Living with Teenagers: A Better Way

Intro  ::   Control  ::   Intimidation  ::   Questions  ::   Teenagers  ::   Review

You don't have to be a poet to suffer. Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.
John Ciardi

For centuries theologians have argued over Isaac's age when Abraham took him to the mount to be sacrificed. The only thing they can agree on is that he wasn't a teenager. Otherwise it would have been no sacrifice.

Without question, the most stressful years for parents are when their children are between 13 and 20. Those years have been referred to as the age of raging hormonal imbalance. For what it is worth, they generally aren't any easier on kids than they are on their parents. We must keep in mind that we were once adolescents and were probably of as much concern to our parents as our kids are to us. My mother-in-law once told me, "God doesn't punish teenagers for their sins. He just gives them teenagers." Goethe said,

"Tell me how bear you so comfortably the arrogant conduct of youth? Had I too not behaved unbearably, they would be unbearable in truth."

Unlike Goethe, we parents are quick to forget our "conduct of youth," and what we don't forget, we trivialize by saying things like, "Oh that was just kid stuff. No big deal." Of course, it was that "no big deal" stuff that drove our parents crazy and it's the very same thing that's driving us crazy today! Like their parents before them (meaning us), youth remember selectively, and rationalize conveniently.

As I look back over my life, and consider which years I would want to live over, the adolescent years would not be among them. The immense and sometimes ruthless peer pressure, the expectations to behave like an adult but still be treated like a child, and personal uncertainties about my ability all combined to make adolescence an extremely difficult time. I often think of the song Maurice Chevalier sang in the movie "Gigi": "I'm Glad I'm Not Young Anymore."

Though the behavior of teenagers can be maddening, it is still up to us as parents to do all we can to make life as pleasant as possible both for them and for us.

As I work with parents who are having problems with their teenagers, their concerns and frustrations tend to fall mainly into two areas: a) being out of control, and b) being intimidated. Let's look at some specific things parents can do to be in control, and what they can do to avoid being intimidated. I also discuss some questions, and types of questions, parents should not ask; questions which simply cause trouble and solve nothing. In all, in this chapter I discuss being in control, being unintimidated, asking questions and talking with teenagers.

Intro  ::   Control  ::   Intimidation  ::   Questions  ::   Teenagers  ::   Review

Being In Control

With young children, control tends to be quite easy. If a child doesn't do what he is told to do, he is simply made to do it. If a child is leaving the house and the parent calls him back but is ignored, the parent simply goes after the child, picks him up and brings him back. Control tends to be fairly easy. But as the child grows older and bigger, parents can't do that anymore. They can't just pick the child up and bring him back. With adolescents, control is best achieved when the parents manage those things the children want. They make wanted things available on the basis of appropriate behavior. In this way, the things the children want do the controlling for you. For example, the use of the car can be one of those things that is extremely valuable as a management tool. Having the child's room cleaned might be quite valuable to the parent but of no value to the child, therefore the child resists cleaning his room.¹ Rather than badgering the child to clean his room, the parent simply says, "When your room is clean you can take the car." It's the availability of the car that controls the behavior, not you. It does the nagging for you.

It is important for parents to understand how their use of control must change as their children grow older. Chapter 4, On Being In Control, and Chapter 5, A Word About Consequences, speak to that dynamic and demanding relationship.

As my children reached driving age, I realized I had an immensely powerful tool with which to maintain control, and I used that tool liberally. The car was available under a few prescribed conditions which included (a) the car be driven in accordance with the law, (b) the kids put gas in the tank, (c) no classes were skipped at school, and (d) on school nights they had to have the car back by ten o'clock, and by twelve o'clock on Friday and Saturday nights. The positive consequences for meeting these conditions were that the kids were able to use the car fairly liberally. The negative consequences varied depending upon the offense. If they got a moving violation, they lost the privilege of driving the car for a month. If they skipped a class at school, they lost the privilege of using the car for a week. If they failed to get in at night on time, they lost the privilege of using the car for one week, and so on. (These, of course, were all spelled out in advance.)

There were other conditions which, from time to time, were also placed on the privilege of using the car, for example, getting the lawn mowed, getting their room cleaned, or getting their chores done. In a very calm, though businesslike and direct and pleasant way, we would tell the children that as soon as they got the task done, and done appropriately, the car was theirs. Of course, they would sometimes moan, groan, and carry on. They would assure us that if we would let them take the car they would get their jobs done just as soon as they got home. They reminded us with great passion that their friends were waiting for them and if they didn't leave soon they would be holding everybody up. They were the pivotal characters in this whole thing and they had to leave immediately! I never ceased to be amazed at the number of compelling reasons the kids were able to create to justify their immediate need for the car. Though we were not always as precise and consistent as we should have been, typically we were able to calmly respond like a broken record (with compassion, however), by saying something like,

"I can tell that you are really anxious to go. The sooner you get your work done the sooner you get the car and are out of here."

Of course there was a lot of stomping around, and a lot of silly behavior, and perhaps even some verbally inappropriate behavior. You just ignore all that junk and go on about your business and let the consequences-that you manage-manage their behavior. If they want to carry on and waste time, that's their business. You go on about yours and let them decide for themselves what they want to do with their time. The important thing is that you control those privileges that are so valuable and so important to them. It's also important that you are reasonable. Don't set mountains of conditions on top of every single behavior. I've worked with parents who wanted to set huge conditions on even the minutest details of grooming and dressing, of movies and records, and so on. This is counterproductive. It simply puts distance between parents and your children. Parents have got to use judgment and restraint and give their kids a chance to express themselves, even though at times those expressions might not be all that desirable.

I suggest that parents be careful about asserting themselves in too many areas, preferably, no more than four or five, which might include the use of the car, the completion of reasonable chores and duties around the house, being generally pleasant to live with, being home at a reasonable hour at night, and the completion and submission of school work assignments, including regular attendance at school. Once the children learn that reasonable and responsible behavior in these areas brings a lot of positive attention as well as a flow of desirable privileges, they will tend to behave appropriately in other areas as well. The major role of the parent is to manage this consistently and evenly. By that I mean that if the child behaves such that he loses his driving privilege for a week, the parent, in a fit of anger, doesn't come unglued, change the rules on the spur of the moment, and threaten to deny the kid the use of the car for a month. On the other hand, if the child has deprived himself the privilege of the car for a week because he skipped school, the parent must not cave in two days later and let the child take the car as though nothing unacceptable had happened.

Suppose the child has lost his driving privileges and a few days later comes to Mom with a tender, repentant, humble, heartfelt plea for the use of the car. (Of course, the request is linked to a life-or-death situation!) The mother must respond calmly and according to plan:

"Gee, Son, I can tell you are really going through a lot of misery over the loss of your driving privileges. I am terribly sorry about that. I know how anxious you are to be able to start driving the car again and I'm happy that privilege is going to be yours again in a few days."

Then let it go at that. True, the kid might stomp off angry, mouthing off, slamming doors, hitting the wall, pounding his feet, and so on. You may have already experienced these kinds of behaviors and know exactly what I mean. But you are not intimidated by that. The kid has gotten the message and you are in control! And that is so wonderful! I recently worked with a couple who were having a great deal of trouble with their 17-year-old son. And it was no wonder! We developed plans and set conditions, but almost immediately the parents caved in. Before you knew it the kid was running around town on his motorcycle, spending money at will, and coming and going as though nothing at all was the matter. The parents felt they were completely out of control, and they were! They refused to exercise control; consequently, the boy got everything he wanted. In fact, it had gotten to the point where the parents simply gave him what he wanted just to get him out of their hair. Nobody wins in this kind of situation. The parents have earned no respect from the boy and things are only going to get progressively worse. And why? Because behavior is strengthened when what follows it pays it off. The boy's obnoxious and intimidating behaviors were consistently being paid off; therefore, those are the behaviors that continued.

Intro  ::   Control  ::   Intimidation  ::   Questions  ::   Teenagers  ::   Review

Being Unintimidated

Teenagers can be menacing if they want to be. They will sometimes resort to almost primitive kinds of behavior to get their way. (This is understandable since they are still in the process of becoming civilized.) Menacing gestures, abusive language, throwing things, stomping their feet as they roar out the door (slamming it behind them), threatening facial gestures, and so on. They resort to these kinds of things because they are afraid they are not going to get their way-even though, in their hearts, they know they shouldn't get their way, knowing full well that what they are doing is childish, foolish, and irresponsible. That's the curious thing about it. They are old enough to know better, but too immature to do otherwise. So they expect their parents to do the controlling for them! Many teenage boys and girls have told me how disappointed they are in their parents when they cave in to adolescent outrage. As I noted earlier, one of my daughters maintains a vivid recollection of an experience from several years ago when she was a teenager and how disappointed she was in me when I wimped out and let her have her way when she knew she shouldn't have gotten it. All the while as she was carrying on, she was hoping I would say "No." When I gave in and let her have her way, she was so disappointed in me. Children appreciate it when we as parents are in control. When we resist their attempts to intimidate us, we earn their respect.

Let's look at some specific instances where a son or daughter might try to intimidate a parent, and how those situations can be handled.

One of the most common ploys children use to get their way-once their parents can no longer physically constrain them-is to say something like,

"I'm going to do it and you can't stop me!"

Rather than try to show them you can physically stop them (for this could very well result in disaster!), remain calm, look the youngster right in the eye, all the while maintaining a pleasant and controlled expression and say,

"You're right. I can't stop you. But before you do it, you might want to count the cost. What do you stand to lose by doing it?"
Note: Do not invite a discussion unless you are absolutely certain it will proceed reasonably and calmly. Do not get into a discussion that is likely to turn into an argument or a shouting match. This will accomplish nothing. Rather, simply say,
"Go to your room and think it over. Come back in a half hour or so after you've had a chance to think it over and let's talk about it then."

It is a good idea, whenever possible, to use time to your advantage (see Chapter 6). By putting time between an emotionally charged situation and a decision, it is more likely that the decision will be reasonable. Doing this will typically result in one of three actions. First, the child might very well decide against doing whatever he or she was about to do. If this happens, simply drop the matter there and say,

"Thanks. That's super. I'm proud of you for such mature behavior."

Then give the child a hug, or in some other way warmly express your appreciation. On the other hand, the child might return to work out a compromise. This is fine, assuming that everyone's emotions are in control and a reasonable compromise can be struck. For example, let's say the argument is over how late the youngster can stay out at night. A reasonable compromise might be made to adjust the time by half an hour or so. But remember, you will never be successful in achieving a reasonable compromise when emotions are highly charged and when there is a lot of anger. You are simply better off dropping it and waiting until everyone's emotions are under control. You might even say, "I can't discuss this now. There is too much anger. Let's get back together in an hour," or something to that effect.

There is the possibility that the child will simply disregard any suggestion on your part and go stomping off and do whatever he was going to do anyway. If this occurs, make sure that the child experiences the consequences which have been earned.

Another form of intimidation frequently used by teenagers is the threat of leaving home.

"I'm going to get a place of my own. I can't stand living in this dump any longer!"

Again, don't allow yourself to get into a dither or an argument over whether that's a good idea or a bad idea, or whether or not the kid can make it on his own. Rather, suggest something like this,

"Well, okay, but before you do, let's talk about some important things about living away from home. If you're going to strike out on your own, there are some things you need to know. We don't want you to get hurt."

This puts the problem right back in the kid's lap, while showing that you are concerned about his welfare. However, despite your well chosen words and empathy, he might not be in the mood to accept them; he might respond angrily by saying something like,

"You don't care what happens to me. If you cared about me, you wouldn't make my life so miserable!"

To which you would say, simply,

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Then leave it at that. If the child insists that he is leaving, be prepared to talk very calmly as one adult to the other about what it costs to live away from home. You might show him some of the bills you have to pay every month. I'm reminded of the time our oldest daughter decided she wanted to live in her own apartment. She was tired of being the oldest in a family of six kids. She was working at a drive-in and earning a salary that she thought she could certainly afford to live on. We sat down together one evening with paper and pencil and a stack of bills and counted the costs of living away from home. After an hour of this very adult exchange, she kind of smiled, looked at me and said, "I guess home isn't so bad after all." And that was the end of that. This gave me an opportunity to say, "I'm glad you decided to stay. We like having you around," and the whole matter ended on a high note.

On the other hand, the child might want to think it over for a couple of days. This is fine. A couple of days of rational thinking about such an idea will almost certainly kill it, particularly if the child is given some information about the cost of living away from home.

If the child decides to leave, let him leave. But remember, he leaves at his expense! When he leaves, he must understand that he is making this decision at his own expense. This is not your decision and therefore you have no responsibility to support it. I realize there are some risks involved here. We're talking about a risky time of life, but the odds are that if the child leaves home at his own expense, he will be back within a couple of weeks, and in a mood to work things out. If the child leaves home, be emotionally upbeat. Smile, give him a hug, say goodbye, tell him to drop by or call, and let you know how things are going, since you are concerned about him. Ask him to leave you a telephone number so you can stay in touch. Treat the situation the same way you would treat any of your children who are leaving home to establish their own place in the world. Be upbeat, happy, and hopeful. This could be the child's first great opportunity to learn about independence. I realize we are living in a more dangerous time, one where drugs, sexual promiscuity, and sexually transmitted diseases are rampant. It is only natural for parents to worry that their children might fall victim to these things. But trying to force them to stay home is by no means a sure defense against the slings and arrows of a troubled world.

Let's look now at some of the realities of living away from home. There is more to leaving home than just having enough money to support oneself. There is the loss of family companionship and the loss of familiar surroundings. There is the loss of the conveniences of living at home: a refrigerator and cupboards full of food, clothes washed and ironed and neatly put away in dressers and closets, the availability of a radio, a television, a stereo. All of these things are missed, and typically they are missed quickly.

Another thing that parents have working for them in getting their children back home is the unfamiliarity and lack of certainty about their away-from-home environment.

People in that new environment are not as predictable as members of the family. Moods are not the same. The kids are less comfortable expressing their moods in that new environment. At home they can explode and be out of sorts and still be loved. But as a guest in someone else's home or living with roommates, they can't get away with that kind of junk. They feel less at ease to go to the refrigerator or into the cupboards for food, or to arbitrarily change the channel on the television, or put a tape in the stereo. A kid isn't in a new environment very long before he realizes just how much he walked away from.

What parents typically experience is that the youngster will leave home (I prefer to call this bolting rather than running away) and be gone for a few days and not a word is heard. Of course, parents are anxious during these few days and envision all sorts of terrible things happening. Those visions are usually exaggerated. In a few days, the child will very likely call home. The call will generally be a pleasant one where the kid asks how things are going, how the dog is doing, what's new around the house, and so on. When this happens, be very pleasant and upbeat. Visit on the telephone pretty much as you would visit with another son or daughter who was "legitimately" on his/her own. Be sure to end the telephone conversation with a note of appreciation for the call and an invitation to drop by and visit any time. Don't invite the child to move back home!

Shortly after this telephone conversation, the child will very likely drop by the house and survey the kingdom that he abandoned a few days earlier, a survey which will typically increase the desire to be back home. This sort of posturing will continue for a little while, often resulting in hints on the kid's part that he'd like to come back home. As a parent, you would want to assure the child that that would be fine. But don't fall all over yourself with enthusiasm. Keep it all very even and calm. (Such a circumstance does not meet the conditions of the Prodigal Son Syndrome!)

When the child is back home, a good opportunity has been provided to sit down and discuss the problems that led to the departure in the first place. Negotiations are easier. It also gives you a chance to reiterate the value system of the home and the conditions that must be met by those who live under your roof. With teenagers, particularly older teenagers, negotiations are fine so long as they don't destroy the value system of the home nor undermine the parent's position of leadership and control.

The longer you can keep your children at home during these adolescent years the better! Do not throw your kids away! Do not encourage them to leave. It's for this reason that I have spent so much time talking about kids leaving home. In the long run, everyone is much better off if you are willing to put up with some of the stress, strain, and junk behavior that go with kids' growing up. Those additional years at home will give you time to bond to your children and give the kids time to learn necessary survival skills. Either way, whether they stay or leave, there is going to be some pain and discomfort, maybe even misery and agony. But generally in the long run, everyone is better off if the family can be kept together while kids are in their adolescent years.

In my years of working with families whose teenagers have threatened to run away or leave home, and who have left home, in every instance where the parents took a reasonable, in-control position, their kids were back home within a couple of weeks, things at home became better because of it, and in the end things worked out pretty well. But in those situations where kids are kicked out of their homes, or leave home unprepared to support themselves adequately, the lives of everyone-parents and children-are miserable. There is a price to be paid in child rearing. We either pay it for a little while up front, or for a long while after adolescence.

I am absolutely convinced, all things considered, that up to young adulthood, the vast majority of children would rather live at home than away from home. Sure, there will be bad days when they'll want to be gone, and you'd like to have them gone! But those days pass quickly. One of the tenderest moments of my wife's and my parenting years came when our oldest daughter was 7 years old. It was a summer Saturday and Louise and I were working in the yard. Karen wanted something she couldn't have, and went off in a huff. After about an hour, we realized we hadn't seen her for a while, so I went in the house to see what she was up to. There was no Karen, but on the kitchen counter was this note:

Dear Mommy and Daddy.
I have ran away. I am at Vickie's. Call me when you feel to cry.
Karen

Another form of intimidation that an angry teenager might turn to is the threat of physical violence. The child threatens to hit others in the family with the intent of hurting them, or threatens to damage property. Of course, this simply can not be tolerated! This is a risky situation and one which might be so complex as to not be easily resolved, but if it does occur, and there is a threat that the child really will be violent, let the child know that if he elects to behave in a violent way, you will need to call the police and you will press charges. Assault and battery is no more excusable at home than it is on the streets. If a child can't be physically restrained and carries out his threats to hurt someone through physical assault, and particularly if there is some notion that the behavior might recur, then as parents you should call the police to intervene. Children should know that that is no idle threat!

If you have to defend yourself physically, do so short of striking back. Don't get into a physical exchange of blows. This does nothing but encourage the child to lash out even more viciously and with more determination. If possible, leave the house and make your way to a safer environment. Let the child know that you are not going to respond in kind. He might be out of control and behaving in a very stupid way, but you are in control and behaving rationally. That is the message you need to deliver. The other message you need to deliver is that violent, irrational, stupid behavior carries with it severe consequences.

I'm reminded of a situation where a family feared that a 17-year-old son would sometime soon become violent and could be dangerous. We role played how they would respond if that occurred. Shortly after, the parents' worst fears were realized one night when the boy came home angry and was about to take it out on his parents. The father gently raised his hand as a signal to the boy to stop, as we had role played, and said in an authoritative, bold, though controlled voice (no shouting!):

"Stop! It's obvious you are very upset. Before you hit anyone you need to know what we are going to do. We will call the police and we will press charges! You will spend time in the juvenile detention center, and you will suffer the full consequences of the law. Furthermore, you will lose every privilege this home has to offer, including the use of the car, telephone privileges, and so on! Now, before you hit anyone or do anything for which you'll be sorry, go to your room and think it over. We will be here to talk things over when you return."

The parents then stood there calmly looking the boy straight in the eye. Silence fell over the room. The boy realized that he was not intimidating his parents in the least. They had a plan to deal with his inappropriate behavior. They were in control. He had no plan for dealing with the consequences of his behavior. He was out of control. Everyone just stood there looking at each other. The parents were firm and composed. The boy was angry and trembling. After what seemed to be a long time-but in reality was only a few seconds-it became obvious to the parents that the boy had run out of steam, and was not going to follow through with his threats. The father lowered his hand, and in gentle tones said,

"I'm sorry you've had a bad day, Son. I'm sorry you're upset. Go to your room now and regain your composure. Then let's talk about it in the morning."

He then walked over to his son, put his arms around him, gave him a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and told him that he loved him. The mother did the same. The boy went to his room and that was the end of any subsequent threats of physical violence.

The key to dealing with intimidation is to predict the kind of intimidation your teenager might use on you, prepare a response, and practice that response. Remember, your response must find you in complete control, must demonstrate to the child that you are not about to be intimidated, and should the child behave inappropriately, the consequences will fall squarely on the child.

Remember also, don't try to get to the root of the child's problem, hostilities, and anxieties until after the child is calm and in control. The time to talk about the problems that give rise to intimidating behaviors is not at the time those behaviors are being exhibited. The time to talk about those anxieties and frustrations is when the child is able to talk about them rationally and calmly.

Intro  ::   Control  ::   Intimidation  ::   Questions  ::   Teenagers  ::   Review

Asking Questions

Let's talk again, briefly for emphasis, about asking questions of teenagers. It is not at all unusual for parents to ask teenagers questions which simply set the parents up for trouble. As children grow older, it is interesting to observe the changes that take place in how parents talk to them. Verbal interactions between parents and their teenage children tend to become basically functional. Rather than just "shooting the breeze" with their children, their verbal interactions are almost always related to getting incriminating information about what kids are up to: "Where have you been?"; "Where are you going?"; "Why did you do that?"; and so on. My advice to parents is that though it may be necessary from time-to-time to ask these kinds of questions if information is needed for problem solving, parents should more often spend a great deal of time just chatting with their kids. This provides a wonderful opportunity for children and their parents to keep getting acquainted. It's wonderful for bonding! I recently attended the funeral of a very dear friend of mine. His oldest son, who was out of the country and unable to return for the funeral, wrote a touching letter to his father in which he spoke of the many wonderful times they spent "just talking about things."

When asking questions of teenagers, be careful to not ask questions that make things worse. For example, consider the question, "How many times have I told you to hang up your clothes?" This question only makes things worse because even if it can be answered, nothing has gotten better. The youngster can reply, "You're going to have to tell me 20 more times." The kid has answered the question, but the clothes are still not hung up. Furthermore, things are even worse because the parents are angrier. The kid is seen as a smart-mouth brat! Rather than asking a question, make a statement of your expectations and then let the consequences get the job done for you. For example, rather than asking the question "How many times have I told you to hang up your clothes?" wait until the child does hang up his clothes and then acknowledge that; or, if the clothes aren't hung up, say something like, "Your allowance is ready once your clothes are hung up." Let the consequences do the nagging for you. (For a thorough discussion of questioning, read Chapter 8, Questioning Children about Their Behavior.)

The questions we ask our teenage children can go a long way toward improving or destroying our relationship with them. Think about the questions you ask your children and analyze the consequences of those questions. As I work with parents and children I am alarmed at the tendency of parents to ask questions simply as a way of needling and digging at their children, questions that fall into the category, "Have you quit beating your wife?" Don't ask questions that lead to further conflict or that open the door for disharmony between you and your children. Ask clean questions, questions that get at needed information for problem solving, not that deliver an angry message. It is not unusual for parents to ask questions that are not at all intended to get answers or information for problem solving. Rather, they are simply clumsy things parents use to say something that's eating away at them, to blow off steam!

Constantly look for opportunities to say nice things to your kids. Substitute questions with statements of your expectations, and leave the consequences to carry your message and to do your nagging for you.

Intro  ::   Control  ::   Intimidation  ::   Questions  ::   Teenagers  ::   Review

Talking to Teenagers

A lot has been said, and will yet be said, in this book about how to talk to your children. As it relates specifically to teenagers, I want here to call your attention to a couple of particular points. First, as children enter adolescence they more and more find themselves in situations where they must make decisions on their own behalf. This is generally unfamiliar territory to them and they both need and want direction. Secondly, confounding their problems is their equally compelling need to become independent. For parents, it can be a real challenge to maintain balance on the fine line that separates their need to help children make good decisions and their need to help them achieve independence. Of course, since children will never become truly independent until they learn to make good decisions, the parental role in this delicate situation is compelling. As parents, my wife and I can recall many, many instances when our teen-aged children came to us in a quandary about what to do (they still do, for that matter, though they are all on their own!). Though in need of information and direction, they were also needing to hang on to, and even nourish, their so-called independence-as faint and fragile as it might have been.

Typically, in such situations, it's best to avoid telling children what they should do; rather , create a "for your consideration" setting as follows:

I suspect you get the drift of what I'm proposing. An open-door policy to talking provides us with unlimited opportunities to have a maturing influence on our teenagers. That puts us both on the same side of the issue, the problem solving side. It's a great way to model maturity, the importance of which is nicely addressed by Roger and Carol McIntire in their excellent book Teenagers and Parents:

The effects of modeling should not be underestimated. The conversation of the moment may mislead parents to think they have no influence through modeling. But most school teachers will tell you that they are amazed at the similarities between the students and their respective parents. Parents are the constant models for their sons and daughters. If we want them to respect us, speaking and acting in ways that show consideration for their needs and capabilities will produce respect in return.

Parents often ask me what the warning signals are they should look for that would tell them their teenagers are in harm's way. I've classified behaviors into three areas: (1) threatening, (2) unreasonably (3) annoying/distracting, and (4) normal garden variety weed behaviors. You might find this useful.

Intro  ::   Control  ::   Intimidation  ::   Questions  ::   Teenagers  ::   Review

Now To Review

1. Being in control means that you must first be in control of yourself, and then in control of those things your children want and value. You must learn to be calm, even when tempers are flaring. You must have a plan by which the privileges you control do the controlling for you. Remember, with older children you can no longer directly control their behavior.
2. When teenagers say or do intimidating things, remain composed, be empathetic and understanding, remain firm and composed, have a well thought-out and rehearsed plan and, stand your ground. Do not try to physically control the behavior of a teenager unless you know for certain that it will not get out of hand. If a child does get physical to the point where it is harmful to you or others, call for help and let the child know you will press charges.
3. Use time to help cool things down. Put time between an emotional situation and a response. That helps cool things down so that a reasonable solution can be reached. Never try to work through a problem when emotions are high.
4. Avoid asking questions that are either going to create problems between you and your children or are simply a means of blowing off steam. Questions should only be asked to get information that is needed for problem solving. They should not be loaded down with a lot of useless emotional baggage.
5. Take an open-door policy to talking with your teens. The key to good talking is good listening. And telling is almost always counterproductive, or useless at best. There is probably nothing that is so immediately doomed for failure than is an attempt to "talk some sense into that kid's head."

¹A messy, unkempt room can, in fact, be a status symbol. As one of our children once told me, "I wouldn't dare bring one of my friends into my room if it was clean. He'd think I was weird, or something!"
I am particularly fond of the poem by Oneita B. Sumsion in her book Moments in Motherhood: