A Word About Consequences
Document Actions
Of Ebenezer Scrooge: "His offenses
carry their own punishment."
Intro :: Guideline 1 :: Guideline 2 :: Guideline 3 :: Guideline 4 :: Guideline 5 :: Review
Consequences come in two forms: natural and social (or
social-cultural). A natural consequence is one which is directly
related to the behavior, such as getting burned while playing
carelessly with matches. When these kinds of consequences are
experienced, the parent should be helpful, compassionate and empathetic
without displacing the blame. For example, rather than say, "Oh, these
terrible matches. I don't know why they can't be made to be more safe,"
or "Your father should never have left them where you could get them,"
say, "I'm sorry you hurt yourself." The child should not be absolved of
his own responsibility-regardless of the shortcomings or carelessness
of others.
In this same vein, parents should not be harsh, scolding, and accusatory. The discomfort caused by the burn will bear all the message that needs to be borne. Rather than say, "Now, you see what happens when you play with matches? You get burned! If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, don't play with matches! I only hope you've finally learned your lesson!," say "I'm sorry you burned yourself. It must hurt a lot. Let me see what I can do to help." Doing this, you are seen as a compassionate person who is interested in the other's well being, despite the error of that person's ways. This is the kind of response that builds bonds, whereas the other type of response puts distance between people.
Social consequences are consequences that make sense, but which aren't necessarily directly linked to the behavior. For example, withholding a child's allowance would be a social consequence for failing to get his homework done, though there is no direct relationship between homework and an allowance. Loss of driving privileges because of mishandling the car seems natural, but it is really social since such behavior may never, in fact, result in an accident. In this event, employing a social consequence might result in a natural consequence never occurring; that is, the person learns, via social consequences, to behave so well that natural consequences are precluded: by becoming a more responsible driver, the person does not have accidents. Examples of social consequences are denial of TV or phone privileges for failure to clean one's room, withholding dessert because the main course of the meal was not eaten, and no use of a favorite toy for a week because it was carelessly left outside in the rain.
Social consequences are often used to teach lessons that would otherwise be learned only at great risk. For example, the best way for a child to learn not to play near the top of the stairs would be to let the child play near the stairs then fall down them. Unfortunately, he might not survive to benefit from the lesson taught by natural consequences. Social consequences, on the other hand, can be just as instructive and a lot safer! And, of course, all social consequences must be nonaversive. Applying consequences which involve inflicting pain, unless done therapeutically in highly controlled clinical settings, is barbaric at worst and silly at best!
When administering logical consequences, five important guidelines should be followed:
Intro :: Guideline 1 :: Guideline 2 :: Guideline 3 :: Guideline 4 :: Guideline 5 :: Review
1. Consequences Must be Clearly Understood at the Outset by Parents and Children
This is important for two reasons. First, it is too easy for children to get away with things, the unfortunate natural consequence being that inappropriate behavior becomes strengthened, and in time becomes more and more resistant to treatment. For example, a child pleads innocence and escapes the consequences: "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to....!" After successfully using this ploy a few times, the child learns that it is a dandy way to stay free of consequences that are no more serious than parental dirty looks and sighs of disgust and resignation.
Second, in moments of anger and frustration, parents tend to impose unreasonable and unenforceable consequences. A child does something that is particularly annoying and the parents lose their cool, blow up, and pronounce loudly and bombastically, "You are grounded for 2 months! No use of the telephone, the car, the TV! You will come directly home from school, go directly to your room, and you can come out only to eat or when I say you can!!!! Now do you understand that young man? Well, tell me! Do you?!!!!"
Such a response, borne out of a poor understanding of consequences, is, of course, unreasonable and only leads to bigger problems when it comes time to reconcile, negotiate, back down, give up...... As one teenager noted, "I'll get my jeep taken away for a week but I'll have it back within 6 hours. I'll walk around the house, slam the door occasionally, this, that ... and after a while this just plays on them ... and they let me out. In a way I wish it wasn't like that. I've never really been punished. I wish my parents had been tougher on me." (From a treatment point of view, the words "...precise and consistent with me" are more instructive than "...tougher on me.")
Intro :: Guideline 1 :: Guideline 2 :: Guideline 3 :: Guideline 4 :: Guideline 5 :: Review
2. Consequences Must be Reasonable, and Enforceable
A wise father once observed, "The plaster should be no wider than the sore." Reasonable consequences neatly fit the offense. To achieve that they should all be carefully thought out before they are stated or applied, and even then it will be necessary to modify and refine them as they are being used. Fine tuning a basically sound consequence is much easier than completely overhauling or scrapping entirely a knee jerk consequence that never had any chance of working in the first place.
In the following example, I illustrate how consequences are selected, applied, and enforced, and describe the principles of behavior upon which the procedure is based. Pay particular attention to the principles since a sound understanding of them will make it possible for you to respond appropriately to any number of situations requiring the use of consequences.
Setting: A 10-year-old boy has been leaving his bike lying in the driveway. His parents frequently have to stop their car, get out and move the bike, then get back in the car and drive into the garage. Not only is this annoying, but a less careful or alert driver might hit or run over the bike. Obviously, here is a problem that needs to be solved using logical consequences before the natural consequences of a smashed bike result in even bigger problems: replacing or repairing a bike, and perhaps repairing damages to a car.
Giving the boy a piece of one's mind, a good scolding, a heavy dose of logic, a spanking, and the pronouncement that "If I ever see that bike lying in the driveway again, you won't see it for a month-if you ever see it again!" is obviously worse behavior than leaving the bike in the driveway.
The better way is to decide in advance exactly what the boy is expected to do with his bike. This might be as simple as having him put his bike on the lawn, against the house, beside the porch, or out of the way in the garage. This, then, becomes the expectation of the boy's behavior. Knowing in advance the expectations of his behavior is of primary importance. Next, the parents must decide how to state their expectation to the boy so he fully understands it, and can demonstrate that he understands it! This is best accomplished in a simulation or role playing exercise. It might go like this:
| Dad: | "Son, I notice you really enjoy riding
your bike. It's neat having a bike. I sure enjoyed mine when I was a
boy. What do you like best about your bike?" Note: Start on a positive note, and be brief. Stop after a few seconds and give the boy a chance to respond. For example, the 32 words I used above take between 11 to 12 seconds to say. When you ask a question, be sure it invites a substantive response. Don't invite a yes or no response. If the boy says, "Gee, Dad, I don't know," probe a little. Say something like, "Tell me one thing." The chances are 95 out of 100 that after you have probed only two times, the boy will come forth with a substantive response, as follows. |
| Son: | Well, I like it because I like to run around on bikes with my friend, Joe." |
| Dad: | "Ya, Good example. Biking around with your friends can
be a lot of fun." Note: Once an acceptable response is forthcoming, reinforce the response with an enthusiastic acknowledgment, and perhaps even a bit of embellishment: "Biking around with your friends can be a lot of fun." |
| Dad: | "Son, I have one concern. You
sometimes leave your bike lying in the driveway, and before I can drive
into the garage, I have to move it out of the way. And besides, leaving
your bike in the driveway could be dangerous. How can that be
dangerous?" Note: In expressing your concern, do two things: First, state your concern calmly and in only a few words. No lectures! Secondly, make your concern his concern by inviting him to tell you what he has to lose. |
| Son: | "I suppose my bike could get run over." |
| Dad: | "That's right, Son. And why would that
be such a terrible thing?" Note: Get the child to see what he has to lose. Help him see what natural consequences could do to him. Don't dwell on your annoyance, inconveniences, or the possible damages to your car. A 10-year-old (or a 19-year-old, for that matter!) couldn't care less about those things. But the loss of his bike! Now that means something. |
| Son: | "Well, I wouldn't have a bike to ride." |
| Dad: | "And what's so bad about that?" |
| Son: | "Gee, Dad. I wouldn't be able to go
with my friends." Note: Probe these consequences just long enough for the boy to get the message. Don't you tell him the message. Let him tell you. He'll be a lot more impressed by what he tells you than by what you tell him. Remember: never tell a child something he already knows! |
| Dad: | "I can see your point. That would be
terrible! And I would never want to see that happen to you, so here is
what I expect you to do. When you get off your bike, put it someplace
other than in the driveway. Where would be a good place to put it so
that it would be out of the way and safe?" Note: Again, say only a few words and ask questions that put the boy in the role of problem solver-with you. This gets you both on the same side of the issue. |
| Son: | "I could put it in the garage, over to the side." |
| Dad: | "Good idea, Son. You're a good
thinker. That would be a great place to put it. Any other place that is
as good as that?" Note: A positive response such as this is very reinforcing in itself, but it also gives you an opportunity to describe a behavior you want your son to develop; that is, "You're a good thinker." Tell the boy he is what you want him to be. Find something you can build on. This is called selective or differential reinforcement, and you want to reinforce those behaviors that are like, are related to, or which approximate the behavior you want. In this instance, the boy thought of a good solution. Being a good thinker is a highly desirable behavior, so it would be very wise to say, "You're a good thinker" since that is such a good approximation of the mature behavior you want the boy to ultimately possess. Asking a follow-up question is good for two reasons. First, it helps identify other options. This will increase the probability for success. Second, it provides another opportunity for the father to reinforce the son's behavior. |
| Son: | "Well, I could put it on the lawn by the driveway." |
| Dad: | "Great idea. You're really using your
head, Son. What a guy!" Note: "You're really using your head, Son," is simply another way of saying, "You're a good thinker." When using selective reinforcement, it's a good idea to vary the words that are used to describe the desired behavior. Along with the declarative "What a guy," it would also be appropriate to use a physical reinforcer such as a pat on the shoulder or a light slap on the back. Pairing reinforcers is a powerful way to make a point. |
| Dad: | "And Son, by putting your bike in
these safe, out-of-the-way places, your bike will not get damaged and
it will always be available to you. If, however, you should get
careless and leave your bike in the driveway, you will deny yourself
the privilege of using your bike for 24 hours. (This is contingency
management: bike riding privileges are contingent on proper bike care.)
What will happen if you leave your bike in the driveway?" Note: When the consequence for non-compliance is stated, be sure you use only a few words and keep your voice low and calm, almost matter-of-fact. Make sure that the denial of privileges is stated in such a way that the burden for that denial is squarely on the boy's shoulders: "...you will deny yourself the privilege of using your bike for 24 hours." You don't say, "I'll take the bike away from you for 24 hours." The "bad guy" isn't you. The behavior is the "bad guy." Let the behavior (his behavior) do the talking, not you! When stating the consequence, be sure the time variable is clear: "...for 24 hours." |
| Son: | "You won't let me use my bike for a whole day!?" |
| Dad: | "Close. Listen carefully, son. You
will deny yourself the privilege of using your bike for 24
hours." Note: The boy will almost always dump the responsibility back on the parent. Don't say, "No, no son. I'm not keeping the bike from you..." Simply restate the fact: "You will deny yourself..." |
| Dad: | "Now, Son, let's go outside. I want
you to show me what you are going to do with your bike when you are not
riding it." Note: This is role playing and simulation. It's a very powerful teaching tool, as well as providing a wonderful opportunity to reinforce more appropriate behavior. Typically in such a situation the child is so anxious to do it right that opportunities to reinforce "right" behavior abound. |
| Dad: | (Once Outside). "Ok, Son, here's your bike. Ride it into the driveway, then show me where you are going to put it." |
| Son: | (Jumps on the bike, rides it out to the street, then up the driveway. Gets off the bike and parks it in an appropriate place.) "There, Dad. That's where it will be safe and out of the way." |
| Dad: | "Son, I couldn't have done it better myself!" (Give the boy a hug, a pat on the back, and each goes his separate way.) |
This entire encounter will take no more than 10 minutes, which is as it should be. Brevity, specificity, calmness, positiveness. These are the keys.
In the example above, everything went very smoothly. The boy never resisted or argued. But, as all parents know, it doesn't always go that way. In fact, it seldom goes that way. Here is what you do when problems arise. As you read through these, you will notice that the same principles apply to problem situations as they do to situations that run smoothly.
Suppose that at the outset the boy becomes belligerent and doesn't want to talk about it. Here is how you would handle that.
| Dad: | "Son, I have a concern. Sometimes you leave your bike lying in the driveway, and before I can drive into the garage, I have to move your bike out of the way. Besides that, leaving your bike in the driveway could be dangerous. How could it be dangerous?" |
| Son: | "This is dumb, Dad. I don't want to talk about
it." Or, he might say something like, "Dad, do we have to talk about this now? The guys are waiting for me. I gotta go now!" |
| Dad: | (In a calm, controlled voice, and without any facial
expressions that suggest anger or annoyance, say): "Son, how could it
be dangerous to leave your bike in the driveway?" Note: This is called the broken record approach. You simply repeat your question. Do not-I repeat, DO NOT acknowledge the distractors. Don't say, "Now you listen to me young man. You will talk about it whether you like it or not! Now you pay attention and do what I tell you to do!," or "Your friends can wait. This is more important than play. This is serious business. Do you want your bike to get smashed or something?" |
Avoid these reactive responses. They are counter-productive; that is, they only make things worse by giving lots of attention to the very behaviors you don't want. The basic principle of behavior that applies here is that behavior is strengthened by the attention it receives. If you pay attention to things children do that you don't like, these are the behaviors that will tend to increase.
| Son: | "I'm not wasting my time on this junk!" | ||
| Dad: | "I can see you are anxious to do other things, but this is important. Now, tell me, why is it dangerous to leave your bike laying in the driveway?"Note: It's okay to show some empathy and understanding: "I can see you're anxious to do other things..." But don't back down or become reactive. | ||
| Son: | "I'm not taking any more of this. I'm outta here!" | ||
| Dad: | "If you leave now, Son, without talking about this, your bicycle will be locked up until we have had our conversation."Note: If you think it will come to this, be prepared in advance to follow through. Have the lock ready. Don't have to go looking for one. | Son: | "Hey, you can't do that! That's my bike!" |
| Dad: | "As I said before, you can choose to talk about this now, or you can choose to lose the privilege of riding your bike until you do. Which do you choose to do?"Note: By no means should the father try to impose his will through direct, hands-on control. That kind of tough-guy stuff is coercive and can come to no good. The parameters for decision making have been set. The child can choose either option and it's okay with the father. The boy can stay and talk or leave, having lost his bike privileges. The father is not the bad guy. |
If the boy chooses to talk, despite a sullen demeanor, just proceed as illustrated above, not saying a word about the sullenness. If the boy chooses to relinquish his bike privileges, that's okay, too. In time, the odds are extremely great he will soon be willing to talk in order to regain his bike privileges. Initially, he might go off in a huff, saying something like, "Who cares. It's a crummy bike anyway. If you were as good a parent as Billy's dad I'd have a decent bike." Expect this kind of junk behavior. Since the boy is desperate and not being fully civilized, he will likely resort to about anything to get his way or to defer blame. If nothing is said about this behavior, it will soon extinguish.
When the time comes, and it eventually will, that the boy can simply no longer tolerate the loss of his "wheels," proceed as illustrated in the first instance.
Another problem that might arise during the discussion when the boy is told what the consequence is ("You will deny yourself the privilege of riding your bike for 24 hours.") might go like this:
| Son: | "What! You mean you'll take my bike away for 24 hours. That's not fair! Billy leaves his bike in their driveway all the time and no one says a thing. This isn't fair!!!!" |
| Dad: | "Let me repeat so you'll be sure to
understand: When you leave your bike in the driveway, you will deny
yourself the privilege of having your bike for 24 hours. Tell me Son, what privilege will you deny yourself if you leave your bike in the driveway?" Note: The father didn't get drawn into an argument over what is fair. Never! I repeat, never get sucked into a discussion about what's fair. That's a black hole from which nothing enlightening or satisfactory ever escapes. Furthermore, the father didn't get sucked into a discussion about what goes on at Billy's house. He simply repeated himself. After doing this two (certainly, no more than three) times, if the boy continues to protest and refuses to cooperate, then use the strategy just discussed: "The privilege of using the bike is yours when you are ready to discuss the matter," and then be prepared to lock up the bike. |
It is important to keep in mind that the kind of calm, objective responding illustrated here (and elsewhere) between a father and a son must be the same between a father and a daughter. We know for a fact that girls can typically get their way and out of trouble and responsibility much easier than boys. Crying, being coy, and making verbal promises that are honey-sweet are all well known devices daughters can use to get their way and to escape the unpleasant consequences of their behavior. Fathers, particularly, must guard against caving in to such wiles.
As noted earlier, woven into this illustration are principles and strategies that can be applied to any number of situations. Once parents are able to effectively employ these principles and strategies, the environment becomes much more pleasant, and behavior falls into line. Remember, behavior is largely a product of its immediate environment. As the environment improves and appropriate behavior is elicited, acknowledged, and praised, appropriate behavior will soon improve. The momentum of the behavior has been established in the right direction.
It is absolutely essential that parents learn to skillfully use consequences to do the talking for them. As illustrated in Figure 5.1, as children grow older, it becomes more and more difficult for parents to directly control their children's behavior. At birth, direct parental control is absolutely necessary since an infant has yet to learn the meaning of cause and effect relationship. At 4 weeks old, one of my granddaughters, while flailing her arms around in random fashion, touched a hot curling iron and sustained a little burn. At that age, her subsequent behavior relative to where she put her arm was not controlled in the least by that painful experience. It was completely up to her parents to directly intervene to assure the child's safety. By late adolescence and into adulthood, direct parental control is absolutely impossible.
Since parents begin their child-rearing experiences being in direct control of their children's behavior-and getting exactly the results they want!-they tend to stick with this approach when interacting with their children no matter how old the children are, not realizing that the use of consequences is not only an effective way to manage behavior, it is the best way. In some instances, and at some point in the child's life, it is the only way.
Intro :: Guideline 1 :: Guideline 2 :: Guideline 3 :: Guideline 4 :: Guideline 5 :: Review
3. Parents Should Think in Terms of Consequences, Not Punishment
As was discussed in Chapter 1, consequences can be either reinforcing or punishing, but since the word punishment carries with it such negative connotations, we prefer that it not be the focus of therapy or management. Also, as one researcher noted, "Because punishment is so efficient and simple, there is danger that it could become the first and even exclusive technique. That would indeed be tragic. For one thing, punishment is painful, and ... we should have as little pain as possible."
Physically pain-free consequences are so very, very important. It is the natural human response to flee pain and to get away from things and people that inflict pain. Pain-free consequences in the form of loss of privileges are, in the long run, more efficient. Furthermore, rather than being divisive, they bond children to their parents. The punitive, punishing approach to behavior management is destroying society! It is not only divisive, it is non-instructional. As noted by B. F. Skinner, "The trouble is that when we punish a person for behaving badly, we leave it up to him to discover how to behave well." Left to their own devices, people seldom learn to behave well. Charles P. Ewing, a forensic psychologist and attorney, writing in the April, 1991 issue of the Monitor, published by the American Psychological Association, reported that "Juvenile killers are not born but made." He noted that between 1984 and 1989 the number of youth arrested nationwide for murder had more than doubled, from 1,004 to 2,208, and is continually rising. Among other things, he targeted the punitive nature of the American mentality as a cause for this alarming social menace, a mentality that is evidenced in families, in the juvenile justice system, in schools, and in society generally. A colleague of mine recently observed, "We have a culture with a passion to punish." We are paying for that dearly, and it must be stopped!
Figure 5.1 - Parental Control Through Natural Consequences
Intro :: Guideline 1 :: Guideline 2 :: Guideline 3 :: Guideline 4 :: Guideline 5 :: Review
4. Consequences Must be Applied With Precision, Accuracy, and Consistency
In the study of human behavior we observe a phenomenon known as "case hardened kids." These are children who develop an immunity, as it were, to consequences because those consequences are not applied appropriately. Consequences become somewhat like penicillin that is no longer effective because of being poorly applied. Be particularly careful to not take consequences away too soon. Wait until you are sure treatment has taken effect before you alter the "dosage" of consequences; before you relax them. If you are going to err, do so on the side of staying with the treatment (assuming it is potentially effective) too long rather than too little. When you have something that is working, don't alter it until a new, more appropriate, behavior is solidly in place.
Intro :: Guideline 1 :: Guideline 2 :: Guideline 3 :: Guideline 4 :: Guideline 5 :: Review
5. Consequences Must Not Be Punishing To Parents
As noted earlier, in a fit of anger, a parent might impose some outrageous consequences that becomes more aversive to the parent than it is to the child. For example, a parent might declare to a 16-year-old child, "You are grounded for a month, and that includes no use of the car!" But since the child has a valuable after-school job that is driving distance away, to enforce this dictum, the parent would have to leave work, pick the kid up at school, and drive him/her to work. Obviously, the parent is more inconvenienced than is the child.
To preclude this happening, as should be the case with all consequences, careful forethought should be given to the selection, administration, and management of consequences.
Intro :: Guideline 1 :: Guideline 2 :: Guideline 3 :: Guideline 4 :: Guideline 5 :: Review
NOW TO REVIEW
- There are two kinds of consequences, natural and social.
- Consequences must be clearly understood at the outset by parents and children.
- Consequences must be reasonable, applicable, and enforceable.
- Parents should think in terms of consequences, not punishment.
- Consequences must be applied with precision, accuracy, and consistency.
