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Tips to Help A Marriage Where There is a Desire Gap

The High Desire Partner

  • Instead of being angry with or critical of your partner because they don't want sex as often as you, talk to them about the feelings of rejection you've been getting from them recently.
  • Focus on doing the things and being the type of person your partner likes. That's more of a turn-on than any attempts at fore-play just before you want sex. Remember, fore-play begins on Monday morning, not Friday night.
  • If you are not satisfied with how often you and your partner have sex, don't turn to pornography or affairs as a substitute. They will destroy your marriage.

The Low Desire Partner

  • Be committed to improving your sex life - make it a priority. Although it may not be that important to you for your happiness in the relationship, if it's important to your partner then it should be important to you as well.
  • Use the Nike philosophy more often and "Just Do It." Seduce your partner for two weeks, even if you don't feel like it. Flirt, be affectionate, and initiate sex. Many people think that desire must come before arousal, but it also works the other way around. You may not be in the mood for sex, but once you get started you may find yourself enjoying it. By doing this you may find that your partner begins to meet your needs in many other ways.

Both Partners

  • Have conversations about your sexual relationship, including your likes and dislikes. Sexual relationships don't magically fall into place or turn out great unless you talk about them and work at it. Couples who talk about their sexual problems are far more likely to survive than those who do not. Most sexually inactive couples just give up and stop talking.
  • Be genuine in attending to your partner's wants, needs, and desires. When you honestly give of yourself your partner is more likely to do the same.
  • Make time for sex, plan it, and ritualize it. Don't let your over-active and over-worked lifestyles get in the way of your relationship. If your sexual relationship matters to you, take time to focus on it. Sex doesn't have to be spontaneous to be fun and enjoyable. Make dates with each other and talk about what you will do to and for each other.
  • Learn more about you and your partner's basic sexual anatomy. A better understanding of sexual functioning and the pleasure producing regions of your bodies will make your sex life more enjoyable.
  • If your sex life continues to be a problematic part of your relationship seek professional counseling or become informed by seeking additional reading on the subject.

Copyright 2008, by the Contributing Authors. Cite/attribute Resource . admin. (2005, November 28). Sexual Relations. Retrieved January 08, 2011, from Free Online Course Materials — USU OpenCourseWare Web site: This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License Creative Commons License