For Husbands and Wives/Moms and Dads

Intro  ::   Review

From time-to-time throughout this book, I've emphasized the need for parents to have a good relationship with one another since that has such a powerful influence on children. At this point, I am taking the opportunity to stress that. Whether parents are married and living together, or separated or divorced-in any event-children will be affected by their behavior. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, if parents behave themselves well, their children will tend to behave well. If the parents squabble and carry on badly, their children tend to do poorly. And in instances where children get caught in the crossfire between warring parents over visitation rights, financial support, and divorce court-appointed custody issues-well, that tends to be devastating to kids for a thousand reasons. When adults, in this case parents, behave worse than kids and the kids are trying to figure out what adulthood is all about-with badly behaving parents as their models-the consequences are predictably grim for the kids.

Parents, do your level best to love each other. If you need professional help to learn how to do that, get it. It's a lot less expensive than divorce lawyers. Learn the skills you need to be successful in marriage. In this day and age, successful marriages are almost certainly dependent on good marital skills. If a couple get a divorce because they lack the skills to make that marriage work, it is highly unlikely they will have the skills they need to make another marriage work. Divorce is not a skill-building activity. In fact, if couples in marital trouble would work as hard at marriage as they do at divorce, few marriages would fail.

I recall a talk show I recently listened to. The fellow being interviewed had been married seven or eight times (I don't recall exactly). The interviewer asked him, "What have you learned from being married so many times?" The man's answer was classic: "I should have made the first one work."

We have some really dumb notions about what a good marriage is, and almost no models of good marriage. The great love stories, whether in the classics or in fairy tales, never portray love in marriage. Such stories all end at or before marriage. Think about it. Romeo and Juliet, Snow White, Camelot, Beauty and the Beast, the Little Mermaid-the story ends, the curtain comes down at marriage, not in marriage. As some astute observer noted, "All marriages are happy. It's living together afterwards that causes trouble." Chaucer, in fact, ridiculed "courtly love" (love before marriage) and said it should end with marriage. So how is marriage portrayed? Badly, I fear. I'm reminded of the woman who said, "I never married because I don't need a man. I have a dog that barks at me all morning, a parrot that swears at me all afternoon, and a cat who always comes home late at night." I heard a cute story that was reported to me as true. A young man and his fiancé were attending a reception in honor of her great-grandparent's 75th wedding anniversary. Wanting to get his own marriage off on the right foot, the groom-to-be sought the advice of the great-grandfather. He asked, "Sir, what advice do you have for me as I am about to marry your great-granddaughter?" The old man motioned the boy to lean down. Whispering into the boy's ear, he said, "Don't do it!"

Though I doubt the validity of this next anecdote, in this context, it's worth telling. Another couple who had been married 75 years went to a divorce lawyer to dissolve their marriage. The lawyer plead with them to stay together, then asked, "Why get a divorce now after all these years of marriage?" The wife, in her creaky old voice, answered, "We wanted to wait until the children were all dead."

In sharp contrast to this is a remarkable event with which I am personally familiar. An elderly couple had two of their sons and their families over for Sunday dinner. As the father and his sons left the dinner table and were walking into the living room, the father fell to the floor with a massive heart attack. The commotion brought the others into the living room. The one son, a medical doctor, immediately tried to resuscitate his father, but with no success. Still kneeling at his father's side, the son looked up at his grief-stricken mother and said, "I'm sorry, Mother, Daddy's dead." She responded, "I cannot live without him," and fell dead at his side.

What's the difference between the two extremes portrayed here? Why, on the one hand, is marriage so badly represented, while on the other hand it is such a compelling relationship that one would willfully die for it? Certainly a thorough answer to that question is far beyond the scope of this book. But as simple as it might sound, as I study marital relationships and why some fail and some succeed, why some chug along, spitting and sputtering year after year, and why others liltingly sail and soar on one refreshing breeze after another, I have to conclude that at the heart of either is the matter of putting the needs of others before one's own needs. Marriages that succeed and sail find husbands and wives putting their spouse's needs first. They serve the other with all their hearts. They treat one another like kings and queens. Marriages that fail, or that limp along sick and wounded, are those where spouses regard their happiness as a function of how well the other behaves, and if he/she "would just shape up, everything would be wonderful." Well, folks, I hate to tell you this, but it just doesn't work that way.

Furthermore, the move to putting the other first almost always has to start with one or the other. Rarely do both husband and wife make the switch at the same time. One leads and the other eventually follows-in most instances. But it takes a while: days, weeks, sometimes months or more. Obviously, in some instances, particularly where abuse (of whatever type), neglect, and severe psychological/behavioral problems persist, the relationship may not only be intolerable, it might be potentially dangerous and must be dissolved.

But for the most part, in the great majority of instances, the problem marriages I work with boil down to "my happiness depends on your shaping up, so shape up or else." Unfortunately, "or else," sometimes gets translated by unstable minds to mean, "If I have to, I'll beat it into you." That notion has a long history in our system of things. I suspect you've heard the term "rule of thumb." Do you know its origin? It was apart of English common law, and later early American law, which allowed a husband to beat his wife with a rod no larger than the base of his thumb.

Between the dark side of its historical past, its trashy characterization in movies and on TV, and people's natural tendency to put themselves ahead of all else, is it any wonder that marriages drop like flies. And when they do, particularly where dependent children are involved, kids suffer.

My good friend, Dr. Glen Jenson of the College of Family Life, Utah State University, wrote a wonderful article entitled "Why and How to Treat Your Mate Like a Dog." He pointed out that a good way to improve your marriage would be to treat your mate the way a dog owner's manual recommends you treat your dog:

1. Reward your mate even for simple things.
2. Greet your mate at the end of the day with the same enthusiasm and affection you do your dog.
3. Don't punish your mate because the "pups" misbehave.
4. Allow your mate to choose his or her friends. You don't go around choosing your dog's friends.
5. Don't try to change your mate. The dog owner's manual would encourage you to give your dog the freedom to be the kind of dog he/she is. If he's a cocker spaniel you don't try to make him a pointer. The same goes for your mate.
   
6. Don't get angry at your mate for being tired. If your dog is too tired to play, you don't get mad at him.

"If you were to treat your mate like you should treat your dog," concludes Dr. Jensen, "your mate would probably receive better treatment than a good share of mates do." In the early 1980s, a researcher at the University of Maryland found that 44% nearly half!-of the people surveyed said that of all family members, their pet got the most recognition in the form of touch, look, word, smile, gesture or any act that said, "I know you're there." Only 18% answered, "the children." In a similar study by some University of Pennsylvania researcher, 80% of their respondents said they talk to their pets as people, and 28% confided in them about events of the day.

Perhaps if you're having trouble with your marriage, you ought to get hold of a pet owner's manual and study up.

As I work with couples having marital problems, in the vast majority of cases-not all but certainly most-the origins of the problems are trivial. Some little annoyance is nourished by selfishness and self pity until it grows and grows and grows into a huge wedge that divides and ultimately destroys the marriage. I recall the couple that were on the verge of divorce. They could scarcely talk to one another. They had lost affection for one another. Their children were suffering. Laughter, happiness, fun and good times had fled the home. After considerable analysis it was found that the origin of this awful circumstance was the husband's annoying habit of squeezing tooth paste from the center of the tube rather than from the end of the tube. It had become a "thing" with them. The wife angrily insisted, and he childishly resisted. Before long, the poison spread throughout the entire body of their relationship, and even began to infect (in fact!) the other family members.

One of my favorite stories (which I understand is true) is about a fellow who, one late evening, had a flat tire on a lonely country road. He was annoyed to find that the jack had been taken from the car, so he headed off to a distant farmhouse for help. "I hope the farmer isn't angry," he said to himself, "for being bothered." The further he walked, the more concerned he got about how the farmer would respond to his request for help. "Hey, wait a minute," he said to himself, "I can't help it. I don't mean to bother him. It isn't like I asked for this trouble!"

As day gave way to night, the downstairs lights in the farmhouse went out and the upstairs lights went on. "Oh, my goodness," the fellow said, "I've got to hurry. The farmer is going to bed. If I have to wake him, he'll really be angry!" So he hurried on.

Moments later the light from only one room was left shining.

By now the fellow was sure the farmer would be really upset at being disturbed. "After all," he said to himself, "farmers need to go to bed early and get a good night's sleep for the long day ahead. But I can't help the fix I'm in. If he gets mad at me-well, that's just too bad. I need help and he's the only one for miles around who can give it to me." And he hurried on getting more and more annoyed at himself, his circumstances, and, yes, the farmer.

Finally, the last light went off. Everything was dark. "Oh, brother, am I in for it now. This guy is going to be so mad at me. But that's just too bad. I have no other option. He's just going to have to be mad!"

At last, the fellow got to the farmhouse. By now his anger had gotten the best of him. He took a small stone and threw it against the farmer's bedroom window. Moments later, the farmer appeared at the window and, in a pleasant voice, called down, "Hello, how can I help you?" To which the enraged traveler, with clinched fist, barked back, "You can keep your damn jack," and walked off in a huff!

I see that same kind of self-inflicted injury maim and destroy otherwise healthy, robust relationships and families. It doesn't only involve a spouse, it can just as easily involve a child or children. It will happen every time if we, as parents, nurture annoyances, trivialities, and incidental, inconsequential, age-typical, garden-variety weed behaviors to the point where they simply crowd out, suffocate, all other forms of life.

No matter who we live or work with, there will always be someone or something that will bug us. Always! If we wait for all these someone's or something's to shape up so we can be happy, we will wait in miserable anticipation until hell freezes over.

Parents, here is some counsel you would do well to abide as couples as you set the course for your family.

First, show your children that you love one another. Be appropriately affectionate in their company. A great American religious leader, David O. McKay, said, "The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother." (Certainly, this is equally true for a wife to her husband.) Hold hands, kiss, sit close to each other. My mother- and father-in-law, well into their 90s, were young love birds at heart. At every meal, Dad would help Mom with her chair- "scooting" her up to the table. He would then kiss her and say, "I love you, Mother dear." Shortly before Dad's death, I walked into their house, unannounced. There, in the dimly lit living room, sitting close to each other on the couch, holding hands and talking, were Mom and Dad. What a model!

Second, verbally express appreciation and love for your spouse and the good things he/she does. I love the story of the old Scotsman who was burying his wife of 60 years. His friend said to him, "A good woman she was." To which the old man replied, "Aye, that she was, and I came near telling her so a time or two." You get the message. Louise and I have been married nearly 40 years. In that time I might have spoken to her harshly five or six times, and she's sick and tired of it! But I repeatedly and daily hug her, kiss her, and tell her I love her, and she hasn't begun to get enough of that yet.

Third, be happy. Smile, laugh, joke. Collect jokes and tell them to one another. Share humorous anecdotes. Let humor give spice to the relationship. Laughter is, indeed, an effective tonic.

Fourth, set some time aside to be alone. A night out, a weekend away, a stroll in the evening hand-in-hand. These quiet times together needn't be expensive. There probably isn't a marriage counselor on earth who doesn't have this one on his/her list of things couples should do to strengthen their love.

Fifth, never miss an opportunity to overlook your spouse's shortcomings. I've heard it said that when going into marriage we should keep our eyes wide open, but once married, we should keep them half closed. In saying this I realize that there are some behaviors that can't be ignored, in which case proper action should be taken. But for the most part, as I've noted already, it is the little things that we nurture into big things that are the greatest threats to happy marriages. I'm reminded of the mother who asked a wise man what advice she should give her son as he was about to enter marriage. He answered, "When he becomes unhappy with his wife, tell him to never miss an opportunity to keep his mouth shut."

Sixth, and last, be faithful to one another-absolutely faithful to one another. We are living in an age of sexual promiscuity that is killing our society by destroying families. Anyone who disputes that is either insufferably ignorant or forever "on the prowl." For the past 30 years, we have been bombarded with pronouncements of "the new morality," and "free love." Baloney! It is neither new nor moral; it is neither free nor love. No matter how it's sliced, no matter how it's portrayed, it is nothing short of a selfish, undisciplined, uncaring desire to satisfy the flesh. There is not one shred of scientifically sound data that speaks to the value of sexual promiscuity-in or out of marriage-as a means of strengthening a relationship. None! Zero! On this matter, it's time, folks, for society to take a look at what the social research has to say, not what some self-serving, ego-maniacal, TV or radio talk-show host or hostess has to say about fidelity in marriage. Science, indeed, is a wonderful thing, but it is such an awful shame that it is being so categorically ignored in this vitally important matter. For all intents and purposes the sexual behavior of humankind is not being driven by knowledge, logic, or even common sense. Its being driven by unbridled, raging hormones that have been unleashed by a titillating media barrage of "If it feels good, do it." And, along with coercive, aversive, and abusive human interactions, it is striking a lethal blow at the very heart of the family unit: the marital relationship! Is it any wonder society is in the mess it is-and getting worse by the minute!

One of my daughters-in-law told me recently about a conversation she had with several of her fellow nurses. She was defending sexual morality as the better way to behave, in or out of marriage. One of the nurses replied, "I certainly wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without first trying them on. Why should I be any less careful in choosing a husband?" She was serious, by the way. Is that the level of commitment with which people should enter marriage today? A commitment that regards marriage as something one will eventually grow tired of, something that will eventually go out of style and be thrown away, like an old pair of shoes?

While attending a gathering of high school students who were discussing courtship, a young lady gave a wonderful talk on self-control, values, and the importance of waiting until the "right time" (meaning in marriage) to express one's love sexually. She held before her audience a slice of bread, spread with jam. She licked her tongue across the jam, handed the bread to a girl in the audience, and said, "Have a bite." Of course, the girl refused. The thought of biting off a piece of bread that had been licked was disgusting! She handed it to a boy and said, "Take a bite." He, too, refused, recoiling in disgust, saying "Yuck!" She offered it to the audience, asking, "Anyone here want a bite?" as she drew her tongue again across the bread. "Gross!" I heard one girl say. Someone else said, "This is making me sick!" This delightful young girl then said, "I am no more interested in marrying a man who has sullied himself sexually than I am in eating a piece of bread that has been licked by others," and she sat down. What a message. What a powerful, powerful message, the wisdom of which is supported by a mountain of research. Remember this: sex is a drive, not a need. Our personal responsibility to ourselves and to society is to satisfy our needs while controlling our drives. Society, at large, appears to have failed to make that important distinction and to deal with it responsibly.

Moms and Dads, teach this important value by living it. There is no better way. Turn off the TV when the trash comes on. Avoid literature and movies that glorify and create a desire for sexual gratification. You certainly wouldn't eat something that was laced with poison. Why, then, feed poison to your mind? If this shoe fits, wear it: clean up your life. It's never too late!

Intro  ::   Review

NOW TO REVIEW

1. Show your children that you love one another.
2. Verbally express appreciation to one another.
3. Be happy, smile, laugh, and joke.
4. Spend quality time alone.
5. Never miss an opportunity to overlook your spouse's shortcomings.
6. Be absolutely faithful to one another.