Dealing with Substance Abuse

"There is hope in the knowledge that despite the suffering it causes, drug dependence is usually not a death sentence or even a life sentence."
Harvard Medical School Mental Health Newsletter

Intro : : Basic Resistance Skills : : Encounter 1 : : Encounter 2 : : Scenario 1 : : Scenario 2 : : Scenario 3 : : Review

"All of the United States Surgeon General's warnings and anti-smoking messages aren't enough to deter teens from lighting up." So begins a report by the Centers for Disease Control study of 11,831 students in grades 9-12 throughout the 50 states, Washington, D.C., Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands, a study that showed that more than one-third of students within this age range smoke tobacco. Similar results are reported relative to school-aged children's use of alcohol and drugs (although, happily, there appears to be a decline in the use of cocaine).

As unfortunate as it is, children (like adults) are going to do stupid things. Children from wonderful homes who have loving, caring, and concerned parents are going to do stupid things just as children who come from less caring and less wonderful homes (though better homes and better families produce fewer problems). Again, it is largely a matter of probabilities, where the probabilities of children abusing drugs goes up as the home environment becomes less functional (high risk), and goes down as the home environment becomes more functional (low risk). (See Chapter l for a review of the variables that relate to risk.)

Though many families today are headed by a single parent, there is research which indicates that families can still be "low risk" if that parent takes an authoritative role (as contrasted with authoritarian) as the leader in the home. The point is, children need a leader who behaves like a leader and inspires a sense of confidence and respect. Some studies have indicated that the adult hero or heroine in a child's life isn't always a parent. An aunt or an uncle, a grandparent, or even a close family friend who is stable, dependable, approachable, safe, caring, and wise has been shown to effectively lead youth out of harm's way who would otherwise be at high risk of failing life's tests including the ability to resist the pressures to experiment with and abuse drugs. The research is clear: The family organization, like any organization, needs a leader. A leader is someone people follow. A person with a title is not necessarily a leader.

In families, the best leaders are those who are skillful at shaping an environment where it is more reinforcing to be with the family than to be without it. Behavior follows its consequences. If those consequences are more positive, inviting, and pleasant within the family, that's the environment children will most likely cherish above other environments. But when the reinforcers outside the home and family become more desirable than those inside the home and family, and when punishers inside the home and family are greater than those on the outside, children will leave home and family. It is predictable. It is lawful, in a behavioral sense. At length, the reinforcers for misbehavior become so potent (as is the case with substance abuse), that knowledge of, and even damaging and painful experience with, drugs is not sufficient to deter the children from behaving in ways that "earn" those destructive reinforcers. When this happens, they are "hooked." Remember, behavior is shaped by consequences available within one's immediate environment. Our responsibility as parents is to do all we can to create in our homes an environment that comes forth with an abundance of positive consequences for appropriate behavior rather than punishers for inappropriate behavior. It is a matter of people interacting well with people. (Children are people!)

In drug abuse matters, drugs are generally less important than are people. When people who use alcohol, tobacco, and drugs advise children not to abuse substances that are harmful to the body, the appeal falls with a thud on uninspired ears. When adults who have not bonded well with children and whose behaviors are coercive, aversive, negative, and unpleasant speak to children about the good life free from addiction to drugs, the message tends to ring hollow, even repulsive, rather than inviting. In fact, it is not unusual in such instances for the message to invite a child to do the very thing the words speak against. Being scolded, accused, and verbally harassed for even experimenting with such things is known to heighten a child's inclination to use them.

Typically, since they see themselves as invincible, teenagers are unimpressed with the signs that are posted all around them warning them of the dangers-even mortal dangers-of using alcohol, tobacco, and drugs. Certainly, being without these things, and therefore without their friends, is regarded as a much greater threat to their well-being than being with these things and therefore with their friends.

So what do we do as parents to keep our children away from drugs, and what do we do when they get involved with them? The answer to the first part of that question should be obvious by now: we do our very, very best to create a low-risk family environment. We laugh a lot as parents; we show our children by what we do and say that we enjoy life and we enjoy people; we model a life free from indulgence in alcohol, tobacco, and drugs; we build our children's self-esteem through frequent and repeated references to their strengths, their successes, their great value to us as human beings and as members of the family; we appropriately and affectionately touch them, hug them, kiss them, and tell them we love them; we surround ourselves and them with good literature, good music, and good influences that show how much we value things that promote healthy minds, healthy bodies, and healthy value systems; we are quick to acknowledge appropriate behaviors and to skillfully treat inappropriate behavior; we spend more time than money on them; we are firm and resolved yet gentle and composed when order must be maintained; we teach our children our expectations of them without trying to force or coerce them into achieving our expectations; and we portray to them an image which is sometimes bigger than life, an image they will look up to and respect and emulate. As I noted earlier in this book, one of the great tributes ever given to me by my children was when one of my daughters, in response to a friends question, "Is your Dad big?", answered, "Well, he doesn't look big but he is."

Intro : : Basic Resistance Skills : : Encounter 1 : : Encounter 2 : : Scenario 1 : : Scenario 2 : : Scenario 3 : : Review

Basic Resistance Skills

Certainly, to keep our children safe from the ravages of drugs, alcohol, and tobacco, we need to teach them the skills they will need when they are put in those difficult social circumstances where substance abuse is so inviting. You'll notice I said, "We must teach them the skills they will need." Teaching them only about the dangers of drugs and the horrors they will experience in life once they are hooked on drugs is simply not enough. Reason, logic, good sense, conventional wisdom, and all of those wonderful things aren't worth a tinker's damn if a child isn't able to translate them into avoidance skills. If the only thing we needed to be happy was to know how to be happy, there would be a lot more happiness in this world. The tragic fact of the matter is we all know more about being happy than we do about being happy; therefore, knowing is in itself not enough! Knowing is important, it just isn't enough. Research done at Utah State University, under the direction of Dr. Dan Morgan has identified nine "basic resistance skills" that have been shown to be effective in keeping children from succumbing to peer pressure to indulge in drugs.' They are:

1. Resist with a Reason
   • "I don't want to do that."
   • "My parents would kill me."
   • "I don't like the taste."
   • "I don't like the smell."
   • "I have a lot to do today."
2. Say "No thanks"
   • "No thanks."
   • "No thank you."
   • "No way."
   • Shake head no.
3. Use Humor
   • "I can't afford to kill any brain cells."
   • "I'm in surgery today."
   • "I have an appointment with the President today."
   • "My doctor won't let me."
   • "Santa Claus is watching."
4. Change the Subject
   • "Why don't we go to a movie tonight?"
   • "I'm going to the mall. Want to come with me?"
   • "Did you see the game last night?"
   • "No, let's have something else to drink."
5. Leave the Situation
   • "No" (and walk away).
6. Avoid the Situation
   • Walks into the picture, notices the "inviter," and walks away.
7. Ignore
   • Ignores the question altogether.
8. Be a Broken Record
   • "No thanks."
   • "No thanks."
   • "No thanks."
9. Putting Them Off for Now/Stalling for Time
   • "No ... not now."
   • "Naw...maybe later."

That's concrete. I urge you to teach these skills to your children through role playing. Actually simulate a situation typical of what your child might experience and have the child say the words he or she should say, as suggested above. I remember several years ago when our children were at home, my wife and I had a family meeting with our children to discuss, and to role play with them, what they would do if they were confronted with the temptation to use drugs. During the role playing with our oldest son, I bore down on him as though I was one of his peers tempting him to use drugs. In each instance, he said, "No," or "I don't want to," and so on. Finally, I said to him sneeringly, "What are you, a chicken?" There was a brief pause, then he responded, "Cock-a-doodle-do." Of course, the family cracked up at this absolutely marvelous response. A little humor, evoked by role-playing, taught a great lesson.

It goes without saying that even our best efforts, even our best role-playing activities, may not be enough. After all, by the time children are old enough to become members of peer groups where alcohol, tobacco, and drugs are being used, they are generally spending a good deal of their time outside of the direct sphere of influence of their parents. It isn't at all unusual for influences outside the parents' sphere of influence to be greater than those within. In those instances, children become very, very vulnerable and it is not at all unlikely for them to stumble and even fall. Some of them fall extremely hard, as noted in the November, 1989 issue of the Harvard Medical School Mental Health Newsletter,

Most people who are dependent on drugs use more than one. The vast majority of them smoke tobacco. Most heroin addicts have been, are, or will be alcoholics, and most people that start to smoke marijuana do not stop drinking alcohol.

That's a frightening scenario. The article goes on to point out that,

Most alcohol and drug dependence resolves itself without treatment, sometimes after many years of remissions and relapses. Dependence usually begins in the teens; and dependence that develops in youth often ends in middle age, as social responsibilities change and the full weight of chronic physical and psychological effects begin to be felt. Recovery becomes more difficult the longer the problem persists, but it is never impossible. At least half of alcoholics eventually recover ... heroine addicts break the habit after an average of 10 years. There is hope in the knowledge that despite the suffering it causes, drug dependence is usually not a death sentence or even a life sentence.

Although there is hope for those who become addicted, that hope is but a faint silver lining around a massive, dark, and threatening cloud of despair, unhappiness, and misery that can affect many lives for many years. This brings us, then, to the last part of the question, "What do we do when our children become involved with alcohol, tobacco, and drugs?"

There isn't any absolutely satisfactory answer to that question. For starters, however, I refer again to the Harvard Medical School Mental Health Newsletter I just cited. It emphasizes that for purposes of treatment, "The drug is often less important than the person." Then it continues with the statement of an important principle, the principle of substitute activities:

The best treatment aims at the social causes of substance dependency, and is provided in non-professional settings where hope is restored by an emphasis on spiritual renewal and moral regeneration; where there is relief from loneliness, and where self esteem is enhanced by giving the abuser an opportunity to help others. These can eliminate the social roots of youthful frustration, rage, and alienation.

I want particularly to emphasize the value of service to others as therapy. I'm reminded of a great story-a story with a marvelous message-that came out of the Second World War. As Hitler's armies invaded France, the peoples of Southern France who escaped into Spain had to cross the Pyrenees Mountains. The story is told that in one instance, a group of refugees was about to give up and either perish in the mountains or succumb to captivity because it was so difficult crossing the mountains. Rather than allowing them to give up, their leader called on the more able-bodied to help the less able-bodied and in this spirit of helping, the entire group made it across the mountains safely into Spain.

I am quick to acknowledge that not everyone who is having drug-related problems is going to be willing to do things to serve and help others. And by all means, I'm not suggesting that this strategy would very likely help hardened drug addicts on the streets of inner cities whose lives are almost totally absorbed with getting another "fix." But I am suggesting that service to others is a viable strategy for individuals who are wanting help, are amenable to treatment, and who want to break out of the self-imposed prison of drug abuse into which they have become incarcerated. Under proper supervision and with the right direction, such individuals have been able to free themselves from the bondage of drug abuse by giving service to the handicapped in Special Olympic activities, by being involved in community cleanup activities, by spending quality time with the elderly in nursing homes and day care programs, by serving as aides and tutors in public school programs, and by engaging in any number of other community service activities. It is a matter of common knowledge that service to others can be very therapeutic to the service provider. For the drug abuser, it is a viable alternate reinforcer that can bring the individual more satisfaction-and an even greater high-than is realized from "shooting drugs." It is certainly worth parents' efforts to involve their drug-abusing children in activities which provide services to others.

The Harvard study cited above spoke of the restoration of hope by "an emphasis on spiritual renewal and moral regeneration." I am continually amazed at what the research has taught us about the importance of spiritual and moral values in the establishment and maintenance of personal happiness and well-being. I'm not going to review that literature here, but it is sufficient to say that in families where religious values are taught and practiced, and where families actively participate in the activities and offerings of the church of their choice, social and personal problems, including substance abuse, are remarkably less probable. One of the 12 steps to recovery of Alcoholics Anonymous-the most successful program in history in the fight against alcoholism-specifies the need for the recovering alcoholic to accept into his or her life a "higher spiritual value." When I was in the armed services, and topics of a religious or spiritual nature were discussed, it was frequently noted that "There are no atheists in the fox hole," the point being that when conditions get life-threateningly bad, nothing provides more hope than the promise of help from a higher source.

And so it is with individuals who are captive to the addictive effects of alcohol, tobacco, and drugs. Recently, an individual very dear to me who had suffered with alcoholism for nearly 20 years-and in the process lost his family and his health-told me, "The thought overwhelmed me like a flood that I could not beat this alone so I dropped to my knees and pleaded with my God for help! When I got up off my knees, I knew I could beat it, and I am beating it. Not only have I not had a drink for three months, I don't even have a taste nor a desire for drink. Furthermore, I'm avoiding those places where I would be tempted and inclined to drink." These are not the kinds of cause and effect relationships that can be explained by science, but we know they exist and I urge parents to consider them as they work with their children to keep them away from drugs in the first place or to break the grip of substance abuse in their lives.

Lastly, as pointed out in Chapter 25, When All Else Fails, maintain the bonds of love and affection with your children even when they are struggling-and perhaps losing the battle-with drugs. Never cast them out of your lives! I repeat, NEVER CAST THEM OUT OF YOUR LIVES. Keep talking to them. We know that in homes where parents and their children are able to talk with one another with ease and with mutual respect, problems with drugs decrease remarkably.

If you find that a child has used drugs or is experimenting with them, don't come unglued. There is a vast difference between experimenting with drugs and abusing drugs. Nearly all children (including many of us when we were kids!) "try drugs." If you find that your child is using drugs (including alcohol and tobacco), use that as an opportunity to get close to the child, to bond, and to demonstrate in your home and family what great leadership is. Suppose it has been known that your child has been experimenting with controlled substances. Your encounter with the child might go like this:

Intro : : Basic Resistance Skills : : Encounter 1 : : Encounter 2 : : Scenario 1 : : Scenario 2 : : Scenario 3 : : Review

Encounter 1: The child is not happy and wants help.

Parent:	"I understand you've been experimenting with drugs (or alcohol or tobacco). I can imagine that the pressures you experience to do that sort of thing must be pretty great. How do you feel about all of that? How do you cope?"
Child:	"I don't feel good about it, and I'm not coping very well. But I don't know what to do. It is really hard to say no when your friends are doing it and putting pressure on you to do it, too."
Parent:	"I suppose one thing you could do would be to change your circle of friends, but that would probably be pretty tough."
Child:	"I've thought of that. I don't know if I could do it or not." Note: Don't try to convince your child that his/her friends are no good and should be dumped. That has to be the kid's choice, and pressure exerted by parents would just produce counter-coercive resistance and the kid would be more determined to remain a part of that peer group. Rather, try to teach the child how to survive with his/her peers and to gradually make the change to a better group. And don't forget, members of that peer group might regard your kid as one of the problems. It can all be pretty relative.
Parent:	"I can understand that. I have friends who aren't the best influence in the world, still there are things about them I enjoy-at least in small doses. Do you have friends that are less inclined to want to fool around with drugs (or what ever) who feel like you do?"
Child:	"Oh yeah."
Parent:	"Do you ever talk to them about what you can do to change things?" Note: Use words like "change things" rather than "stop what you're doing." It's less assertive and leaves more room for the child to do some of his/her own problem solving.
Child:	"Sometimes, but neither one of us knows what to do. We aren't much help to each other."
Parent:	"If you'd be interested, there is some interesting stuff out about what's called "Training in Life Skills." It teaches people specific things they can do and say in tough social situations, how to handle stress, and have self control. If you and your friend(s) would like to learn about it, let me know. I'm sure I could arrange for someone to visit with you about it. It's really good stuff."
Child:	"Sounds good."
Parent:	"Think it over. Talk to your friend(s) and if you'd like to know more, let me know." Note: Invite your child and his/her friend(s). There is strength in numbers, and they will be able to help and reinforce one another when they are back among their friends.
Child:	"I will. Thanks."
Parent:	"In the meantime, I just want you to know that I love you and am terribly, terribly concerned for your well-being. Take care of yourself. Be wise. You know, it's possible to be a friend and still make wise decisions. Let me help when I can. I love you."
Child:	"Thanks. I love you, too."

And leave it there. The child has had a great bonding experience, has been reassured of the parent's love, an unconditional love, and has been given something to think about and to possibly act upon. Everything was positive. The child hasn't been made to feel inadequate, the child's friends have not been put down, nor has the child been told what to do-"in no uncertain terms!" The child has known all along that things weren't right. Telling the child he/she was in trouble would have been like telling an inmate in Sing Sing that he was in prison. No one knows that better than the kid. Never tell someone something he already knows!

Intro : : Basic Resistance Skills : : Encounter 1 : : Encounter 2 : : Scenario 1 : : Scenario 2 : : Scenario 3 : : Review

Encounter 2: The child is apathetic, even resistant.

Parent:	"I understand you've been experimenting with drugs (or whatever). I can imagine that the pressures you experience to do that sort of thing must be pretty great. How do you feel about all of that? How do you cope?"
Child:	"It's no big deal. We just mess around with it. No one's hooked. It's just the in thing to do. I'm not worried. Don't worry about it."
Parent:	"I appreciate the reassurance that we have nothing to worry about; but, of course, we do. Why would we be concerned?"
Child:	"Parents are always worrying about something. I don't know why. Nothing that bad's going on. It's no big deal."
Parent:	"You're right. We do worry. Can you imagine why?" Note: The parent remained on course. Without being confrontive, the parent came right back to the question at hand: "Why are we concerned?"
Child:	"I guess it's because you think I'm going to screw up my life. Become a junk head. Get busted. Land up in the gutter or the slammer or the morgue. No way! I'm okay. I'm just having a little fun with my friends!"
Parent:	"You surely have a good idea of where our concerns lie. You're right on target there!"

At this point the discussion could move in any one of several directions. The parent might continue to pursue concerns about the inherent dangers of "playing with fire." Should that course be taken, care must be exercised that emotions are kept under control, that a lot of advice isn't given, and the discussion doesn't go on so long that the child gets turned off.

The direction of the discussion could change to focus on things the child could do and skills that could be learned when, in time, the child decides he/she needs help and wants to change.

The discussion could center on parental expectations and the natural and logical consequences of high-risk life styles. Should this be the direction the discussion goes, care should be taken to avoid ultimatums, coercion, guilt trips, or anything else that would drive the child further away from the family and the family values.

Remember, you want to keep the child at home and as much a part of the family unit as possible, even though his/her presence might, at times, be distasteful. In this regard, talking to the other children about the errant child's behavior is a good thing. When doing this, be careful that attention is drawn to the character of the behavior, not the character of the child. Love and concern for the child must stand above all else! The behavior is what's not good. Be sure the other children in the family feel free to talk about the problem without it turning into a lecture of "And for heaven's sake don't you do those stupid things!"

Whatever direction the discussion goes, be certain you as a parent never allow yourself to be drawn off course onto dead-end paths that get no one anywhere. The discussion in Encounter 2 (above) might end with the parent saying simply, "Well, it's obvious we see this matter from much different perspectives. My appeal to you is to be very careful. We both know there are dangers inherent in these things. As your parent, I just don't want you to be hurt. You mean the world to me, so, please, be careful. I love you." And let it go at that. The child will get the message, and at the moment, that just might be the best you can hope for. The chances are good that opportunities will be available later to continue the discussion more productively. In the meantime, remember, today is not forever. Leave the door open for more talking.

Parents frequently ask me how to protect their other children from the destructive influences of a sibling who is behaving badly. In such instances, parents should be concerned. Judith Brook, author of an article entitled "Sibling Influence on Adolescent Drug Use: Older Brothers on Younger Brothers," published in a 1991 edition of the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, reported that older brothers had a profound effect on a younger brother's risk of using drugs. This is particularly significant in instances where everyone is living in the same house and the parents want to keep it that way, hoping the good influence of the family will have a greater impact than will the possibly bad influence of the errant one. In addressing this quandary, these three scenarios come to mind:

Intro : : Basic Resistance Skills : : Encounter 1 : : Encounter 2 : : Scenario 1 : : Scenario 2 : : Scenario 3 : : Review

Scenario 1:

The parents state their expectations to a misbehaving though willing-to-cooperate child.

Parents:	"We are concerned that the other children might be wrongly influenced by the things you're doing. We need your help to make sure that doesn't happen. Will you cooperate with us?"
Child:	"Sure. That's cool."
Parents:	"First, though you have chosen to use tobacco/drugs/alcohol, you must never bring these things home, nor show them to your brothers and sisters. Can we count on you to comply with that expectation?" Note: Get verbal agreement of each point along the way.
Child:	"Yeah. Well, but what if I don't have any place to put them? What am I supposed to do, hide 'em in the shrubs?"
Parents:	"When we say you are not to bring them home, we mean you are not to bring them onto our property or into the house. We don't have any suggestions for how you'll manage that. We only want to be sure that they are never a part of our home environment. Furthermore, if we ever find any of these things on or in our property, they will be destroyed-no questions asked." Note: The child must understand that you, as parents, will not facilitate in the least any use of controlled substances. If you use any of these things and are challenged on that basis, I'm not sure what you would say to justify your position while at the same time strengthening your case relative to the child's behavior.
Child:	"Does that mean you're going to search me and my room everyday?"
Parents:	"Not regularly or without cause. However, if we have reason to suspect these substances are in the house, and are potentially dangerous to the children, we will look for them and destroy anything we find. Why do we take this position?"
Child:	"`Cause you don't want them to get started on the stuff. But if they do, don't blame me. I'm not the only one in their lives who use this stuff, you know. You can pick this stuff up anywhere. That's how I got started."
Parents:	"We are sure that is sadly true. Furthermore, if we find drugs at home, we will call the police. Breaking the law at home is no more justified than breaking the law away from home. We will not allow ourselves to be made accessories to a crime. Why would we take such a strong position?"
Child:	"Hey, I know what you're driving at. Don't worry. I'll keep the place clean."
Parents:	"Good. We're glad you understand and are going to cooperate. One other thing. When talking to your brothers and sisters, never say anything to glorify the use of this stuff or to make them curious about it. Suppose one of the kids asks you about it. What do you say?"
Child:	"I'll just tell them to forget it. To bug off."
Parents:	What would you say to discourage them from trying this stuff?"
Child:	"I'd tell 'em it's a loser; to stay away from it or they could turn out like me."
Parents:	"We appreciate your help. Furthermore, we want you to be an active, participating member of the family. We want nothing to do with this stuff, but lots to do with you." Note: Don't get sucked into a discussion about whether or not the child is a loser. Just be sure the child knows he/she is valued and is regarded as a viable member of the family.

I realize that a discussion would not likely go just as I have portrayed it. The points to remember are (a) stay with your expectations, (b) be clear about consequences, and (c) assure the child of your unconditional love. That's really the best you can do. If you try to force your position, the child can simply tell you to hang it in your ear and be gone. You will have simply driven a wedge into the very space where you need to build bridges and bonds. Either way, it's risky, but building bridges and bonds between you and your children is a lot less risky than driving wedges between you!

Intro : : Basic Resistance Skills : : Encounter 1 : : Encounter 2 : : Scenario 1 : : Scenario 2 : : Scenario 3 : : Review

Scenario 2:

The parents state their expectations to a misbehaving though less-than-willing-to-cooperate child.

Parents:	"We are concerned that the other children might be wrongly influenced by the things you're doing. We need your help to make sure that doesn't happen. Will you cooperate with us?"
Child:	"Hey, I got nothing to hide. This is me. I have nothing to apologize for, or explain, to anybody. I'm not hurting anyone-not even myself, despite what you think! I'm not the terrible person you think I am." Note: Again, stick only with your expectations. This is no time to get into a life-style or character analysis.
Parents:	"Will you cooperate with us in our efforts to make sure the children are not exposed in our home to alcohol/tobacco/drugs?"
Child:	"Whaddaya mean, not exposed!"
Parents:	"We mean a couple of things. First, you must never bring any of this stuff onto our property or into the house, and secondly, you must never invite the children to use it or to become curious about using it. Do you have any questions at all about what we expect?"
Child:	"Hey, you can't tell me what to do with my stuff. If I keep it to myself you got no reason to worry. I'm not going to bother the kids. I want nothing to do with 'em anyway. The less I see of them the better."
Parents:	"We are pleased to know that you have no intentions to introduce the children to it. Thanks for that assurance. As far as what you do with the stuff, you need to know that if we ever find any of it at home, it will be destroyed immediately, no questions asked."
Child:	"Hey! Look! If I'm going to be searched every time I come home, or you're going to search my room when I'm not here, I just won't come home."
Parents:	"We have no plans to search you or your room unless we have reason to believe you are breaking the law and we could be accessories to the fact. We will not shield you from the law, nor facilitate your breaking it. Why would we take that position?"
Child:	"I know what you're saying. Okay. I'll stay clean at home."
Parents:	"Super. We appreciate that. Also, we really want you to be with us and to participate in family activities. We love you tons and tons and enjoy having you around." Note: Relative to both scenarios, the likelihood is great that the child will still bring "stuff" into the house. If it's kept out of sight of the children, don't go after it. If, however, it is carelessly or flagrantly displayed, destroy it-no questions asked. If illegal drugs are involved, you would be well advised to have the police (preferably in street clothes) search the premises. The child needs to know in advance that this is a distinct possibility. Home should be a refuge from social ills, not a safe harbor for social ills. When children learn that, they will soon come to value it, respect it, and hold it sacred.

Intro : : Basic Resistance Skills : : Encounter 1 : : Encounter 2 : : Scenario 1 : : Scenario 2 : : Scenario 3 : : Review

Scenario 3:

The parents visit with the "other" children about the behavior of a misbehaving sibling.

Parents:	"We want to visit with you tonight about Pat. We have some serious concerns. April, why do you suppose we are concerned?" Note: Get the others into the conversation as quickly as possible.
April:	"I guess it's because he/she is doing things that are wrong."
Parents:	"Yes. Unhappily for all of us, Pat has decided to do some things that can be very destructive to a person. Things that can ruin a person's life. When we say `ruin a person's life,' what does that mean, Joseph?"
Joseph:	"Well, I guess it means it can hurt them in some way. Maybe even kill them."
Parents:	"Exactly. And because of that, we are very concerned about Pat. We would never want something like that to happen to any of our children. Not Pat, not you, not anyone."
Greg:	"Ah, it isn't that bad. You're making it sound a lot worse than it is. Pat's just messing around. It's not this big a deal."
Parents:	"I hope you're right, Greg. At the moment, that's our biggest hope. But what Pat is doing is very, very risky. What do I mean, Greg, when I say, 'very, very risky,' and why would that concern us?"
Greg:	"It means that Pat is taking some big chances with his/her life and could get hurt. And you don't want that to happen. But I still think you're blowing this out of proportion." Note: Notice how the parent is not arguing with Greg about the seriousness of the situation. That's a beside-the-point matter and should be ignored. Stay with the central issues.
Parents:	"Thanks for hitting the nail on the head regarding our concerns. Pat is taking big chances and certainly could get hurt. "Nevertheless, despite the fact that she/he is behaving badly in that regard, we love Pat as much as we love any of you, and all of us must be kind, say nice things, be complimentary whenever we can, be playful and fun, and do nothing that would suggest we are angry or disappointed. Will you do that? Mary, what is something you can do when Pat comes home that will show you love him/her?"
Mary:	"I can give him/her a big hug and a kiss and say I love you."
Parents:	"That would be wonderful. I'll look forward to seeing you do that."
Greg:	"That's all well and good, but what bugs me is when Pat gets away with stuff we can't do. I have to be in by 10:00 on school nights and Pat comes home whenever she/he darn well pleases. That's just not fair!"
Parents:	"You've raised a very important point, Greg. It surely doesn't seem fair. But she/he pays a dear price for the privilege of coming and going as she/ he wants. What is that price, Greg?"
Greg:	"Well, she/he never has use of the car, for one thing. Nor does she/he get an allowance. I guess that's it."
Parents:	"That's part of the price she/he pays, certainly. Would it be worth it to you, Greg, or any of you children, to pay such a price to behave that way? What about you, April? Would you be willing to give up all telephone privileges, your allowance, and the purchase of any new clothes, to name a few, for the privilege of coming home late at night?"
April:	"No way!"
Parents:	"What about you, Joseph? What privileges would you be willing to give up just so you could come home after hours?"
Joseph:	"I suppose you're talking about my Nintendo, my bike, my allowance-that kind of stuff. I'd rather come home on time."
Parents:	"I think you guys have gotten the point. Pat isn't getting anything for free. She/he is giving up a lot of things that none of you want to give up. Pat is paying a very big price to behave the way she/he is behaving." "Greg, a moment ago you raised the issue of fairness. This really isn't a fairness issue. It's a matter of how much one is willing to give up to behave in a certain way. When you get to be Pat's age, you will be able to do things you want to do, despite how we or anyone else feels about it. We hope you will make wise decisions, decisions that won't cost you. What do we mean when we say `decisions that won't cost you?"'
Greg:	"Oh, I suppose you mean giving up things like the use of the car, and stuff like that."
Parents:	"That could be part of the cost. What else? What if the decision is to break the law? What can that cost you?"
Greg:	"If it's bad enough, it could cost me money, or even my freedom."
Parents:	"Precisely. And what a terrible price that would be to pay." "April, what would the cost be to you if you resisted the temptation to take drugs? If you said `NO,' and just walked away?"
April:	"Oh, it might cost me a friend. Then again, maybe it wouldn't. Maybe there wouldn't be any cost at all, only benefits."
Parents:	"What do you mean, no cost at all, only benefits?"
April:	"Well, a real friend would never offer me drugs, and by staying clean, I have good health." Note: The parents steered the discussion away from negatives and toward positives. They got the children thinking about how much better off they are by behaving well than how bad off they are by behaving badly.

Remember, behavior is shaped better by positive than by negative consequences. A recent study demonstrated that in homes where children and their parents are able to just talk with one another, the probability of children experimenting with drugs in the first place is half that of homes where parents and their children have problems talking with one another.

Also, maintain appropriate physical contact with your children who are struggling with drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. As I have noted elsewhere in this book, research has shown conclusively a positive relationship between appropriate physical contact between parents and their children, and the physical and emotional well-being of children. Studies done years ago identified a syndrome called "Narasmus," a disease among infants resulting in a "wasting-away" and even death as a result of being deprived of human touch. Hugs, pats on the back, back rubs, wrestling, an affectionate elbow in the ribs and tap to the shoulder-all of these are appropriate ways of maintaining important and necessary physical contact with children. These are doubly important with children who are struggling with substance abuse problems.

Research by Drs. Richard West and Richard Young and their associates at Utah State University has identified critical risk factors that have been associated with increased probability of eventual substance use and abuse. The risk factors are: (1) Absent or poorly developed social interaction skills; (2) Inadequate academic and academic-related skills; (3) Problems in family interactions and relationships; (4) Inadequate motivation and self management skills; (5) Pro-drug and insufficient drug knowledge and education; and (6) Drug use by peer group members. By looking at those six "critical risk factors," it is altogether evident that parents have a great responsibility to create in their homes an environment where children will learn the necessary skills needed to remain drug free as well as where children will acquire a relationship with their parents that will help decrease the probability that they will have problems with drugs.

In closing this chapter, it is appropriate once again to reflect upon "probabilities." When raising our children and shaping their lives, we can only hope to create an environment in our homes, including a relationship with our children, that will increase the probabilities that their behavior will develop in the right direction; and should they stumble and even fall along the way, they will have the necessary skills to pick themselves up, set themselves aright, and move ahead in the direction of being healthy, productive, contributing members of society. Occasionally, even with our best efforts, this grand, hoped-for scenario may not be realized. But by doing the things suggested, illustrated, outlined, and demonstrated in this book, the chances of achieving this "grand and hoped-for scenario" are remarkably improved, even with children who abuse tobacco, alcohol, and drugs.

Intro : : Basic Resistance Skills : : Encounter 1 : : Encounter 2 : : Scenario 1 : : Scenario 2 : : Scenario 3 : : Review

NOW TO REVIEW

1. The number one best way to prevent substance abuse problems is to create an environment in the home and the family that makes being free of dependency more reinforcing than being dependent.
2. If children do experiment with substance abuse, parents are advised to not "come unglued." They should, rather, treat it with empathy and understanding, reaffirm their expectations, allow consequences to deliver the message, and strengthen the bonds between them and their children.
3. Children who are substance abusers should be encouraged to remain at home as long as possible, and while living at home, be encouraged to participate in family activities, but to not encourage siblings to tamper with, or be curious about, the use of drugs/alcohol/tobacco.
4. Siblings who do not abuse substances should be taught to show love and concern for any member of the family who does engage in substance abuse, but should also be taught how to avoid invitations to be users of drugs/alcohol/ tobacco.