Eliminating Lying and Stealing

"You can best reward a liar by believing nothing of what he says."
- Aristippus

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When children lie or steal, it isn't because they are liars or thieves in the moral sense of the word. They aren't moral degenerates. In fact, to most children, especially young children, lying or stealing isn't a moral issue at all, it's a functional matter: they are doing it for a reason. To them, a practical reason. As parents, we might gasp in horror and shock that our children would say or take something knowing full well it was wrong! To the child, the moral reality of the matter might very well be absolutely irrelevant. If a child doesn't tell the truth or takes something that isn't his/hers, it is important to remember not to deal with it as a complex moral issue. To do that puts an unreasonable adult burden on an almost moral-free childish behavior.

Having said that, I realize that the older a child gets the more lying and stealing become moral issues, and the more complex they become. But whether you are dealing with a small child or an older adolescent child who lies/steals, some basic rules apply.

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1. Never accuse a child

The following illustrates what I mean:

Parent:	"I know you took that money out of my purse. Now give it back to me right now!"
Child:	"I didn't either take your money!"
Parent:	"You did too take my money! And if you don't have it back to me in one hour, you're grounded for a month. And when your father gets home, he's going to give you a good spanking!"

Let's analyze this. Without solid evidence that the child had taken the money, an accusation was all the parent had to offer. True, the child may have had a history of taking things that didn't belong to him and denying it, but despite this, in this instance there was no clear, hard evidence that the accused did, indeed, take the money. Secondly, accusations never solve anything. The child didn't confess or express any remorse, and the money wasn't returned. So from a behavioral point of view, nothing good was accomplished. Third, the relationship between the child and parent was in disarray. The parent had not modeled a mature, proactive behavior, hostility prevailed, no groundwork had been laid to develop a trusting relationship, the relationship of one toward the other was adversarial, the parent was frustrated because he/she didn't have a clue about what to do about the situation, and the child "won" in the sense that the parent was worse off than he was: the parent was mad but the child had the money (assuming, of course, he took the money).

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2. Never question the child

Never question the child about the behavior, whether you know the child is at fault or whether you aren't sure. For example:

Parent:	"Mary, why did you lie to me about your homework? You told me you did your homework, but I found out today you didn't do your homework. I just don't know what I'm going to do about your lying. Isn't this ever going to quit!"
Child:	"Well, I thought I was going to get it done in time to hand it in, but something came up and I wasn't able to."
Parent:	"Are we going to have to go through this again? We have been through this very same thing a dozen times. How long is it going to be before I can trust you to do what you say?"

Let's analyze this one. In the first place, the question never brought an acceptable answer. No information was forthcoming that would help solve the problem of uncompleted homework or the problem of lying. The child's response was defensive not informational. The stage was not set for anything good to follow. Nothing was done that would either discourage lying or encourage getting the homework done. And lastly, as with the first example, the relationship between the parent and the child was strained. Nothing constructive nor potentially good came out of the encounter. The parent was still frustrated and angry, and the child had convinced himself once again that he was unfairly put upon.

Interestingly, teenagers often lie about their behavior because they have learned that their parents can't handle an honest answer, particularly in such sensitive areas as sex, drugs, and dating. If a child admits to being sexually active, homosexual, or experimenting with drugs, parents simply can't accept it. They hit the ceiling, blow their stacks, come unglued - they do just about everything except respond appropriately and therapeutically. So what's the safest route for the child to take? Correct! To lie. The practical value of this approach is far safer, from the child's perspective, than is being morally honest.

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3. Do not overreact

When a child lies or steals, do not hit the ceiling, come unglued, become verbally explosive, hit the child and so on. For example:

Parent:

"WHAT! You skipped school today by telling your teacher you were sick!? You lied to your teacher! That's terrible! What do you want to do, grow up to be stupid and dishonest! (And on and on and on and on...!")

Let's analyze this. First, the child got an immense amount of parental attention for behaving inappropriately. As I point out repeatedly in this book, behaviors that get attention are behaviors that are strengthened. In this instance, a massive amount of reinforcement was given to the behavior the parent wanted eliminated. All of the emotion and explosiveness served the wrong end. Nothing therapeutic or remedial occurred. The parent just blew off steam without accomplishing anything of value.

In contrast to these things you shouldn't do, here are five things you should do:

1. Respond proactively.
2. Make known your expectations.
3. Implement consequences.
4. Acknowledge appropriate behavior.
5. Model appropriate behavior.

1. Respond proactively

A proactive response is a controlled, mature, constructive, empathic, understanding, directive, therapeutic response. For example:

Parent:	"Son, I was sorry to learn today that you had not been absolutely honest with your teacher."
Child:	"I didn't say anything that wasn't true. My teacher is always saying things that aren't true. She is a bigger liar than I am!"
Parent:	"I can tell you are upset, Son. I only want you to know that it disappoints me when you are not absolutely honest."

Let's analyze this. Nothing was said that would create an adversarial relationship between the parent and the child. No one has reason to get mad or to be defensive. The child learned of the parent's disappointment and that better behavior is expected in the future. The child also learned that more attention-hence, more value-was placed on honesty than on lying. The concern was definitely with the child and not with what the child did.

2. Make your expectations known

Rather than arguing with the child about what's right and what's wrong, or moralizing over what's right and what's wrong, simplify the matter by clearly stating what you expect of the child. For example:

Parent:	"When you say things, Son, I expect them to be true. What do I mean when I say I expect them to be true?"
Child:	"Well, you don't want me to lie."
Parent:	"Correct, son, that is a very good answer. Give me an example of telling the truth."
Child:	"When I tell you that I'm going to do something, I do what I tell you I'm going to do."
Parent:	"Very good. Please give me a real example of that."
Child:	"Oh, I can't think of anything."
Parent:	"That's okay. Help me with this example. Suppose you tell me you are going to do your homework as soon as you get home from school. What can I expect if you tell me that?"
Child:	"That I'm going to do my homework."
Parent:	"That's right. You tell me you are going to do your homework and then you do your homework. That is an example of being honest, and that's what I expect of you. I expect you to be an honest boy. I love you, Son."

Let's analyze this one. The child has learned, in an atmosphere that is completely under the gentle, mature, control of an adult, what is expected of him. An appropriate adult behavior has been modeled. (What a great teaching tool for when that child becomes a father!) The father's point has been driven home gently in a role-playing situation which removes any doubt from the child's mind about what is expected of him. He has been involved as a member of the problem-solving team. And lastly, all during the encounter, everything was positive. The father used lots of praise statements. Rather than using the word lying, the father used the word honesty and focused on the positive aspects of the lesson. The ground work was laid for a solid and constructive parent-child relationship.

Implement Consequences

In instances where children continue behaving inappropriately, it may be necessary to implement consequences. Although I'm going to use an example here about how to use consequences, I refer you to Chapter 5 for a more detailed treatment of this matter.

Consequences, when reasonable and well implemented, deliver the message better than tens of thousands of words. They put the responsibility for the child's behavior squarely where it ought to be: on the child. For example:

Parent:	"It is very important for you to be trustworthy, and when you are, you will be able to do and have things you really like. What are some of those things? What things do you really like to play with, or what do you really like to do?"
Child:	"I like to play my Nintendo game."
Parent:	"Anything else?"
Child:	"Well, I like riding my bike."
Parent:	"You've named some really fun things. And when you are trustworthy, you'll enjoy these privileges as you want to. "If, however, you take things that don't belong to you/say things that aren't true, you'll deny yourself these fun things. What do I mean when I say you'll deny yourself these fun things?"
Child:	"I guess I won't be able to play my Nintendo or ride my bike."
Parent:	"That's correct. I'm glad you understand this so well. You have really listened carefully. That's good. Thanks. Specifically, if you lose control, you'll deny yourself these privileges for 24 hours. How long is 24 hours?"
Child:	"That's a whole day."
Parent:	"Right. And that would be no fun. I'm glad you know what we expect and that you understand what will happen when you control yourself or don't control yourself. Which is better, to be in control or to not be in control of yourself?"
Child:	"To be in control."
Parent:	"Right! Good answer."

Then let the consequences do the talking for you.

I realize that some behaviors cannot be monitored, such as sexual activity. In such cases, parents have to allow natural consequences to deliver the message for them. They have to regard these as Type C or D behaviors and hope they can influence their children's choices through themselves remaining in control, by providing a mature model for how to behave, and by just hoping that in time their children will "come to their senses." It's tough, but that's the way it is!

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4. Acknowledge appropriate behavior

Whenever the child responds appropriately, warmly acknowledge this. Don't assume that being "good" is its own reward. To the child, being good may not be a rewarding or reinforcing experience. Sometimes, for example, being good means facing the music, and that can even be unpleasant. So when a child behaves appropriately, that should be acknowledged in a very positive reinforcing way. For example:

Parent:

"Son, you've really been in control. That's super." or "Son, you told the truth even when it was kind of hard to do it. I compliment you for this." (It might still be necessary for consequences to be applied, but under these conditions, it is done in a positive, constructive atmosphere.)

If a child has a history of "stealing," keep things secure so they aren't easily taken. Remain calm when theft occurs. Calmly, deliberately, and clearly proceed as suggested and illustrated here. Once the child realizes that favorable, controlled parental attention and positive consequences come with being honest/trustworthy, that's the behavior that will most likely be forthcoming.

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5. Model appropriate behavior

Keep in mind the adage, "I'd rather see a sermon anytime than hear one." Parents who fudge on their taxes, fib, tell half truths and "white lies" (whatever those are), and stretch the truth are modeling the very behaviors they deplore in their children especially when those very behaviors are used by children on their parents! A study by a professor at the Rush Medical School in Chicago revealed that the average adult tells 13 lies a week, and that the older teenagers get, the less they feel lying is wrong. These are behaviors that are learned. We as parents must be sure that we never teach that behavior through our example, nor encourage it through our interactions with our children.

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6. Teach appropriate behavior

Again, use lying and stealing as opportunities to teach children what is meant by property rights, what is meant by "yours and mine," and why it is in one's best interest to be trustworthy. Approaching such delicate matters as lying and stealing as a prompt to teach is far and away better than are flimsy excuses to verbally or physically beat on a kid. Rather than teaching a child to behave well only to escape the negative consequences for behaving badly, teach the child that there are positive consequences for behaving well.

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NOW TO REVIEW

1. Never accuse a child of lying or stealing.
2. Never question a child about lying or stealing.
3. Do not overreact to lying or stealing.

Rather:

1. Respond proactively.
2. Make your expectations known.
3. Implement consequences.
4. Acknowledge appropriate behavior.
5. Model appropriate behavior.