Eliminating Tantrums

Tantrums, though among the most obnoxious behaviors of young children, are generally quite easy to eliminate. It is very important for us to understand that tantrums are a behavior children learn as a result of the attention given to them when they don't get their way. It is a dramatic way of getting attention. When a child tantrums, he is, as it were, pulling out all the stops by screaming, crying, falling on the floor, kicking and flailing arms and legs, and is almost impossible, in the minds of most parents, to ignore. Parents typically regard a tantruming child as unmanageable. They feel like they are the victims of the child's behavior and will do almost anything to stop it.

Tantrums are nearly always caused by a child not getting what he wants. Anyone who has had a child who tantrums knows full well what I'm talking about. A child asks for something (regardless of whether it's at home, at church, in the grocery store, at grandpa's and grandma's, or wherever) and is refused. Over a period of time, he has learned that if he behaves in a dramatic way-typically by crying, screaming, and falling to the floor-he will get what he wants; and as long as tantrums get him what he wants they continue, usually getting worse and worse over time. When children tantrum, we must be careful that we don't think some type of sophisticated scheming is going on in the child's mind, that the child is saying, "Ah hah, now I know how to control my parents. All I have to do to get my way is to rant and rave and eventually they will cave in and I'll win!" The child has learned to tantrum through conditioning, not through logic or reason. It works like this. A child wants something: a candy bar at the grocery store, a cookie right before dinner, to go outside and play when the weather is bad, or whatever, and the request is denied. But from many experiences, the child has learned that by putting up a fuss, he gets his way. Consequences shape behavior!

Determined to not let the child get his way all the time, parents will often hold out only to find that the child becomes even more dramatic and less able to be ignored. Finally, the parents "can't take it any longer," so they give the child what he wants. This becomes a short-term solution to a problem that only gets worse. As time passes, the parents become more and more resolved that they are simply not going to let this kid get his way, so they hold out for longer and longer periods of time, then eventually cave in. This, of course, conditions the child to become even more dramatic, more bizarre, and more determined in his behavior. Rather than just crying and tugging at one's leg, the child throws himself on the floor, kicking, screaming, and flailing his arms! The parents can't take it any longer and they give in before the child gives out. Once again the child has successfully managed the environment to his own satisfaction. Since the parents find that short-term relief is better than no relief at all, they decide it is just better to give the kid his way and hope he will grow out of it. Both of these decisions are wrong. Giving the child his way is certainly not in his best interest, and he probably isn't going to gracefully grow out of it; rather, the behavior simply takes a different form and becomes even less manageable as the child grows older. (Adults have tantrums too. They are a bit more sophisticated, but they are tantrums nonetheless!)

As children enter school, tantrums interfere with learning and instruction. In a study reported in 1991, researchers at the State University of New York found that teachers, when attempting to instruct kicking, screaming, and biting children, attempted far less instruction with them than with "normal children." Also, teachers were less likely to invite children who tantrum to participate in instructional activities: calling on others to answer questions and participate in class discussion. In all, teachers spent 40% less time instructing problem children, and involved them 42% less in instructional activities, than they did non-disruptive children. Eliminating tantrums as quickly as possible is, from any perspective, in the child's best interest.

As I have already mentioned, tantrums, though very dramatic and bizarre and sometimes alarming, are typically quite easy to eliminate if they are treated early and dealt with consistently. In fact, if a parent is alert, the behavior never gets started in the first place. But if it does get started, if it does get established, it can still be eliminated quite easily. Let's look now at how you eliminate tantrum behavior in several likely settings, beginning with the home.

Eliminating Tantrums at Home

The easiest place in which to deal with tantrum behavior is at home. In this regard, we need to look at the behavior from two points: 1) how to deal with pre-tantrum behavior (i.e., whining, begging, whimpering, etc.) and 2) how to deal with a full blown, well developed tantrum. Let's look first at how to handle pre-tantrum behavior.

1. Pre-Tantrum Behavior. Though whining, whimpering, begging, crying, and so on, are examples of what a child will do to get his way, they should never be reinforced. What I mean, simply, is that when a child whines, whimpers, cries and carries on to get his way, you must be absolutely certain not to pay that off by giving the child what he is whining, whimpering and crying for. Such behaviors should never, ever be reinforced. When a child whines, cries, and whimpers for something, say to the child in a calm, unemotional, fully controlled voice, and with complete composure, "You may not have that"; "Say that nicely"; or "Talk to me only with your best voice." If the child persists, call him by name, and say, "When you behave this way you may not be with me," and then firmly but gently lead the child to a time-out area, as described in Chapter 13, Using Time-Out. Don't do this in a jerking or angry manner. Be very calm. Of course, when the child is behaving appropriately, it is necessary to acknowledge that behavior in a very positive and reinforcing way. It must always be remembered that it is much better to acknowledge appropriate behavior, and to have appropriate behavior developed in the first place, than to have to remediate an out-of-control behavior.
2. Established Tantrum Behavior. The single greatest lesson the child who tantrums needs to learn is that mommy and daddy will not give in! He must learn that he can scream, holler, and carry on, but he is not going to get what he wants by doing so.

When a child uses a tantrum to get his way, the parent needs to immediately remove the child to a time-out area. This is done unemotionally, but with firmness, and without anger or apology of any kind. There must be no anger or frustration on the parent's face. The parent simply says, "When you behave this way, you may not be with us," and then remove the child to time-out. And this is done immediately, every single time a child begins to tantrum, and it is done essentially the same way each time so the child learns quickly exactly what to expect. This is called the "zero tolerance response." That means that a tantrum is never tolerated, even a little bit!

Before doing this, however, explain and role play the time-out procedure with the child so he knows exactly what to expect the instant he begins to tantrum. When time-out is used for the first time, the child will tantrum for what seems to be an eternity. (The old extinction burst bit!) That's all right, let him have at it. The key is that the parents go about their business as though the tantruming child didn't even exist. (This is called planned/purposeful ignoring.) It's possible that the child might carry on for an hour or more. He might stop for a few minutes to catch his breath and to regain some strength, then launch right back into it. The reason the child will persist this way is because he has been taught in the past that if he just keeps it up long enough, he'll eventually get his way. For the first few times, he will figure that it's only a matter of hanging in there longer. In fact, it is not unlikely for a child to become so exhausted while in time-out that he will fall asleep. And that's fine. Let him sleep-in time-out. Don't feel that you are being a terrible parent for allowing the child to tantrum for a long period of time. It might seem rather insensitive, and even heartless, but remember, the child has a lot of new learning to do, and this can be a long process. Whatever you do, do not give in before the child gives out! Remember, the behavior exists because it has been heavily reinforced in the past.

If the tantrums have not been severe, or of long duration, it might not be necessary to place the child in time-out. In fact, it might be sufficient to allow the child to carry on in your company, but to pay no attention to him while he's doing it. Just walk away. If he grabs onto your leg, free yourself with as little bother as possible and go on about your work. In fact, it's not a bad idea for you to leave the room and go where the child can't get to you, such as the bathroom or the bedroom. This is effective when, as I mentioned earlier, the tantrum isn't that disruptive, and when you are certain the child won't destroy anything when he is being ignored.

If there is any notion that being ignored will provoke the child to bite, destroy something, or hurt someone, then the child should be placed in time-out immediately. Breaking things and hurting people are behaviors that can be neither ignored or tolerated. The point is, you must put the child where he receives no reinforcement at all, and where he can do no harm to himself, to other people, or to other things. After the tantrum is over and the child has been quiet for about 2 minutes, go to him and say, "I'm glad you're feeling better," give him a hug and a kiss, then go about your business. If, at this moment, the child begins to tantrum again, gently place the child back in time-out and start the process all over again!

Here again, as I mentioned before, it is absolutely necessary that the child get lots and lots of positive attention when he is behaving appropriately, i.e., not tantruming.

Eliminating Tantrums That Occur Outside of the Home

Children learn quickly to generalize their behavior. What brings attention in one place can frequently be counted on to bring attention in another. Tantrums, as dramatic as they are, are a number one attention-getter in most any setting. A question parents often ask me is "How do I deal with the child who tantrums at church, at the supermarket, at the home of family and friends?" To begin, I advise them against taking a child to any of these places if it is likely he will throw a tantrum. Remember, it's a tough behavior to ignore, and if it is reinforced elsewhere, it will be just that much more difficult to get rid of at home-or anywhere. Rather, I would wait until his tantrums have been eliminated at home, and you have good assurance that he won't tantrum elsewhere. I realize when making this suggestion it could complicate one's life, and even be unfair to others. Nevertheless, if the strategies I have described earlier are used effectively, even if it takes a week or two to get rid of tantrums, it is well worth the sacrifice, inconvenience, and even lack of fairness it might cause, and it will certainly be in the best interest of the child.

Let's suppose, though, that the child does have a tantrum in another setting. For example, the child tantrums when he is dropped off at the baby sitter's or preschool. In a situation like this where parents don't have time to quiet the child, or to take the child back home to time-out, the single best thing to do is just ignore the tantrum, walk away and go on with your business. The sitter (or preschool people) should be instructed to pay no attention to the tantrum behavior, should leave the child alone (preferably off by himself), and should go on about their business until the tantrum ceases. If possible, in such a case, it would be well to establish a time-out area in that new setting. When the child has quit the tantrum, then he should be allowed to participate with the others as long as he behaves appropriately. Again, make certain that when he is behaving appropriately this behavior is acknowledged and is properly reinforced. He should be told things like, "You are having so much fun playing" or "You are so happy" or "I can tell you are enjoying yourself because you have such a big smile on your face."

I have seen parents drop a child off at the baby sitter's or preschool and the child begins to tantrum. The parents go through an agonizing ritual of trying to calm him down. This wastes time, it reinforces the very behavior they want to get rid of, and generally starts the day on a sour note for everyone. In such instances, parents are better advised to just drop the child off and leave as quickly as possible. And as they turn to leave, they should do so cheerily, with a smile on their faces, and a lilting, "See you tonight, Honey. Have a happy day."

If a child tantrums at a supermarket, at church, or at the home of family or friends, immediately remove him to a quiet, solitary area and leave him alone. If he will not remain there alone, take him home and initiate the time-out procedure. I realize there are any number of reasons why this might not be possible: you're a long way from home, you don't have transportation available, and so on. But wherever you are, if it is at all possible, remove the child to a nonreinforcing setting as quickly as you can. Think this all through carefully in advance and know what your options are if a tantrum should happen away from home. Ask yourself, "What will I do if ...?" Two good ways to prepare for such an eventuality is to (1) review and practice with the child expected behavior in advance, and (2) reinforce appropriate, nontantrum behaviors.

Reviewing and practicing expected behaviors should occur shortly before the child leaves the house. It would go like this, as the parent visits face-to-face with the child:

This strategy, with appropriate tailoring, can be used in preparation for going to family visits, church, the park for a picnic, or whatever.

If, at any time during such a dialogue, the child departs from your instructional intent, as I have noted repeatedly in this book, simply ignore all that and proceed with empathy, understanding, and the "broken record" approach. It works like a million dollars and is infinitely better than saying to a child, "Okay, we are going shopping and you'd better be good or I'm going to whip your butt! Now! Do you understand that!!?"

Reinforcing appropriate "intermediate" behaviors is a powerful way of stopping little inappropriate behaviors from accumulating to the point where there is a big blow up that degenerates into a tantrum, or any other negative behavioral episode. Blow ups, including tantrums, are typically the end result of a lot of smaller, "intermediate," behaviors that go untreated. A person doesn't die of lung cancer after smoking one cigarette. The lung cancer is the end result of smoking thousands of cigarettes. Though this is an extreme example, it helps make the point. If, as parents, we can effectively intervene at intermediate points, we can keep the end behavior from ever occurring. For example, suppose that when going anywhere of any distance in the car, the child ultimately ends up having a tantrum, usually after having been told "no" to several things the child did or wanted to do. A good way to keep the end behavior (tantruming) from occurring is to reinforce (using verbal praise, a smile, a touch, and so on) the child's appropriate intermediate behaviors:

Lots of these kinds of "intermediate" responses defuse what would otherwise be an emotional time-bomb just waiting to explode. We also refer to this as establishing behavioral momentum. You get the behavior going in the right direction in the first place, then keep it going in that direction.

As you consider these two strategies-review and practice expected behaviors, and reinforce appropriate intermediate behaviors-consider their worth in other settings as well. They can be applied very effectively in situations other than tantrum prevention, including playing nicely alone or with others, helping around the house, and getting homework done.

A strategy that has been reported by researchers to be effective for out-of-home tantrums involves the use of a hand-held tape recorder. Though most appropriate for older children, it is certainly worth considering by parents where public tantrums are particularly difficult to manage. The strategy is quite simple. The child is informed in advance that any tantrums out of the home will be recorded. (At this time, the tape recorder should be shown and its use demonstrated.) When the child tantrums in an out-of-home public setting, the parent simply turns on the recorder and records the event for later reference. Back home, in the presence of the parent(s) and the child, the tantrum is played back, and the consequences immediately applied-be it time-out, withdrawal of privileges, or whatever. Using this approach, the consequences of tantrums are linked immediately to the tantrum; there is no doubt in the child's mind what the relationship is between the behavior and the consequences. Just as reinforcers for appropriate behavior can be delayed, so can costly consequences for inappropriate behavior be delayed. If this strategy is used, it is important that tape recordings also be made of the child's appropriate out-of-home behavior, and these played back as well, followed by pleasant, reinforcing consequences.

Although this might seem a bit cumbersome, it is a good strategy for older children who tantrum, and should be considered as a viable remedy for a tough-to-deal-with behavior.

Again think of this as intensive care. If a person is seriously ill it may be necessary to dramatically alter that person's environment long enough for him to get better. If a child has a difficult-to-manage behavior like tantrums, it might be necessary to establish an intensive care arrangement, realizing that such an arrangement, if well managed, will be needed for only a short time. I can assure you that if the tantrum behavior is handled well at home (i.e., is eliminated there) and the child learns that he can't go places if he tantrums, he will have learned a new behavior. Furthermore, if he is properly given attention for appropriate behavior when not tantruming, he will not feel the need to tantrum. It is worth the effort!

NOW TO REVIEW

1. Tantruming behavior, though bizarre, dramatic, and outlandish, is simply a child's uncivilized way of getting what he wants, and can be remediated.
2. The instant a child begins to tantrum, attention must be turned away from him even to the point of walking away, or putting him into time-out. Use the zero tolerance model.
3. Regardless of how long the child continues to tantrum, he should be given no attention whatsoever. Furthermore, the child should be left alone for a few minutes after he has quit the tantrum before he is given any attention whatsoever.
4. When the child is not tantruming, appropriate behavior should be acknowledged and reinforced.
5. When it is necessary to attend to a tantrum, be unemotional, direct, and brief in your interaction. Say as few words as possible, have as little physical contact as possible, and don't mention the tantrum. Simply say, "When you behave this way you may not be with us," then take the child away from the company of others. If he has to be taken there kicking and screaming, so be it. Just handle it with as little show of emotion or concern as possible.
6. If there is a good chance the child will tantrum when he is away from home, either leave him home, or have a plan prepared in advance to deal with the tantrum in that new setting. For example, if you are going to visit friends or relatives, you might ask them in advance if there is a place where your child can be put for time-out in case he does have a tantrum. Whatever you do, prepare options in advance in the event they are needed.

What I have suggested here has been used successfully in many, many families. I know it works, but I also know that situations vary from family to family and child to child. But the basics are sound and apply to all families. All children need love, all children need positive attention for those things they do properly, and they all want and need their parents' support. I urge you to give them that support in a calm, controlled, precise, loving way.