit your sister twice, you will have denied yourself the privilege of using the telephone for three days, and you will also have denied yourself the privilege of using your bicycle/the car for 24 hours. Now, Mary, tell us what you can expect; tell us what privileges you will deny yourself should you decide to hit your sister." Then wait for a response.

As the days pass and Mary controls her behavior and doesn't hit her sister, be sure to acknowledge this self control. On the other hand, let's suppose that Mary hits her sister anyway, and the loss of the privileges just don't seem to be having any effect and she keeps on hitting. As with the illustration of the medical doctor whose first prescription didn't work, it isn't unusual for behavioral prescriptions to not work the first time. Typically, the rule of thumb is that if the first prescription doesn't work, increase the dosage; that is, apply a stronger prescription. In the case of human behavior, that would mean taking an inventory of those things Mary values very much and making those things contingent upon behaving appropriately.

It is necessary to give the treatment time to work. So often parents throw in the towel too quickly. We live in a world where problems are portrayed as being solvable in half an hour. It can take a long time to develop a behavior, and if it's a dysfunctional behavior, it can take a long time to fix it. We need to give our prescription time to work. Denying a child a privilege for a short period of time might be something the child can tolerate, so we assume too quickly it isn't having an effect; but if it's allowed to continue over a longer period of time, the child's tolerance will break down and he/she will likely begin to yield to the treatment. Parents tend to give in before the kids give out.

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Finding Effective Reinforcers

Before treatment is prescribed and put into effect, it is extremely important that parents carefully observe their children to make certain they know what their children value most, and to make a list of those things. By listing those things children really enjoy, we get a pretty good idea of what is of most value to them. These things typically go unnoticed by parents. Recently, I was working with the parents of a teenage boy. The boy was doing things the parents found to be very objectionable; things that were, indeed, too severe to just be ignored.

We tried a treatment which deprived the boy of some privileges. After about a week it was apparent the treatment wasn't working. By the way, we can generally tell in four to five days if the treatment is working. If treatment hasn't taken effect by then, it is probably time to change the treatment. And this is what we did in this case.

After visiting on the matter, during which time the parents were racking their brains trying to figure out what the child really valued, the mother observed that the boy was very anxious to earn and save money. He was a hard-working boy who had accumulated quite a bit of savings. This turned out to be the key to effective treatment. The prescription went like this: Whenever the boy behaved in an inappropriate way, the parents gave him a ticket, very much like a traffic ticket.

Tickets came in different colors, each one having a different value. The parents sat down with the boy, once again went over their concerns and reassured him that the behavior in question had to stop. That was not negotiable. They then told him that should he behave appropriately, he would continue to be able to do jobs around the house and earn money that he could then add to his savings account. However, if he chose to misbehave, it would be costly to him. And they used the word "costly." They pointed out that depending on the severity of the problem, tickets of different values would be given. This was all carefully explained.

Of course the boy objected vehemently, but the parents acted like a broken record and calmly repeated their concerns, described the consequences, and waited until the boy repeated back to them what was expected of him and what he could expect when either behaving or misbehaving. The parents didn't lose their cool nor did they allow themselves to be taken off track by an unhappy boy. They also told the boy that if he went a week without misbehaving, and for every week of appropriate behavior thereafter, a portion of his fines would be turned back to him. It was sort of like the option given to motorists who get a moving violation. If they go to traffic school, a certain portion of their fine will be forgiven. So, in this instance, the pill the boy had to swallow had a sugar coating and the medication was much more tolerable. The treatment worked. Of course, while the boy was behaving appropriately the parents were taking many opportunities to say nice things to him and to thank him for behaving so well.

There are so many ways one can cleverly approach the formulation of a prescription for treating inappropriate behavior. One couldn't possibly cover all of the facets of this in this chapter or in this book. However, with care and time, an appropriate treatment almost always emerges.

After you have tried everything you know to do and the inappropriate behavior persists, you might have to turn to a more intensive type of care and treatment. Sometimes our physical condition can deteriorate to the point where we need to be hospitalized. At times such as these, specialists may be called in and it might be necessary to place rather remarkable limits on one's activities to increase the probability that treatment will be effective. It is similarly so in the treatment of human behavior. Sometimes, a behavior will be so severe that it is necessary to bring in specialized help and to even have the individual placed in some type of treatment center where more intense, controlled help can be given. In this day of drug and alcohol abuse, we see an ever increasing need for this kind of intensive care. Behavioral problems that are a result of severe mental disorder should be treated in a more controlled environment by highly trained professionals. Though it is only rarely that this is the case, it is generally not reasonable to suppose that these problems can be dealt with adequately at home and without intense professional care.

Don't be too quick to assume that just because a son or a daughter behaves in a manner that is remarkably unacceptable, intense, highly controlled treatment is needed. Before seeking such treatment, remember: (a) give love, empathy, understanding, and compassion a chance; (b) turn your back on inconsequential inappropriate behaviors and turn your attention to appropriate behaviors; and (c) make desirable privileges contingent on appropriate behavior. Over the years, I have seen some very difficult behaviors change dramatically. Parents have come to me at wits end. There seemed to be no hope. They were ready to throw their kids away. They had lost any feeling for their children. They were feeling numb, defeated, and beyond hope. As one mother noted, "I took my son to church last Sunday and I gave him back to the Lord." Before giving your children away, and before concluding that they need hospitalization or institutionalization, try the other things first. Give it an honest effort. It's worth it and you will likely be surprised at how well it works.

If all else fails, there is still no need for despair. Let's assume that every effort has been made to save a child from the social, personal, and even physical destruction of his own behavior. What do you do then? What would you do with a child who was so badly diseased that no medical treatment known would be able to restore his health, and it was only a matter of time before the child would die? Would you throw up your hands, say woe is me, and abandon the child? Would you expel the child from your home and rid your life of him? Certainly not! You would still do everything you could to make life as pleasant as possible for both the child and you. And so it is with children whose behavior seems to defy all efforts to make it better. You become proactive in its finest and noblest sense. You continue to let the child know that he has value and that you love him. You continue to look for opportunities to be kind, gracious, and reinforcing. You look beyond, and simply ignore, those behaviors which are tearing the child's life to shreds, while making absolutely certain that you do not assume responsibility for the child's circumstances. That is so important.

Parents are so quick to assume responsibility for the misbehavior and the errors of their children. The first question parents ask me when agonizing over the misbehavior of a child is, "What did we do wrong?" In all probability they did nothing wrong, or certainly nothing so wrong as to account for the child's behavior. Just because the child has decided to jump off the deep end doesn't mean the parents should jump into a swamp of despair, guilt, and shame. In all of my years working with parents, I have yet to note a single instance where parental guilt, shame, or remorse has done any good at all to improve the behavior of children. Instead, by feeling hopeless, by giving up, by throwing their kids away, and by disowning their children, matters only get worse for both themselves and for their children. It never fails!

It has been observed that when children deserve our love the least, they need it the most. There is a lot of truth and a lot of wisdom in that. It is during these trying moments when parents must do everything they can to strengthen the bonds between them and their children, while at the same time letting children know that they (that is, the parents), though sorry for the behavior of their children, are not assuming responsibility for it. The children are old enough to know better and they know help is available, but if they choose to ignore it they will simply have to suffer the natural consequences. Parents will surely anguish, but they must not assume responsibility for their children's circumstances. The suffering is up to those who are misbehaving.

I have seen parental guilt, shame, and suffering destroy otherwise solid marriages. This is unnecessary. It is generally caused by parents being overwhelmed by their own sense of failure and inadequacy. They conclude that they are not capable of dealing with difficult problems in life. They see themselves as incapable and hopeless. These negative and destructive thoughts creep into their marriages, and having lost confidence in their ability to parent, they succumb to the notion that they can't even deal well with their marital problems. Before long otherwise minor, even inconsequential, annoyances in the marriage relationship become magnified and distorted and the marriage is dissolved.

The better way is to step back from all of it and accept the fact that in life, despite how well parents do at raising their children and how hard they try to provide them with a good environment, there are a lot of influences outside of the home that are incredibly powerful, influences which may be too great for the good influence of the home to withstand, and children fall to those outside influences. As painful as it is, we must be ready to accept this reality, but not allow it to overwhelm us as parents as it has overwhelmed the children. We need to be mature and step back and say to our children, "It is terribly unfortunate what you have decided to do with your life, but it is your decision and you'll have to live with the consequences. We are always here to be of whatever help we can, but we're not going to force you to behave otherwise. That's up to you. We love you, we will always love you. We recognize our mistakes as parents and are sorry for them, but we are more sorry for you that you have decided to do with your life as you have done. If we can ever be of help, let us know." It is not altogether unlikely when telling a child this that the child will lash back with verbal assaults: "You don't love me! You never did love me. Furthermore, I hate your guts. I don't need your help and I never will need your help. And as for your sorrow at being crummy, shove it! No one knows better than me what rotten parents you are, so save your breath!" And the kid goes stomping out.

Don't be intimidated by this. It is altogether likely the child was lashing out at the kindness that was being extended and was simply unable to accept it. We see this regularly with misbehaving children. When parents extend to their misbehaving children an increased measure of love and compassion, and extend to them the hand of fellowship and help, children sometimes can't accept it. It's too much. It sears their conscience, and they stomp off in a rage. If they do that, parents can almost always be sure they have made a positive impact on the child, as strange as that may seem.

As we observe the course of human behavior over time, it is typical that if bonding takes place between parents and children, once the child leaves adolescence behind and maturity sets in, the individual begins to view life in a different perspective, and the effects of bonding are realized. If the child (now an adult) knows that parental love is waiting on the other side of the door that he slammed shut in a fit of rage, he is very likely to pass back through it in search of that which he turned his back on earlier. I call that the Prodigal Son syndrome. Always remember, today is not forever. (This is explained further in Chapter 6)

By managing our own behavior as individuals, the odds are in our favor that in the long run-and that long run might take 10 or 12 or 20 years into the future-the relationship between parents and the wayward child will be back intact and everyone will have won. A mother of an older, wayward son wrote me a letter that illustrates this. She wrote, in part, "You said that you felt things would change, but they would not change overnight and I would have to be patient. I have been working on the positive and trying to overlook the negative, and it is working."

All parents make mistakes, obviously, some worse than others. I've listened to many, many parents recall in anguish their abusive, alcoholic, sexually deviant, enraged, ugly behaviors toward their children, and then ask in despair, "Is there any hope for me as a parent? Is there any way I can set things right and undo the terrible wrongs I've committed as a parent?" This is a tough question with no easy answers. A good, three-step approach to set the healing process in motion is as follows:

1. Openly admit, with sorrow but without excuse, your errors and wrongs. Don't dwell on them nor try to "get to the bottom" of them. Make it brief: "I have made some terrible mistakes as a parent for which I am dreadfully sorry. I apologize. I apologize from the very bottom of my heart."
2. Resolve to replace dysfunctional behavior with functional behaviors. "I assure you that those wrongs are behind me. I will understand your wondering if I really will change. I can't expect you to simply wipe away my years of abuse as though they had never existed, though that is exactly what I intend to do."
3. Get professional help. As has been discussed repeatedly to this point, since past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, without treatment, the probability is great that behavior will regress to baseline, i.e., back to the way it was before.

Intro ::  Prevention  ::   Endurance  ::   Treatment  ::   Diagnosis/Analysis  ::   Reinforcers  ::   Control  ::   Review

Control

Although a good deal is said about it throughout this book, I want to address again the concept of "Control." It should be crystal clear by now that I'm not advocating control in an authoritarian, negative, exploitive way. My good friends Drs. Bill Jensen, Howard Sloane, and Richard Young put it well in their excellent book Applied Behavior Analysis in Education:

The concept of "control," as it is used in behavior analysis, is often misunderstood. When a behavior analyst says that something "controls" behavior, all that is meant is that it has some reliable effect upon an individual's behavior. For example, for many people, rain clouds control the behavior of carrying an umbrella. If there are clouds in the sky in the morning, this behavior is much more likely to occur than if there are no clouds.

"Control," as we use it in the analysis and treatment of human behavior, assures the skillful application of precise and highly civilized methods which have one aim and one aim only: to improve the quality of life. If the word control seems harsh, I refer you to comments of Dr. Paul Chance, delivered recently at a national conference of behavior analysts:

Behaviorists talk about control, others about influence. But they mean essentially the same thing, though influence is softer.

It is also useful to think of control as management. But whatever term is used, the end product is the same, a better quality of life. There must never be any question about that! Perhaps the meaning of these terms, as they relate to treating human behavior, will be clearer by relating them to kinds of behavior being treated. Table 4.2 helps illustrate that. I've classified behavior into four types: A, B, C, and D. A-type behaviors are behaviors we as parents have a clear responsibility to directly control. Options to that are not available to responsible people. If a toddler walks onto a busy street, it is incumbent upon the parent (caretaker) to physically retrieve the child from impending danger. In this instance, the child is in the parents' immediate sphere of influence and the object of direct, hands-on control. It would be the only responsible thing for the parent to do.

B-type behavior is managed by the indirect control of those things which, in turn, directly control behavior. For example, a parent might not be able to force a son or daughter to do something, such as a chore, homework, and the like. It's at this point, as the child begins to grow beyond the parent's immediate sphere of influence, that parents begin to feel a loss of control. It is at this point that parents must think in terms of managing those things that will directly control behavior. These are referred to throughout this book as privileges, such as access to the TV, telephone, car, and so on. Put another way, the privilege is contingent on the chore or homework being done; hence, we call this contingency management. We manage the contingencies and they manage (or control) the behavior for us. When parents become skillful contingency managers -which is addressed repeatedly in this book- their fears and anxieties about being "out of control" diminish rapidly.

C-type behavior is behavior that is beyond our ability to directly control or manage, but is still amenable to our influence. C-type behaviors are almost beyond our sphere of influence, but not completely. For example, we might not be able to make a child do what we want, nor have available to us any contingencies (privileges) that are powerful enough to control the behavior; however, there is still a bond of love and respect between us and the child which allows us, through suggestions, modeling, and counseling to influence the child's behavior for good from time to time.

D-type behavior is behavior that is totally beyond our sphere of influence, in which event we are simply observers, hopers, prayers. A son or daughter is out of the home, on his/her own, has abandoned the family value system, and is beyond reach. At this point, it is incumbent on parents to think in terms of their own self-control, and to hope that the natural consequences of their child's behavior will have the influence they, the parents, don't have, but that these consequences won't be so severe that the child doesn't survive to benefit from them. (For example, being killed while driving under the influence of alcohol.)

I emphasize self-control. If parents get so caught up in or become so distraught about their child's seemingly hopeless circumstances, it can color their entire perception of life and can-and often does-lead to broken marriages, shattered families, and worse! Though it is so familiar as to be almost trite, the advice to "accept with serenity things one cannot change" is altogether applicable. For parents to allow the self-destructive behaviors of a child to destroy them is reactive behavior of the worst kind. Recalling the observation of my wife, "First we must control our own behavior."

Intro ::  Prevention  ::   Endurance  ::   Treatment  ::   Diagnosis/Analysis  ::   Reinforcers  ::   Control  ::   Review

NOW TO REVIEW

The keys to control are skills and confidence, both of which come with study, practice, and time. Practice, practice, practice. To help you practice well so that you acquire skill and confidence, I strongly suggest the following:

1. First, be constantly on the lookout for appropriate behavior and pay it off. That is the most powerful tool you have available to you to shape your children's behavior.
2. Ignore those behaviors which are benign, inconsequential, and trivial; those behaviors which will heal in time if left alone.
3. If a behavior must be attended to, attend to it calmly and with a plan, a prescription.
4. In instances where these other attempts have been exhausted, and you are still unable to effect an appropriate change in your children's behavior, you may need to seek professional help and to employ more powerful strategies.
5. Do not despair and consider everything lost if every effort to effect a change fails. Today is not forever. Do all you can through kindness, patience, and long suffering to keep the bonds of love between you and your children intact. Do not throw your kids away.